My life is on a steady decline.
I’ve had depression and anxiety all of my life, along with being fairly intelligent with an above-average aptitude for lateral thinking. I could always enthrall myself with studying random areas of science or mathematics for the sheer pleasure of learning, and I followed through with most everything that I was trying to learn. I had motivation and optimism for my future as I progressed through high school as a relatively happy (sort of) and healthy teenager.
Then came the turn. My girlfriend and I went to separate colleges. The long-distance relationship couldn’t last, and she ended it. I ended up becoming so fucking debilitated by this that I had to drop out of college and go back home.
I had always been a big believer in love, persisting regardless of environmental factors, and perhaps it was the one power that I did believe in. That belief was shattered, in a manner of speaking.
I got home, and my depression and anxiety steadily worsened. I went to see multiple therapists, none of which helped much.
I attempted suicide about a year after I got home and was committed to a psych ward for about 2 weeks.
During that period of time (while in the ward), I had my first seizure. When I got out of the ward, my seizures increased in frequency and duration. I was put on medication to control my seizures, which was effective in stopping them, but my doctors were unable to ascertain the reason behind my seizures because all diagnostic tests were normal.
Regardless, because I had epilepsy, I could not take any medications that could help me concentrate or reduce stress because those medications would lower my seizure threshold and cause me to have more seizures.
So, in short: because of the condition (epilepsy) and the medication for the condition that I have to take, I have become cognitively ‘fuzzy’. This means that my ability to be creative, learn new things, focus on anything, or retain/recall information has been greatly reduced.
I no longer study things that used to enthrall me.
I no longer feel emotions of happiness or optimism.
I constantly feel more and more fuzzy each day, and I can’t take any medications to actually help me because they would cause me to have more seizures.
Things and concepts that I used to be able to grasp easily now dangle, tantalizing me, just outside of my reach. Like I knew I used to be able to understand this, but now I can’t.
And that KILLS me.
The one thing I always had was my brain.
And that organ is slowly decaying away.
Even my senses of taste, smell, and sight are degrading.
Nothing since college has ever gotten any better. In fact, it’s been a steady downward slope leading toward a black pit of turmoil.
I no longer give any sort of shit about myself. The only reason that I haven’t ended it, REALLY ended it, is because my family and friends would be devastated. That’s it.
I’m still alive because of guilt, basically.
Now is that a way that any of you would want to live?
I’m slowly degrading, both physically and mentally, and there’s really nothing I can do to stop it. It will worsen, steadily. And even if it doesn’t, living in a constant fog without any motivation or survival instinct makes life SO DAMN HARD, regardless of your environment or upbringing.
Hope now is like Santa or the Tooth Fairy to me; nice ideas, but not within the realm of reality or existence.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Oh, and I hate my mother.
I’ve never liked her, but recently she has become even worse.
She’s never treated my dad well, but recently she’s treated him like complete shit. And he’s a great person, doesn’t deserve it at all.
All my dad does is give, and all she does is take. Living in her own little world of blissful ignorance.
I hate her because her DNA is inside of me. I am essentially half of her. I don’t mind having my dad’s DNA, but I wish with ALL of my fucking heart that my dad had married and had kids with another woman.
Because my mother had scarring in her Fallopian tubes, she had to have in vitro fertalization, which increases the likelihood of having twins or triplets; she had triplets. My brothers and I were born prematurely (11 weeks) because her body couldn’t handle triplets; this can have detrimental effects on physical and mental development: my mother’s fault. The male side of my mother’s family are all bald, which is why I’m currently losing my hair. ALSO my mother’s fault. I have seizures, which is probably related to being born prematurely. MY MOTHER’S FAULT.
There are very few people I despise in this world as much as my mother. My life, I believe, would be better if she had never existed. If my father had married someone else, and I had been born HEALTHY without most of these fucking PROBLEMS.
I just fucking hate my life. I have no motivation or means to progress forward in any way because of the effects my epilepsy has. I constantly have attention deficits and anxiety problems that I can’t shake because I can’t take the medications I need to mitigate them BECAUSE of my seizures. My physical appearance/attractiveness is ever steadily deteriorating due to both my loss of hair and loss of any energy and motivation to actually work out.
Every time I try to do something progress, my focus becomes completely decimated. I end up staring at a single page of a textbook for half an hour, in a stupor, never learning any of its contents.
A steady decline, with almost no hope of it even stopping, much less reversing.
This is why I NEED to get the fuck out of here.
I’m broken beyond repair
at some point, euthanasia should be a viable option for people like me
35 comments
I never understand why people feel the need to mention they’re “above average intelligence”, like what the fuck does that matter? it doesn’t make your pain any more valid, it doesn’t make you any better than anyone else, you wouldn’t mention you’re a better artist than the average person if you were so why mention intelligence? it’s just an aptitude and everyone has strengths and weaknesses, none are particularly relevant to suicide aside from the fact that your passion for your interests may decrease.
Heartbreak is the most horrible feeling next to loneliness, I’m sorry for your feelings
to be honest, I’m just sensitive about that because I’m incredibly jealous of anyone with significant intelligence lol, i wish i was smart
You’re weird… And that’s special! 😉
i was so special i was put in special education in high school ;; )
like actually, I had an IEP and a teacher that followed me around, i was that fucking “special”
not to make this about me, continue OP
I didn’t mention my intelligence to suggest that it would validate my degree of pain that I feel; quite the opposite actually. I mentioned it because it is technically an advantage, something that should make life easier as opposed to harder, which is what my life seems to be right now: hard. Even though I am fairly intelligent, I’m not nearly as smart as I’d like to be. Anyway that’s why I brought it up, sorry if that sounded egocentric or arrogant of me or whatever, I assure you that that was not my intention!
Oh and btw, judging by the manner in which you write, you’re intelligent enough. You’re smart. You may not think you are, but go and look on Yahoo answer questions and you’ll see that there’s a whole other level of stupidity in the human race that makes us both look like Einstein.
why would being intelligent make life easier?
The truth is, high intelligence can and frequently does make life more difficult. Highly intelligent people tend to see through bullshit, become overstimulated and turn to self medication, have a higher incidence of suicide and frequently have a hard time dealing with the cards life deals out to them. In fact if a highly intelligent individual doesn’t get the kind of care and structure they need from school and their home life, things can get really fucking untenable as adults. Many of the homeless people you see wandering aimlessly with shopping carts full of crap and living in their own funk are very intelligent people that dropped out of society because they couldn’t tolerate it. Two of my four kids were identified as “gifted” and the other two were borderline and I can tell you from experience that this is all true.
Thanks for responding btw, I really appreciate it!
Idk.. I wouldn’t be a noth’n, my head all full of stuff’n … if I only had a brain
Not to derail your post, I want to address your points soon, but intelligence is just the capacity to quickly analyze and recognize information and more efficiently retain and organize it. It doesn’t make your perspective anymore “clear”. It’s akin to a really good runner, yes they’re better than every other runner but everyone runs the same.
being cognitively impaired is something totally different though, as is being paraplegic in that analogy, then those two people operate very differently and you can’t say they “run” or “think” the same way
i don’t believe that being intelligence makes a person more inclined to understand a concept, perhaps quicker but I don’t think they can comprehend it in a way that transcends how an average person would. All these things you talk about, science, math, i think most people aren’t very knowledgeable on it which is why they don’t excel in it, but knowledge and being able to understand things are two different things. If you broke down quantum physics for a person and explained it in its basics and gradually educated them with its more complex constituents, I think everyone would be able to become a “genius” in that regard.
Being intelligent makes a person much more inclined to understand and innovate *quicker* and that’s it. What came to my mind is the ‘Infinite Monkey Theorem” where if you theoretically gave a monkey an infinite amount of time to randomly slap a keyboard it is inevitable they will eventually write the whole works of william shakespeare. Conversely, if an average person had an infinite amount of time they could invent calculus as isaac newton did. Because newton was more intelligent he was able to invent it much much *faster* than anyone else, but it does not make anyone else incapable of inventing it.
HOLY FUCKBEANS BATMAN!! holy shit bro I gotta hug u right now HUG. fuck man. EVERYTHING LITERALLY EVERYTHING U WROTE except the epilepsy I DEAL WITH. alright no more caps. but seriously everything u wrote is something that I deal with and had lost the ability, and continue to lose, the ability to articulate! fuck this shocked the shit out of me. this post helps me so much to know somebody feels the same way. about it all! I didn’t even finish reading ur whole post cut half way through I got too excited and had to post.
1) past 6 months especially I have been dealing with what I call some sort of early onset dementia dude. like past 4 months in this hospital bed were a goddamn nightmare on elm street. I’m talkig severe mental and cognitive debilitation and degradation to the enth degree. I’m talking couldn’t fucking think one damn thought. nothing would come into my mind. mind was beyond cloudy. cloudy doesn’t describe what I felt. I went from being a super creative artist and writer to feeling like the retard who sings “ding fries are done ding fries are done” song. iq dropped I mean ppl would talk to me and I could only respond in the most minimal fashion with a simple yes or no because I couldn’t process or at all let alone clearly. wow man it was a trip. I know that feeling of doom that comes with that tsunami approaching in the distance. u see it coming but the destructive crash is inevitable and u feel it in ur bones. I know that deep feel of hopelessness my fellow intellectual prisoner. I feel u bro. fuck I wish I could do more than write u these feeble words but I hope they carry some comfort no matter how small. where was I? I KNOW exactly what ur saying when it comes to losing all interest and motivation to learn because ú feel what’s the fucking point if u can’t grasp it as quickly as u previously could. all it does is provoke frustration which leads to exasperation and ultimately u know that leads to deeper depression and apathy. also what’s the point in forcing urself to engage if not only can u not absorb the info or even take in a situation(socially, intellectually) but u won’t even remember what u read even if it was literally just a minute ago. man, I hear u. I know what that feels like to feel the helplessness land on the landing strip of your heart and deploy the troops of despair Nd lack of control with the rage artillery in tow. boy do I know the anger and not only that but as a Man U feel emasculated and alone because of the loss of control over something as basic and taken for granted and as critical as the mind. as long as u have your mind u have your personality and strength of will to fight! and fight hard. but when ur mind is flanked and assaulted and u lose that stronghold the battle begins to lean in the enemies’ favour. fuck man dpi ever know this pain. that’s why I would gladly trade lives with most of the people who post to this site because many of their situations and depressive states are due to something circumstantial which can be man handled and eventually changed with enough dedication, strength and taking a proactive position in their lives. the mind is fickle. abstract and ultimately a beast that can’t be easily tamed–or not at all. we just trick ourselves into thinking or duping ourselves into believing we have the illusion of control when we really everything is chance and coincidence. but even an iota of feeling in control can make the difference that makes the difference. I know for me gaining my mental dimensions and cognitive faculties back would be the beginning of a new lease on life. it would be a new life period with no excuses no regrets and a champion attitude to move forward inch by inch until I made life my little *****. sadly and unfortunately that is not close to te case. I continue to deteriorate but that doesn’t have to be the same sob story for u my friend. oh no from what I gathered from ur post even visually is that ur an intelligent guy despite what u feel you’ve lost my oh still have your words your means to express. as long as I an express yourself u can still LIVE and live life WELL. my name is Patrick btw *handshake and army salute* don’t usually give my name out but this is unique and I can so profoundly relate with your struggle. as they say “the struggle is real”. it really is and every day is a fucking battle dude.
2) fuck my mother. I hate that *****. my mother is and was a controlling witch who manipulates any and every situation to her liking. have I tried to love her? absolutely. was there a time I probably felt love for her? for sure. before I knew who she really was and how she treated not only my father but two brothers. every day was a fight every day was a battle. it wasn’t a battle to be heard. no no it was a battle to be won and for her to emerge victorious and as the absolute dictator. her way or the highway was her motto. fuck yolo. she owned the house, my fathers balls and our hearts were in her deathgrip of emotional abuse erry day. she would consistently mock my father and emasculate his every attempt to display any masculinity or would undermine his desires to be the leader of the family which the father should be. I know all too well what it feels like to want a relationship with that maternal influence in your life but be air dropped into the bowels of dysfunction and mayhem and chaos. I’m not too big on soliciting unwanted advice especially on this site unless the person specifically asks–cuz I find relating works better as u lead them to a healthy solution which they believe they have arrived at themselves. and most ppl posting on this site are fairly intelligent and already know what needs to be done they just want that emotional support and echo of what they had previously deduced.
I’d give out my email but I’m afraid I’m not much help anymore dude. I’m so unstable from day to day and I keep regressing myself that I’m extremely shocked I was Able to formulate this response for u.
3) that feel of slowly having your soul ripped out of your very being has got to be up there as the most traumatizing thing one could ever experience because listen: it’s one thing to fall apart, degrade and deteriorate when you’re old and grey but a whole other ball game when you’re in the thralls of youthful vigor where the days are supposed to be the best of your life. I liken it to grabbing handfuls of dry sand and feeling it cascade through your fingers until you’re clenching an empty fist. that’s what it has felt like for me and it is unbearable buddy. inconsolable rage and pain follows that descent into the abyss of madness and void emptiness. people don’t see the struggle and they don’t see the pain because especially as men we are conditioned to hide it so well either because of our childhood emotional environment and/or the media. additionally the mind is ethereal and ephemeral. the mind may as well be an apparition to the ppl u are communicating the pain to because to them it’s just another abstract idea and their is no physical measure or scale for mental and emotional pain. we can measure physical pain and understand someone with a broken arm’s plight but not the case of someone with a broken mind. prepare to be misunderstood as u move forward. don’t ever bank on someone truly understanding the depth of your distress and what u have to face daily. it won’t come. u must learn to look to yourself and know that no matter what Suzy or Russel thinks of your personal war that you fight for yourself and your own approval which should be that you’re a fucking General for making it this far despite the terrible onslaught of adversity. best of luck soldier. I’m done rambling. hopefully my tirade aids you in some way. best wishes mate and *brohug*. keep fighting the good fight and keep posting here multiple times per day if need be. *salute* at ease sir. haha ;p
I agree with you with regard to intelligence not necessarily making one’s perspective any clearer, I do acknowledge this as what I believe to be the truth. If someone is born with retardation and it persists throughout their lives, this would make their life harder in a society that highly values natural aptitude. So intelligent people would have an advantage; their lives should be EASIER, based on that logic.
So my point is that, even with all my advantages, my life is still hard because of my perspective of the world and the conditions that I have (and once HAD).
Losing what you once had, in my opinion, is much worse than never having had it at all.
killswithon: I appreciate the post man! I don’t have time to give ya a full response right now, but when I can I’ll be sure to reply.
@stendarr ur smart n u know it. stop saying ur not smart it’s like u have an eating disorder and ppl keep saying ur skinny but u think ur fat. ur obv very fucking smart.
also ppl state that they are intelligent because for them it’s something that they have identified with their whole life. how it relates to depression and suicide or any mental torment in general is that many people feel a gradual or sometimes acutely dramatic drop in their intelligence and trust me it is akin to losing oneself. especially if you’ve come to pride and identify yourself with that quality. plus nobody wants to feel like a retard. anyway I’m exhausted from the book I wrote the OP so I’m transforming into Lurk Mode. autobots roll out.
you might say “the monkey was hitting the keyboard randomly though, it took no effort” but like anything ideas are also random, they’re influenced by variables but they come to mind out of new knowledge which a person may be randomly exposed, how they were exposed to it could be random, the probability of them being exposed to it is random etc. creating calculus is much more complex because it requires thinking but thinking is a function that will inevitably occur given an infinite amount of time and so is writing a shakespeare play
@kills
Pride is essentially the idea that they are superior in whatever they have pride in, and when people see themselves as superiorly intelligent often it comes with elitism and the idea that they are better than other people in the regards to self awareness and understanding
when you call someone stupid or when someone calls you stupid, what they really mean is “inferior” which is just a representation of how intelligence has a connotation of superiority
“no one wants to feel like a retard” that’s exactly what the mentality that most people have lol, why do most people not want to feel like a retard? because being cognitively impaired is seen as shameful and inferior
@kills
I just read your huge comment, you’re amazing
As is often pointed out: there are different “types of intelligence.”
And even i sometimes feel very, very average. There are many variables, and sometimes you “roll low” on all of them at once. Other times you might roll “critical hits” across the board and blow everyone’s mind including your own. Sometimes i don’t feel like thinking at all, and my reactions/interpretations “lag,” but other times, i feel like i’m seeing the future before it happens, kinda like “spidey sense.” It’s like i see all these factors start lining up, and what used to be an incalculable degree of infinite possibilities of varied odds, suddenly becomes “foresight,” and visions of what will happen take shape; and then it actually happens. The more you experience this, the more you can analyze just what it was that lead you to an accurate prediction, and apply those same filters to other things, or even learn how to modify those filters for other purposes, or even “fabricate” new filters for specific things, and you can actually develop this further. But at some point, i realized: i don’t want to know every damn thing that’s ever going to happen, because then i’ll never be genuinely surprised again, and i’ll get bored, even with the stuff i find most interesting. But it wouldn’t be a mistake to ALWAYS use that ability for certain things and situations, because some surprises are worth avoiding entirely. But sure, it’s not always completely reliable or foolproof, since there is almost always at least some degree of chaos and/or free will of other beings, in play. Plus, depression (or just mood), physical ailments, nutrition, even just your surroundings, all tend to have an impact on various cognitive functions. Take an “average” person out of a difficult environment, put them in an ideal environment, and they’ll probably show improvement. Take a genius and throw them into a difficult environment, and they might seem very average or even deficient. Starve someone and see if they still feel “sharp” after several days of no food.
Just sayin’. Not really challenging anyone, just part of my view on the matter. But i also think that all “intelligence types” are probably linked, and that there might be a sort of “core” or “fundamental” property or characteristic… but ultimately, i think that people tend to exhibit the highest scores in any area that genuinely interests them enough that they feel compelled… kinda like how Jung says the artist is not necessarily in control of his/her art, but rather, is a medium through which the universe expresses art (woooo meta-spiritualityyyy!! lol). Some of us are… differently compelled by our own nature, to behave and process certain things certain ways, and sometimes the variables line up to produce exceptional or astounding results… when the person doing it, may simply feel that they are doing what they must do, rather than “trying to be amazing” or anything.
There should be a lost-my-most-beloved-ability/hate-my-mother/slowly-decaying club or something (which includes losing girlfriend as an optional atribute), i would definitely join it and carry my membership card around at all times, lol.
Just had to point out, if anything i think intelligence makes life harder in many ways, even if it does give you an advantage in some fields (like studying a good career). And even if you do end up with a good career and good condition of life… well, that same intelligence can make you screw everything up.
I’m sorry about your loses, i know how bad it is to lose all the things you mention and i don’t wish that for anyone. At times i wonder if life gives you certain “customized” attributes and things which you grow accostumed to and then they are taken away just so you have something to struggle about… seems like a pattern (even if it doesn’t happen to everyone, lucky bastards). In any case i wish you for the best.
@OP let me add that I’m balding as well. it aint slow either like a few hairs here and there. no no no I’m talking if I’m having a bowl of wheaties by the time I pour in the milk I’m eating a bowl of long straight brown hair. likes it’s going fast man! as if someone hit the big red balding button when I hit 25 and they are jumping off the sinking titanic. seriously what it’s like. it’s like my head is Cuba under the Castro regime and my hairs are all Cubans that wanna desperately escape to a better life. I make light of it but it’s fucking horrible bro. I love my luscious locks of shit colored spaghetti noodles. my older bro pulled the golden ticket cuz he just has greys and it looks fucking awesome. total silver fox look. shines and reflects in the sun. looks fckin posh my friend. so I feel ya there too. it’s like someone’s slipping me chemo treatments in my sleep–losing it that fast!
pre mature birth. fist pump u on that one too. I was born a month premature. I was a wee lil premie baby cuz my mom smoked during the pregnancy until she murdered my twin which shook her into a sober state and butt out her Du Maurier like a decent human being. but because of her smoking and her DNA I came out with asthma and a host of ridiculous food and environmental allergies. no big deal I have dealt with em my whole life and it’s normal to me to eat all gluten and dairy free but it was rough as a kid around my peers. being different and them always asking questions and in turn feeling even more different. I loathed supper time at birthday parties cuz they’d have a fcking large pizza with the dip and wings and I’d have my shitty gluten free attempt at a piece of a cardboard haha. it is what it is though and the stuff ú can’t change may as well not gripe over it. don’t cry over spilt milk type of thing.
having said that I also don’t wanna fail to mention that not only has my mental state deteriorated in the past 6 months especially but my lower back as well. as if I don’t have enough on my plate as it is. saw a doc yesterday about it and her prognosis was useless and grim. pissed me the fuck off actually. basically told me that the treatment was physio which isn’t covered by OHIP in Canada, anti inflammatories like Advil and activity as tolerated. I told her that activity just intensifies the pain and exacerbates the whole issue and if my back continues to degrade at clip it’s traveling right now i won’t be able to walk by this time next year. i know u don’t have back pain but just wanted to give u the full peep show into my back stage antics and struggle. looking forward to reading your response brother bear. peace.
@stendarr haha thanks gurllllll. ur pretty fucking awesome urself. always liked ur style ever since our pun battle in chat. keep geekin to your own bongo beat
Wow.. If I actually took the time to sit and read through all this I might not have time to get my life together.
Cheers!!
I have a qustion. When you say you were a “believer in love” what did that belief look like?
I have found that when most people speak about love and their exceptions of love are kind of fuzzy.
My experience of relationship is that relationship happens on two levels, the stuff of life, job, bills, taking out the trash… and then that something that transcends the stuff life throws our way, that something that together in relationship the best and worst of ourselves are reveled. And reveled find it ok…
I have found that most relationships falter on the stuff of life not love. Some one needs to move to pursue their destiny… and we wonder why love, a love that was very real did not conquer all?
Or did it.
Love it seems in not the defining quality of relationship. Without it a relationship is not possible but love does not insure that a relationship continues, in fact often the most loving act is letting the relationship go.
If love ends when a relationship ends what is love?
@RealTalk30: i know, i read it and started replying and woke up 60 years later, and someone tells me there has been people on the moon? the humanity!
@killswitchon: That is funny, i was born premature as well (almost 2 months), thanks to my mother hiding out her pregnancy (by using a corset). Also suffer from physical problems, balding, etc, and i should have died at birth due to it (wish i had).
I was born premature too
killswitchon: I finally read your post! again, not enough time to formulate a lengthy response, but I’ll say that it seems as though we’re both going through relatively similar things (loved the bit about ding fries are done btw: priceless). I realize that we probably need to let go of the hatred that we share for our mothers, though I can’t at this point.
I absolutely loved your description of your predicaments btw, you are a pretty talented writer and an intelligent human being as far as I can tell.
You sir, are awesome.
Again, ill respond more when I can.
left22: when i said i was a believer in love, I meant that love surmounts all; if a couple is meant to be, their love will persist regardless of distance or degree of any environmental factor.
When my relationship ended, this belief was shattered to some degree.
Most painful thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’m still dealing with it.
It has forever changed me, and that is unfortunately not exaggerated.
If love ends when a relationship ends…well, it depends.
How deep did that love go?
You can love someone without your roots, your soul, being totally ingrained in their existence.
Which means you can move on if they move on.
But if you’re enraptured with the either, totally and completely.
Well, that just might cause irrevocable damage.
Love is a risk assessment, just like most everything. The deeper you feel, the deeper you fall, in love; the more it will hurt if you are torn from it
killswitchon: I’d like to supplement my last response;
We can’t change what our parents did to us, just as we can’t change the effects that were yielded by said actions. I’m really very sorry your mom smoked with you in the womb, it’s really too bad (understatement) that she couldn’t fully realize the gravity of her mistake until it was too late for your twin. At least she didn’t drink though…that causes much worse problems. I have a friend whose mother drank while he was in the womb and he has both learning disabilities and sever anxiety and depression.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should be thankful for what we have, even though we could have had it easier if our mothers had behaved differently/been different people.
Now that’s much easier said than done, but the first step in solving a problem is figuring out the answer to it (I just skipped the ‘acknowledgement’ part; most people on this site acknowledge that they have a problem)