Die capital D

I run today Litterely moving. The world through my eyes is cold. Full of dark colors. The air is crisp around me thin. layers of mist collect on my face under my hat on my glasses.  I hold my keys in my hands their sound as constant as my steady moving lump of body mass. I run. Its has been a long time since I have run and I can’t remember why I would do such a thing at the moment. 

My body jiggles forward my mind moves back in memory. forcing me to quite again to walk I keep moving. I remember wanting to die. The thought make me want to quite running and walk. I don’t . I look up at the trees wet from rain open my lungs now I keep going.  My thoughts move a fast as my mind.back back I can’t Remember a specific time or when I gave Up. In fact I don’t rember ever not wanting to quite. I don’t know if I ever will or if my days know are just a second chance I guess it doeS not matter now I will descibe in detail my attemptS … another time or not ever the point is I have a second chance. My lungs burn.

As I move forward as I strive for success nobody will know about if I don’t tell them. I leave my phone at home. Thrusting my self body and moving Within present the result , a war.  When I am not running there  is always a silent battle between mind and body. A constant whisper “quite ” ! ” nothing but a second chance you will fail”.

However, I run. Right now I strive for nothing less than my quiet achieve meant: get around the block. The constant steady battle becomes a war inside my head.. instead of live or death it becomes run or walk .  It supprised me instead of making me happy running marks me aware. I realise that I am always trying to run away from life by being unaware a constantly.

The world my world is not pretty  event as I run It is not the shortness of breath my lungs burning , it is not my face sweaty and red ugly lumpy body . Not my deciving messed up perception of how I look to others. That make me want to quite. My mind tells I’m not good enough instead of a whisper battle in my head, the awareness of my thought and body make it feel like a searging war. I run any ways. I do not quit until half way . A pure victory for a quit er .One with many second chances . Many chances in the days to come. Because I did NOT Die  I will run instead feel alive and just want to die the whole way around the block.