Every decision that I have made each mistake and failure in my life is floating around inside my head. The fact that i’m emotionally disconnected because I’m terrified of feeling anymore more pain. I don’t want anyone not even my ex and deep down I think I still love him. I still talk to him I still see him and I’m sure that’s a big mistake on my part. But I can’t let go maybe it’s because I’m afraid, maybe I like remembering the good. Its unhealthy I know that, but I seriously think that there is something wrong with me mentally. Is it wrong that I don’t care if I’m loved by anyone including myself? I was strangling myself ( I get high off the feeling) and i didn’t care I pulled tighter and didn’t let go i felt myself fading and then I let go because I forced myself. I don’t care to be alive I get nothing out of it and sometimes I feel like thats the only way to let go of all of it.
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hey alina… what have you been doing. I’m sorry. I wished I should of tried to been there for you, too. Are you still pondering in your vanishing pool? Are you okay? What could we have tried to do back then. What can we do now….. another lost friend. I’m not lonely, but I am all alone. You got an extra room to share up there? Or maybe, do you have any other suggestions?
peace
Staying in contact with an ex, especially when all the feelings haven’t died off, is an amazing way to torture yourself. I know what its like to refuse to let go of someone because as much as it hurts, you fear that not having them at all will hurt more. But its like trying to hold a red hot piece of metal and feeling it burn a hole through your hand. It does hurt more to totally let go of someone at first. But eventually with time the wound can start to heal. Compared to staying in touch with them, which is like ripping the scab off of a wound and letting it keep bleeding.
When my last relationship ended I literally would have given one of my limbs just for her to agree to stay in touch with me some way. But I didn’t have a choice as she wanted nothing to do with me, but I’m thankful now that I had to totally lose her. It took 2 entire years to fully heal. If she had been okay with staying friends or acting like maybe we could get back together some time, I would still be sitting here with the same wounds bleeding.
It seems counter intuitive when you really don’t want to lose somebody to think that you might be better off totally staying away from them. But in my experience, when a relationship ends, its better to totally move on. I’m too passionate to go from loving someone to agreeing to just be friends and continuing to see them in my life.
Just my two cents. I know you’ve been hurting for a while alina and maybe it has something to do with not totally cutting the strings with this person who you still care about. Its hard to be happy and get on with life when you still interact with someone who used to mean something more. It feels like having your skin peeled off to always be around someone you care about but can’t have. Kinda hard to focus on life and find ways to be happy when you’re having your skin ripped off every day.
I would guess that maybe it would be good for you to have to face facts and totally get away from this person. But that’s just a suggestion from someone who reads bits and pieces of your story online. Its okay to disagree. I can only speak for myself and I know it has always worked out for the best in the long run when I just have to totally let someone go. Otherwise it just feels like slowly bleeding to death.
@thousandcuts: that’s just it I’m having the opposite affect. I remember the good and see the now and I hate the now I don’t want the now. Each time I get closer to killing off all these feelings that I once had, I get closer to acceptance that the old is dead, it’s lost forever. I honestly don’t care to be with him, i don’t share my life with him anymore. I genuinely dont care about shit like seriously I don’t I use him prob the same way he uses me. Familiar company someone to share a few words with every so often honestly nothing more. Its completely numbing the entire time, I’m sure that some day it will all die and I can let go but I’m afraid and slowly but surely I’m trying to conquer that fear.