Life is messed up that has been pretty obvious to me, yet I still find myself hurt about it. I don’t know why I hope why I even care? I’m slowly shutting down, I care less and less about any and everything.This year has been the worst of my life thus far, I’ve lost so much and there is this aching pain inside. I lost family and friends and a significant other all in a matter of months back to back. There is literally nothing left in me not a damn thing I wouldn’t care if my own family died if what little friends I did have died, if I died. I am selfish consumed in my own narcissistic world and I only care about myself. I still hate myself I don’t really love myself. I don’t get what I am still alive for its so frustrating I feel stuck annoyed by life, people, work, school, and myself. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder some odd years ago and I thought it was stupid that it was something I needed to overcome on my own mentally. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been successful or maybe just being sick like this is killing me. I hate all of it, all these emotions and thoughts I want to feel nothing and sometimes I am able to shut it off but its never really permanent and I hate that.
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I ask the very same question Alina.
Why does life hurt so much?
In a matter of 4 months I have lost literally all I have besides my wretched life. I too, am shutting down little by little everyday and I am losing myself day by day.
Life is pain and your not alone in its suffering, but sadly we are ever so alone in this world.
Sorry things still aren’t going well Alina. You are one of the few member names here who I still recognize from a long time ago and who I know has been here at least as long as I have. My life isn’t getting much better either. I thought maybe I was finally starting to walk out of the fog that ruined all of 2012 and 2013, but nah.
I keep losing people too, and it’s really hard to learn to love yourself when the feedback you keep getting from the world and from other people is that you aren’t worth anything.
@thousandcuts: its sad that I’m still here, I’ve been coming to this site for four years!! And some how things haven’t truly improved. I’m broken, just damaged beyond any repair nothing will change that.
Yeah, I didn’t mean to point out how long you’ve been coming here as a way to make you feel bad, haha. I wish I didn’t need to come here any more either. In many ways I don’t even like this place any more. Yet I still come here because when I’m at rock bottom the only thing I can do is read that some other people are miserable too.
@thousandcuts: I don’t feel bad just more like “damn, this really has been going on for a long time”. I don’t like this place either I come here to write the words that I don’t ever really speak aloud. And I get what you meant in your recent post about hoping that family will change. I did that for years until finally this year I gave up hoping and cut them out, they have become dead to me. There will be no more repetition there hasn’t been and will not ever be. It sucks but it needed to be done and I’m in the middle of cutting my ex best friend/love of my life completely out of my life. He has been the hardest its like the hope of “us” won’t die off its frustrating.
This has also been the worst year of my life. And I am pretty positive mental pain is killing me also physically (this is probably good). I am getting worse and worse. I have constant infections, I am always sick.
You are not alone, Alina (if this can be of any comfort to you).
I know how this feels and I usually think I am the only one who feels like this. I woke up one day and realized I couldn’t remember what “love” felt like. I used to care so much. I know how it feels to not to and to hate yourself because of it. I don’t know what happened. And I know I can’t stay like this. But I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
I understand, this pretty much sums up how I feel.
I’ve felt this way before too; you care too much and it hurts. You stop caring/feeling and you hate yourself because people say its not normal.
Thankyou for this post.