all i can think on my commute is, if i just step off the platform if i just jump in front of the train, my pain will go away. I’m too much of a coward to do that. i can’t stop tearing up at work, then i was out with my parents and started crying in front of everyone, they just thought i was sad to see my family friends move, sure i am extremely sad about that, but my sadness for myself is much worse. I’m completely miserable to the point i can’t take it anymore. i just want to scream and beg everyone around me just stop what you’re doing, help me, make me stop hurting. I’m in so much pain. he took my life away. he took every bit of love in me, every bit of sparkle, every bit of care. this hurts so badly. the things he’s saying to me?!! he wants me to die. he’s getting his wish. he’s speeding up my death. he’s so selfish. he doesn’t understand how loved and cared for he was, and he abused every bit of it, and threw it in my face, and wouldn’t give it back to me. I’m telling him that over and over again, and he keeps making excuses and just putting the blame on everyone else again and again. me, my dad, etc etc. he deserves a lot of blame. I’m so beyond hurt i can’t even think. I’m in so much pain. i have no more words. maybe monday i’ll do it. i don’t know. i just can’t go on.