I am to the end of my rope.

basically I been molested by my step dad at age 5-8 my uncle forced me to have sex with my cousin jenny at age 6 while he molested her brother and sister at the same time. I been horribly beaten by my step dad from age 5-18, My moms side of the family outcasted me and hated me and treats me like pure crap. I was beaten by my step dad till I was either bleeding or he was tired. no one believed me and he was good at getting people to believe him. I been homeless for a year. I have done all kids of jobs and am almost a jack of all trades except when it comes to auto repair. I have nightmares of me being molested or beaten or other thing’s that have happened to me. even my mom and her sister and my moms grandma always abused me at some point and the older i got the worse my moms sister and cousins would be mean and hateful to me and would literally punch me hit me kick me try to stab me and would call the cops on me saying i tried raping them only for the rape stuff to come back as negative and then they would drop the charges and say they were angry at me. ive been all by myself my entire life. i never knew my real dad when i found him he passed away 4 months later of liver failure back in 2004 and my mom committed suicide back in 2006.

all i have for family is my real dads sister her son and her grand daughter whos 5 yrs old from her daughter. and as for all 7 ex’s i have, one cheated on me right infront of me with her sisters boyfriends brother, one told me after i moved from texas to arizona for her that she was using me to get her ex bf jealous and said im a loser and need to die. another i moved from texas to ohio to be with and she dumped me at a fair ground. basically all of them lied to me, used me to make their ex jealous, walked all over me, played games with me, dumped me in a week or two. one used me for 2 yrs. the most recent lied about being arrested, had her friend call me, then told me she was arrested 15 minutes later she gets on the phone then says she was kidding. she accused me numerous times of sending her crude pics of my penis which i never do that stuff then accused me of being other guys which i never was. then she accused me of sending a picture of me holding a gun, i hate guns.

then i turn the tables, i play the same games right back and for the past year. its been nothing but bs, lies, games on both ends. lastnight she hung up on me, then told me this is what i want that i dont want her. the ex before this last one, used me for two yrs told me everyday i was getting texts saying this is her brother or sister she is dead or dying or has an hour to live, i would get texts saying i had sex with your gf then her claim it was rape by her ex all 29 times. i have had her stand me up over 18 times and then play like she actually was there. she is back with her ex husband has two more children by him and swears only one is hers plus the other two she had before him and swears he is not her ex husband.

she still lies to me and contacts me every couple of weeks wanting to talk. claims shes happy and is having a great life and so on, rubs in my face about her new life and like i meant nothing. i have been single my entire life and have never been with a woman longer than 4 days in person before they do me the way they do me. i been on 8 dating sites 5 dating forums. dating sites get me nothing, i get ignored or blocked or one liner replies, dating forums i get women like that. im 5’11” 450 lbs, ive only kissed one woman,I have never had a blow job or a hand job or even felt a womans breasts or her down below area with my hand. iv never had sex i have zero experience with being with a woman bc none will be with me, ones who do, just want to play games or use me to make their ex jealous. im 33 and ive done a lot of things in life, i just want to settle down. i been looking for 3 yrs but its been all bs, heartbreak, drama

idk who i am anymore im so confused, conflicted torn, feeling unloved, unwanted, abandoned, no confidence no self esteem and i think horribly about myself i think i am some kind of ugly horrible mean hateful monster that needs to be caged up its really getting to me emotionally, mentally, i haven’t had but two dates out of 3 years every single day looking two dates, two different women, both wanted to jump into a relationship after first meeting.

the first one really did a number on me, did me worse then the second and the one before the last one contacts me every couple weeks to brag about her new life and rub it in. i know it all seems farfetched, but its true, and i keep asking myself, how and why is this happening and do i really deserve this? i keep asking why is this happening to me, sometimes i feel like i am really in purgatory. when i sleep all i do is have nightmares of hell and of these women torturing me literally, and i wake up in tears crying and cold sweats and about to scream. all i do lately is cry and sleep and cry more and sleep more. i wear a fake smile around my family and when im out in public, i hold my head down like i am ashamed of who i am and of myself and i just do what i got to do and stay out of others way and don’t bother anyone and hurry as fast as i can. i just don’t know what to do anymore. i am a complete and utter mess emotionally and mentally.