I know the difference between what is wrong and what is right. I know what I probably should do and what I choose to still do. I am AFRAID absolutely terrified because there is no real hope this time around. Why can’t anyone hear me or even see that I’m just scared?! I know the mistakes I’m making I know how my current decisions are hurting me. But i’m scared to be happy i’m scared to enjoy life, so scared that I’d rather just die now to avoid it. I don’t want to have a friend that I connect with and have the most awesome time with them only to see that they weren’t ever a true friend. I don’t want to fall in love with someone again and completely open up to that person only to have it fall apart. I don’t want to find happiness only to loose it all I can’t go through this all over again. So I would rather cling on to this pain this misery and never move on to happiness. Maybe its a combination of fear and maybe I feel like I deserve to hurt.
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Don’t worry. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong…. it’s more like, it’s just everything else…
im only doing what im meant to do right? its him its me its them its life its death either way theres pain
I don’t really know.
It Never Your Fault Too Feel The Way You Do , You Deserve Happiness , But If Clinging To Your Pain , Will Cope You , I Wish You The Best , & Im Sorry For What Your Going Through ,
I don’t know, Im just doing what I want. I self loathe, i want to not exist.
What have you been doing, btw. I think, you should check out an MMA club around your area maybe. You think you would be down for that? Train with other chicks train how to fight, it’s mostly just a hobby and for fun, though. Doooo iittttt.
I have no interest in anything anymore I literally have to force myself to do things. So that I don’t have time to think about all this shit I usually would consume myself with school and study till my brain was completely exhausted. I worked part time as well so there wasn’t really much free time for me to think. School is done right now and I just work and have nothing else to do so all this free time is killing me. I’m signed up for a summer class in july and I can’t wait to consume myself in it. And I don’t know whats going on with me and him, there’s nothing. There wasn’t really a break up just him pushing me away and I don’t understand a lot of things. But at this point I don’t think it matters anymore and I’ve it does I’m sure its not something he would want to talk about. But I don’t think I should keep doing this I think I might stop because its too risky and maybe thats why i’ve been doing it.
I’m sorry alina, the party didn’t come through. You can probably still get in on it, though. peace..
Your bf probably won’t even leave you alone, though, if you dumped his a**.
im jk though
To be honest i doubt you will read this, hell many pay no interest to my essecne let aline my words. But I will say this.
What is right and what is wrong? If so, why do we with knowledge, continue to do wrong and further our own suffering? Why must we dig the blade deeper and salt the wound then let the blade out and let it heal?
Do we like this pain, …. No. But this pain, no matter how excruitaing and unbearable, is all we know now. The pain is familiar and in that, we find comfort and fear a life without pain.
Why?
Well we would rather feel pain now and evermore than to heal and risk a new wound to open. So you cannot hurt me when I am already hurting, just only more.
Regardless we will suffer and experience pain in life. That’s life, unfair? Of course but we cannot deny that positive emotions and experiences do exist as well. There wouldn’t be pain without happiness and death without life. So in a sense we must accept the balance and embrace it. Experience pain but let it go, heal and move on. We must never allow these influences to stick and restrict us from experiencing the next.
Let go of your past and future. Dissolve your fears and free yourself from your own bondage. Embrace suffering and happiness and understand that both are temporary. Do not sulk and self loath because they are temporary it just gives you freedom to embrace the next.
yes I am aware of all that you speak of, it’s so simple to say it to acknowledge it with words. But to accept it emotionally to embrace it is quite difficult. Yes most things in life are temporary heck everything in life is pretty much temporary. But what hurts more loosing pain or loosing happiness? See why I am afraid? I don’t want to hurt all over again, have this perfect dream and then have it crushed. So I’d rather deal with this pain now because its numbing and its minor. If it happens again it will expand and be bigger and I’ll have to deal with more than this and I don’t think I’m ready.
Easy to say, yes, hard to set forth and do, of course. It will not be easy but it should not be easy, becuase you are gaining much more from your loss if you move forward.
Don’t dream and don’t expect much from life, do what you have to do but if you desire and fail you will be more discontent if you didn’t. Just move forward and see what life brings, if you expect, then expect to be disappointed instead of appreciating what true outcomes arise.
Remember, no latter the size if the wound, left untreated and restricted to heal it will become infected. Once infected it will inflict much more pain and misery and ultimately can do irreversible damage. Each day you let pass, the more energy it takes to fe back up until eventually you will succumb and never get up.
No matter how prepared we perceive ourselves to be in life, we are never truly ready to deal with problems in life. No one, but should that hold us back, no. We stand against adversity, conquer or avoid them, learn from then and move on to be someone better.
No pain is numbing.
We make our own prisons and choose to loathe within their walls, yet the doors always been open.
Oh and again, mind my spelling and grammer ticks.
But best if luck Alina.
Maybe its time to move in regardless if you want to or not. Your physical state is ever evolving so why not soul?