Living on borrowed time

In my head i died two months ago

I had moved to the big city, crowded with too many people, living in a small bedroom , all so that i could accomplish my long life goal of succeeding as an artist. But my illusions broke like a millions of shards of glass when i came confronted to the reality that i didnt  had any more of my hard earned money to keep this dream alive, and after giving so much energy, i found myself at 24 years old, alone, broke, and with no one  to speak to with no more energy to spare. I had 2 choice, either gather the little energy left i had to finding a 9 to 5 boring job for the rest of my life while regretting my lost dreams. Or just end it then. I couldnt sleep, couldnt breathe, i had panic attacks , my body was shutting down, as i tried to go out to give my resume everywhere my eyes where semi closed as the pain and stress and nightmarish anticipation of what would be the rest of my life was unbearable, at that time, every last moment was too much to handle, so i came back home, and decided that finding a job to keep on living was no option. out of choice, and living an horrible feeling of despair and internal pain,i starting tearing my skin appart with a steak knife hoping each time i cut that it would go deep enough to cut the artery.Unable to do so, and in a state of extreme panic, i called an ambulance in order to buy myself a little time from what i knew was coming. Almost unable to speak or breathe. they drove me to the hospital, where they tied my bloody arms and my legs to a bed and shot me with sedatives.

After waking up, the pain was still there, all too much, but the urge to kill myself was not present , as people were watching me. there i met a young girl that seemed as desperate as me, we spoke for a brief moment, and for once in my life i could speak with someone who had no illusions either, who would not tell me, hang in there, keep going, you have so much going for you, and feed me bullshit. She was beautiful, and it suprised me, in my head i thought, this girl seems smart ,good looking,why is she sad, and then i realised, some people are born for pain and suffering, some people are born with the bad gene. I spoke with another broken human being, and in that moment i could finally relate to someone, but that moment passed quickly, as they sent me back home after two days and a stupid prescription and no solution to my problem. Too scared of what i would do to myself, unable to muster the energy to go on. i called out of despair my parents. That was the last thing i did as my last bits of energy were leaving me. At that moment i died inside, admitting to the world that i could not help myself anymore. I was broken and out of it.

Seeing how bad of a state i was in, they took me home. Its been two months now, i Havent left the computer for anything other than eat and sleep, too scared of life. After that horrendous episode of horrible internal pain in my room i became a shell of a person, traumatized by the horror of being unable to help yourself and having death as your only option. I cant even go out anymore, i cant bear to face life head on, its too hard.i dont know what ill do….i dont know if ill ever live normaly again, but it seems to me that i died that day i called my parents… im just surviving right now. hoping that i can sleep and eat as long as i can before i finish it all off… i dont know anything else i could do to make it right again, life has won and i have lost.

If youve been in this situation, please help.