Ghhh…

Don’t know how much longer I can keep deluding myself. So long as I don’t think of my life – or rather lack there of – I just keep on existing, surfing through web, looking at completely inane stuff… Sometimes I read something or see something and though it has nothing to do with me and at times isn’t even all that sad I’ll feel tears welling up in my eyes. Then I’ll find a way to distract myself and pretend all is fine with me again. (Even though every moment I’m awake I know it’s not – I know I’m not alright)

Then my parents will come home from work and try to talk me into doing something that will help me stand up again and I’ll scream in my head how I can’t, how there is nothing that CAN be done, because although they do want to help me, there is nothing they can do as I just don’t have the motivation, the strength to try anymore. And I’ll feel sorry that they want this so much when it’s so useless and I can’t so anything and I won’t answer and pretend that I don’t care about anything (don’t even know how much of that is true and how much not).

I’ve recently started cutting myself. Very shallow small cuts and it’s rather hard to work myself up to it. I want to work up the courage to cut my veins, but it’s still so far away… It was maybe about a year or several months ago when I first tried – with a knife that turned out not to be very sharp, which meant I had to push rather hard to get even a scratch – altogether was rather laughable really. Bit more than a month ago I saw some shaving razors in a supermarket and it was… I don’t even know, I just stood there for maybe a minute, finally seeing it – I had been thinking about suicide constantly for a long time by then – this was the first time I actually saw a viable solution. I bought them and didn’t use  for about another couple of weeks, though just having them brought a sort of comfort.

Then I had a worse then usual day and finally took one of the razors out of the packaging. It was still hard to overcome the fear of pain and almost as soon as it broke skin I flinched away and the amount of pain that was left brought the misery in my heart down and then I just watch the blood slowly seeping and drying out of the small thin cut and it was calming – not thinking of anything, just watching the red.

I’m still very scared of death and pain. I want to overcome it, because then I can finally stop existing and giving these false useless hopes for my future to my family… The other day my parents accidentally didn’t turn off the gas – I only noticed when I left my room, once a good amount of it had leaked. I had the thought that I could close myself in the room and stay there – I had felt lightheaded even before I actually smelled the gas so surely if my parents didn’t come back soon… But I just couldn’t do it, I closed the gas and opened the window, all the while despairing over my still too active survival instinct.

I don’t want to live, I can’t live, but that’s just not enough, I’m still too afraid to actually die..

I don’t know where I am going, what… Where the hell aam I heading, what the hell can I do

I just … I just don’t know.