I have found my perfect method…insofar as any method can be perfect. No way of murdering yourself can be pretty…at the end of the day you’re leaving behind a slab of rotting meat for others to clear up and dispose of…but what can you do? Life is forcing my hand.
I’m 52, well past my prime, overweight, bipolar, on meds for many years, fucked up by them, now having to come off some because it’s that or diabetes. So I’m in withdrawal, and the depression is worse, I’m suicidal from morning till night, it’s practically all I think about.
Have lost all my passions over the last several years. No longer read books, cook, make or listen to music, write for pleasure or go to the movies. Can’t even interest myself in the offerings of BBC Radio 4, which I used to listen to all the time. I’m still a vegan and still love food, that’s about it really. Can’t do sex anymore, the antidepressants and antipsychotics killed my libido stone dead.
Have virtually no friends. Was badly betrayed by the two closest people in my life four years ago , and since then have had trust issues, plus I am socially anxious, even with people I know well. I don’t feel I have much to offer a friend. Friendship is a commitment to give time, positive energy, effort to a person. I’m not prepared to do that anymore. I prefer animals.
I live alone and have no partner. The one I did have I now realise was largely using me for sex, and still loved his ex-wife. I have no job, and am on disability. I have no job prospects, I have simply been unemployed too long. Plus I doubt that I could take the stress. I may be able to manage one or two days of voluntary work per week, but even that causes a disproportionate amount of anxiety and dread. I just can’t stand being in close proximity with people, with their fake smiles and happy banter.
My mind is made up. I will die by my own hand, and I know exactly how. I have chosen a ‘peaceful’ method, though this is probably a misnomer, because however gently you do it, it’s still self-murder. Life itself is the calamity, the tragedy. People thoughtlessly bring children into this world to suffer endlessly until forced to end their lives. That is the reality. Suicide is not wrong. It’s totally understandable given the circumstances in which we find ourselves.
The self-preservation instinct, good old-fashioned fear and guilt are what stop me from doing it today. My mother is in her eighties, is a wonderful person and has always loved me and stood by me through all the travails of my illness. Maybe I can at least stick around to see her out. Maybe not. It depends.
I have an 18 year old son to consider too. We have a love-hate relationship, hardly talk or see each other (he lives with someone else) and he has mental/emotional issues, which I feel partly responsible for. His life, or lack of one, is one of the main triggers for my suicidal feelings. I’ve failed horribly as a mother, and should never have had a child. He was the product of my mania/psychosis actually. You can probably imagine the guilt I feel over that. He has no dad.
My life is a train wreck by any standards. I spend my days perusing suicide websites, and that is the only time I’m content. I don’t want to read of happiness, positivity, of all the people who function and even manage to thrive in this life. Other members of my family such as brother and cousins are ‘successful’ and ‘normal’, and that gets waved in my face at every possible opportunity (usually by my mother, though she doesn’t understand that I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t like to tell her).
Walking down the street is a major undertaking for me these days. Everywhere I am confronted with socially active, busy people, living their lives. I am a loner, marginal, I don’t matter and I don’t count either economically or in any other way. In fact I am a burden on society, I live on other people’s money, basically, and can never pay them back.
My life is a sick joke, and I refuse to continue to exist this way until natural causes put me out of my misery. That could be decades yet. Sorry, no. I have my out and I will take it.
9 comments
You’re circumstances and feelings towards them are very similar to mine, bar a few minor exceptions. It’s heart-wrenching to be stuck in a reality like ours, and rather than receiving empathy we experience hate towards our affliction. That’s what kills me the most…why do they hate and mock me for being less blessed than them? It’s their hatred rather than my congenital problems that drive me towards suicide, and make me incredibly angry at the world. Social anxiety has impacted my life for the past 10 years and it’s escalated into full blown agoraphobia (not surprising considering people psychologically attack me as soon as I leave the house) and I know what you’re feeling can be overcome to some degree. The thing that strikes me about you is that you’re a father and appear to have been in jobs were you’ve succeeded. I think the possibility of a future is definitely there but it’s more that you don’t want it.
If circumstances were to change, would you still be considering suicide?
I no longer believe they will 853…once upon a time I believed I could be helped, something has broken inside me, I no longer have hope. As it stands I only see things getting worse. I’ve given it my best shot and I want to bow out while I can still muster a little grace and dignity.
Hi disenchanted, thanks for your comment. I’m a female actually…Social anxiety when it gets that severe you have problems leaving the house, is a prison. Claustrophobia and cabin fever make it impossible to stay in my house, in the end. I live alone and that would feel like being buried alive. So I don’t like leaving the house, but I have to force myself…it’s a lot easier if I have somewhere I need to be.
No, I’ve never really had a job I succeeded at…I was a very good student, and still attend classes when I can, but the working world and I don’t appear to get along.
It’s true that society looks down on us and that we’re stigmatised. I don’t feel psychologically attacked though. Most people are quite nice to me, but I’ve had enough of their funny little ways. Then again, we are people too, and share many of the same attributes. Duplicitous, violent, selfish, greedy, self-deluding and so on. There’s no escaping ourselves.
Would be nice to at least stick around while your mom is still here. Why put her through that shock of losing you at her age? And even though you may not be close with your son, I don’t think you’d be doing him any favors to find out at 18 years old that his mom killed herself. In my book I kinda see having children as a door that shuts on the option of suicide forever. Nobody should bring a child into this world and then decide they aren’t going to stick around.
Depending on which medications you are trying to stop taking, your brain could be going through a real war right now. Sometimes getting off a medication is so serious that it’s the type of thing where you should really find some type of inpatient clinic where you can stay temporarily and have medical supervision and meals provided etc. After removing a medication, it’s definitely the wrong time to be making any decisions about your life. The only reason I refused to try any medications and potentially miss out on the benefits they offer is that I never wanted to deal with all the downsides, like how hard it can be when you stop taking them. The chemical environment that your brain has come to know for so many years now has suddenly been changed, and it will be confusing for a while.
I have zero interest in starting the type of debate that can get people all fired up, but I can’t help admitting that I had this thought as I read your post. If you’re wanting to die anyway, in which case commitments to certain lifestyles would no longer matter, I wonder what would happen to your state of wellbeing if you stopped being vegan for a while. This wouldn’t be the first story I’ve heard where crushing depression and unhappiness seemed to go away when people would abandon a vegan diet, which can potentially be low in brain-healthy fats and proteins. As I said, not trying to stir up a debate or argument here, if you are diehard vegan until death then that’s fine, no discussion needed.
Hi ThousandCuts. I love that username! Death by a thousand cuts, it’s a quote from somewhere isn’t it? I was reading one of your posts with great interest and tried to do a search on your name to read other things by you, but that didn’t seem to work. So it’s really nice that you replied to my post!
Well, you are right about quite a few things. I didn’t want to hear it, but you basically told me what part of my own brain tells me, however hard I try to stick my fingers in my ears. My poor elderly mother, who has done nothing but love me, would be devastated, and the rest of her life would have a dark shadow cast over it, by the death of her only daughter. And my son would find himself effectively an orphan aged 18, as his dad has never been in his life. However much we may argue and piss each other off, he doesn’t want me dead. We’ll need to support each other when Grandma goes.
Anyway, today I saw my Floating Support Worker, then had an appointment with a locum psychiatrist and my care coordinator, so I’ve had a morning of professionals, and guess what, I did feel supported. They ARE trying to help…
You’re right too, about the meds. Now is NOT the time to be making life-or-death decisions. I’m going to remain on the same amount of medication until my mood begins to improve a little, when I stabilise I will go for a lower dose, not before, cause this isn’t a race. The main thing is, I’m sleeping OK, eating OK, ticking over, getting out most days. It’s just that my thoughts veer toward the morbid, constantly. But thoughts aren’t gonna kill me. Only actions can do that.
Regarding being vegan, well I’ve been a strict veggie for over thirty years, and vegan for quite a lot of that. I love vegan food and I think it loves me back, though I like it too much at times. I am pretty healthy apart from being overweight, (clinically obese actually) and unable to lose a single pound no matter how I restrict calories etc (that’s the main reason I have to get off these meds). But no, I won’t argue with you about it, you’re trying to help and diet is always something to consider carefully.
Good for you if you’ve managed to go med-free. These things are to be approached with great caution. Psychiatrists are groping in the dark when it comes to the effect of these chemicals on the human brain and body. My psychosis and depression were so bad I really had no choice, as I was forcibly hospitalised and drugged against my will many times. As you say, once you’re on them it’s not easy to get off.
Thank you, ThousandCuts, for being the Voice of Reason. What I wrote this morning was me venting. I’m alone too much. It really helped to get it off my chest.
Hello and welcome 🙂
It’s interesting, we don’t get all that many geezers like us around here very often – it’s refreshing. I can see why you were mistaken for a male writer – you’re very pragmatic, logical and economical in your writing style and thinking processes, although I did glean you to be a female from your original post 😉
I think you’ve alluded to the fact that your obesity issue is tied to your medications do it would seem paramount to find a way to eventually get off those meds or for you and your medical team to find an alternative. If it’s not the meds, then it sounds like something else medically is the root of the issue. I don’t normally get too involved in discussions of weight/size because i’m generally ignorant regarding such issues since i’ve rarely had to confront them so i apologize if i have overstepped or said anything offensive in that regard.
You sound sharp and thorough in your thoughts and considerations. I might offer that you weigh some of your issues regarding others to determine if they are really worth spending that much time and energy being concerned with – You mention having been betrayed by others and i fully acknowledge that hurt and damage – but why cast the actions of those onto others who have never given you cause to suspect of anything beyond honesty and loyalty?
Regarding your son – I can almost guarantee you, that in a few years his perspective and appreciation for your guidance will change – 18 is a tricky age – still “rebelling” because it’s practically a requirement at that age but justnow coming into adulthood and personal responsibility. We cannot rewrite the past so you can’t be concerned with what is and is not your “fault” in regards to how others lives go unless you are actively trying to hinder the path of others – which i will assume you are not. Your son is your son despite your general beliefs on bringing children into the world or the conditions of his birth – i can assure you I share a similar belief dating back to my teen years, that subjecting children to this f-ed up world is a bad idea. but nonetheless, i too have children – adults now, older than your son, and they are only just now beginning to appreciate the efforts and impacts i’ve made in their lives – key is to stay consistent, positive and open/available for them without “meddling”.
As for going out, doing things, interacting with others – I go on a simple premise – I don’t give a fuck – if people don’t like the way i look, dress, sound – fuck em – they can piss off, they hold no value or concern for me and thus i refuse to waste any time and energy contemplating their impact. This is not to say that I’m not courteous and respectful to everyone – strangers don’t know me or what i am going through or feeling so they do not deserve to be the recipient of whatever my general attitude or felling is at that moment – i find that when i must interact with others and i take into account that they should net take the brunt of my pain, that because i force myself to treat them civilly and respectfully, this improves my general mood despite what physical/mental demons i might currently be wrestling at the time.
And you mention that you are using public assistance/disability – it’s there for a reason – get it out of your head that you somehow need to “pay it back” or owe it – these are basically small bribes to hide the people the government (which is the people) has failed if they were doing the right thing for society, there’d be no need for it – since they’re screwing up society, the least they can do is assist those of us who they’ve swept under the carpet
In short, take care of yourself first – be respectful to others – take what is offered without remorse and don’t hide from the world – own it and let the chips fall where they may.
Sorry for the scattered mess that is my “thoughts” i hope you find some of my perspectives useful. you said a lot and i wanted to try to touch as many subjects as possible so i kid of puked all over the place. :/
pragmatist dawg
Haha ‘Pragmatist’ Dawg, I didn’t realise you were still around and it’s wonderful to have you comment on my first post for ages…you may remember a rather nutty (indeed somewhat psychotic) lady called Louise50? That was my old moniker. I like the way you use ‘geezers’ despite being American – I always remember how you were interested in those anglicisms (hell, I have no idea if that’s even a word!) OK, Britisms. Actually geezers are male…sorry to correct you Dawg lol. I have the greatest respect for you and always did, mad as I was.
Yes, when I read back my first post I noticed there was a sort of masculine edge to it that left the sex of the writer indeterminate. I’ve heard that as we age we become more androgynous, integrate more qualities of the opposite gender, or maybe it’s that I am now pretty much totally asexual. Sorry if that’s too much info, I find my decline abidingly fascinating, maybe I can stay alive just to watch myself biodegrade still further lol…
I take to heart what you say about not allowing a few rogue people to colour my views of all humans. And I know what you mean when you say it lifts your mood to treat strangers and people in general with courtesy and civility, being aware that they should not carry the blame for what a few others have done to you in the past. I do indeed try to do this. I’m going to keep what you say in mind Dawg…
And THANK YOU for your comments regarding public assistance, or as we call it, disability benefits. This world/society is all fucked up. They owe us, lol! We don’t owe them! Gosh I’m sailing a bit close to the wind here, hope I don’t attract any hate mail for saying that. But you have a point! If only I could keep that notion with me through my tormented days and nights. of feeling like a worthless outcast and a burden on society.
And thanks Dawg, for what you say about kids, and their tendency to change. I do hold that in mind when I can. I KNOW my son’s perspective will change as time goes on, and I just hope that I can demonstrate enough ‘presence’ throughout all the rough times to be useful to him when he gets over the rebellious teen stage. He did send me rather a lovely, loving text recently where he acknowledged that I would always be his mum, and that he was gonna do OK, maybe have his own family one day. Kids instinctively know what their parents want to hear don’t they…and they try to spare us too much of their angst and difficulties.
Anyway, to be around for my son’s next developmental milestones, I will have to stay alive…DANG!
As always Dawg you talk a lot of sense, and I hope you don’t have too many annoying memories of me back when I was a fixture here for a few months in 2011. We had fun times!
Ahh Louie50 – despite my aged and addled brain i DO remember you – and fond memories they are 🙂 … any annoyances must have slipped into the non-functioning voids of my geezer brain so you’re good there 😉 Glad to see you’re still topside and mucking up the realm to the consternation of the Crown 😛 I recall having some wonder as to what seemed your sudden “disappearance” from this site some time ago but I don’t think I ever got the impression that you “left” for the reason this site exists. I know i take sabbaticals from visiting here as well – mostly to give others a rest from my pontificating.
Now knowing who “seppuku” is – i am much more confident that you will be fine as despite your moment of weaknesses and feelings of exasperation, I know you’re a strong woman who makes reasonable and rational decisions regardless of the internal chaotic mind battles.
In short – you got this – give my regards to the Queen 😉
royal dawg