I don’t know anymore.

I’ve been depressed on and off for about four years. I was in love with a good guy friend of mine. He moved away for a year and began dating his childhood best friend. About a year later I met a guy I liked. He was smart and funny in a dorky way. Things got complicated and it didn’t work out. This is when I first began to experience my depression. I listened to music most of the time, slept long hours, and neglected my homework and chores. I became a recluse. For months I was in a haze, but one day I snapped out of it suddenly. I had gotten into a particularly heated argument with my sibling and the next thing I remember is screaming and prying open the car door. We were driving on the freeway going about 60 or 70. I actually tried jumping out of the car. I would have succeeded had my sibling not held me back. After that I went to therapy for a year and it seemed to help a bit. I became calmer and more routine again. My grades rose a bit. But while I was in therapy a girl on my team began to go out of her way to be a ***** to me. After 2 months of being passive and ignoring her taunting and racial slurs, I snapped again. During a scrimmage, I dragged her down and scratched at her hard, trying to make her bleed. I tried to drown her. It wasn’t something I was proud of but she had been doing the very same thing to me during practice for weeks. I went to therapy once a week after that, not just once a month. I quit the team. I didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life. And it really did help. I was happy, genuinely happy for the first time in two years. My grades got much better. I was able to get a consistent 3.5 and for the first time in a long time felt in sync with people. I got my sense of humor back and actually enjoyed shopping. XD I got a good, solid group of friends that I love. They make me laugh everyday. And my boyfriend, he is the best. I wasn’t looking for him. The plan was to be single for the rest of my life. XD I actually went on a boy boycott for about a year and half after I got my head straight again. Lately though, I feel depressed again sometimes. My head and thoughts will sometimes slip off into that dark place. A lot has been happening lately. I recently learned that my grandmother, who helped raise, me is dying quickly. My parents and sibling have not spoken to my grandma or my mom’s family for months. My grandparents have never been very warm or loving people to my mom. My sibling is not talking to my parents or my other sibling or me because she is angry that we are trying to talk with my grandmother. She doesn’t have very long, so we figured it was best to talk with her and try at least. My other sibling is graduating and got a contract for two years or more working back east. She is one of my best friends. I’m going to miss her a lot. My other sibling, the one not talking to us, used to be my best friend. I feel lonely because I can’t talk to anyone about any of this. I miss my siblings and I’m going to be the only one still here. My grandmother is dying. And I wasn’t sad until a few days ago until I realized what it really meant. She won’t be here. Her life is ending. And I don’t know what to feel anymore about anything.