I need to find a way out, out of this existance.
I’ve been living in a foreign country for 8 years. I have no friends of my own. I have a successful job, 3 beautiful kids and the person I’m married to has never understood me.
Enduring her verbal abuse on a daily basis directed at myself and my kids. If I intervene for my kids it explodes into a violent confrontation with me on the recieving end. I feel guilty everyday for not doing more to protect my innocent children.
I’m sick of having my kids see me so disconnected, silent, and unable to do more to shield them.
I seal the cracks in my mask every morning and use it to contain my pain and the demons of my past. Hoping everyday I am not visible from behind the facade I am forced to wear.
I have this constant need to help and be nice to people. At times others percieve my actions as either being a push over, or having some other ulterior motive. Willing to listen to a person that is in pain, offering people help if it looks like they need it. I look at others and feel the pain I see in their eyes as though I am living it.
My mother use to be beaten up by my dad, and I was always there from the age of about 9 to clean her wounds and be her shoulder to cry on, to stand between the blows of my father and protect my mother. To save my mother when she had overdosed, once on my birthday after she had promised to take me to a movie.
Becoming at times the target of my mothers frustration and being beaten by the very one I had protected. Sexually abused by my friends brother at 7 and 8. Speaking into the deaf ears of my parents who did not believe me. Physically abused by my uncles, always told “You will live in pain and die in pain”
Now as an adult I wish to not share my burden with anyone. Bottle my past. People ask “why are you so sensitive” little do they know I take things to heart for life has left me with open wounds, sensitive to even the indifferent looks of strangers.
My emotions got the better of me after a night of self destruction only to confide in a female work collegue, who after the dust had settled somehow believes I had ulterior motives and has began telling everyone without knowing my inner turmoil.
If I take my own life my kids will not be paid out my insurance, if I tamper with my car and die in an accident, I risk the person I’m married to being accused. I am searching through every possible door, a door that would lead me out of this painful existance and a world that cares not for what it percieves as weakness.
I tried taking my own life with pills on the 11th of May, but stupidly did it at home where I was found. The very pills to treat my depression. Fortunately or unfortunately depends on whose viewpoint, I was found and rushed to hospital having vomitted most of the pills out.
I am currently planning a way for my death to look like an accident, a slip in the shower, glass breaking accidently cutting my neck. Having my medications interacting with each other and being too far from home to get help with my mobile battery dying.
I had a high tolerance to pain, but now…..now the darkness of pain has consumed any shred of shining hope that once existed.
All my relationships are failing, both private and work I am unable to control any of it.
I am no longer alive, I merely exist…