Hey everyone,
I’ve just registered to this site so I hope everyone can see this post as I’ve so read many good one aswell. I really need your intel about a problem that’s concerning my plan.
But first, my story (incase anyone would wonder).
I’ve recently turned 21, I would say that I have been granted everything in life, I really loved life. But four years ago something happened. I was in high school, my grades were going great and my dream was soon about to come true to enter my dream college… I got an disease, incurable and hereditary. This disese was the one that killed my grandfather (mostly due to that times medical care) but my dad somehow managed to avoid it. Long story short it makes internal organs begin to bleed. I tried my best to keep my grades up and refused to quit school. Because I had done well in school earlier they let me have high absence from classes, nearly 70%. That said, my grades failed quite a bit… I got threw most of dreams away and my dream school is long forgotten.
Things got worse, my body like, broke… I had to stop with all my sport activities and mostly I was just in the hospital (I’ve lost 15 kg since then…) In this time, I was still quite positive, I would make it!
My girlfriend at that time left me because I weren’t able to travel, so that was quite a hassle but then I thought if she left me for that reason maybe it was for the best so I quickly moved on.
2 years went by in highschool, I hadn’t really accomplished anything except ruining my grades and lost some precious time in this life. My diesese kept getting worse so the doctors told me that I must take it more easy or it will keep getting worse.
After highschool I started to dip, I saw all my friends doing what they wanted and I just sat there, not allowed to do anything really and weren’t even capable of doing any of my hobbies. Every day i tried to do something so I wouldn’t isolate myself… One day when I was out talking a walk to just get some movement a motorcyclist ran over me (trust me or not, but it wasn’t my fault). However, my shoulder dislocated, my knees were damaged quite badly and my already damaged organs didint like it really. Since then I’m in strict pain with my shoulder can’t even hold a book with the same hand, can’t sleep on that side etc. It prevents me from doing the small stuff that I had left doing. I really tried making it better but my body and my doctors couldn’t really allow me to do some reasonable rehabilitation for my shoulder so I’m sitting here, writing this with one arm today…
My mind just kept getting darker for every week and here after 4 years of struggling and nothing to show for it I’ve given up really. My future according to the doctors can be “good”, if you would see good as just being at home for the rest of your life and forget about all your dreams and never be able to do anything physical or fun, yea.. then I can have a good life. Not a life for me.
The last 2 years I actually manged to meet a girl, who I knew since earlier and she knew about my condition. Still she liked me, she took care of me and did everything she could to make me feel better and she belived I would be better. It felt really good. I smiled when I was with her, but I never smiled otherwise. I don’t know if it was good for me, they say like “You can’t love someone until you love yourself”, and I really didin’t love myself. Before I met her I had already started having my suicidal thoughts.
Time went by, I could never really do anthing and I saw that she was starting to take some beating by it, it crushed my heart. She recently left me now and it ended well, I really understood her, I felt sorry for her. And that kind of did it to me. Now im sitting here, the stress has really giving some bad influense on my disese, I must check in to the hospital every second day so I can get food threw that tube because my stomach and intestinal system can’t handle it, and I can’t really handle the pain of bleeding all the time.
I really don’t want to anymore and physically I’ve only manged to go outside 2 times this month without a weelchair. My condition might get easier with time but I’ll never be able to get a job or travel, I really dont wan’t to continue this life.
That said, I got my question… My suicide plan. With my condition it’s quite easy for me to get my hands on some good meds, but my parents got them under 100% security and I cant access them other then my daily ration. In my country a gun is not so easy to get my hands on and I’m not in shape to get some hunters lisence. I read alot of thing about this helium method on this forum and it looks nice but there’s no chance I’ll be able to get those giant tanks home physically and my parents would notice, my dad is with me all day long, every day…
When I got sick my dad sold his company so he could retire early and take care of me. I really love them and I feel so bad, because this will destroy them…
Cutting my wrists, I wouldn’t be able to handle that pain and I would probably end up failing, I want to this once and do it right.
Method after method keeps getting rejected because I won’t physically be able to fix them.
I got one plan though, it’s risky… but I think it’s my only hope and it’s here my question comes.
I live about 10-12 meters above the ground, stone floor at the fallpoint. I haven’t really seen and answer if that height is enough, well some say it is and some say it’s not… I just wanna make my own post to my case and see if I can get any answers. I think it might not be, but if I dive with my head first it should probably do it, right? I was thinking if i were to jump with a angle where my head sligthly before my feet and holding a knife against my heart. Then I would hit my head first and then probably fall on my chest and the knife would get pushed in. This jump might be hard, and might end up i “falling over” and be a total failure but it’s my only chance I think. Do you guys think the fall will be from a sufficient height to end it all for me?
I know I could probably manage myself to some bridge, but I wanna end this close to home and I know im physically can do it from my home. I don’t wanna do it infront of some train or anything and affect the driver…
I really don’t want to hear that things might get better and I’ll manage to live with it, I’ve done my choice and I really want to know if my “masterplan” will work?
Best regards,
anonymous me :p
Sorry for my english and if the construction is a mess.
14 comments
Obviously I don’t know you, but from your post, you seem like an incredibly sweet person. Despite everything you’ve been through, up to a certain point you remained with your head held high and that’s remarkably admireable. I am truly sorry you’re in this situation, that you’ve been through so much. Your pain is understandable. You don’t want to hear that things might get better and I respect that, but have you talked to your parents? They seem to love you very much and I think if you had a long conversation with them, some of your perspective would change.
Please talk to them before you do anything. If anything, at least do that. Explain to them how you feel. I know everything seems horrible but you have two people right next to you that would listen to you.
Thank you for your fast reply, was worried noone would answer.
The thing is they’re well aware of the situation and it’s so hard to see my mom cry. I’m also their only child. But I can’t just survive, to live and survive is two different things, I think.
I’ve been at serveral different doctors and atm I’m talking to two ppl every week, one normal psychiatrist and one that’s performing KBT. Done it for years now, there’s not so much more to talk about really.
Living and surviving are indeed two completely different things, but your doctors said you might get better, yes? There’s a chance things will change?
Welcome. You’re in the right place.
Yes I might become better, but not good. I’ll nerver be able to work or do any demanding physical activities or anything fun really. With better they mean that I can accept the situation and make the best of it… I’m sorry if I sound negative towards you, I’m actually glad and thankful that you answered but it’s just that I’m done.. really.
Thank you Counting, appreciate it.
hey, im sorry to hear this is happening to you, you seem like a smart, emphatic and genuine human being, i can only see what a loss you would be to the world. Your system is making your boddy useless, but your mind? i do not believe it to be damaged, as far as i can see from the post anyway. prehaps it is your mind you are ment to use, your mind that will allow you to live a better life, you have a voice that you can make heard, research people through history who have had disfunctioning bodys but didnt let that stand in their way of making a difference, while i havnt looked into it, im sure it would be interesting results. ones body is, at the end of the day a casing for the brain, without the brain the body is useless, but without the body the brain still works. your not out of options yet mate, we only loose when we give up.
Also with regards to methods I stumbled across a sight a long time ago that seemed comprehensive. i believe it was called: lostallhope.com
Wouldn’t call myself smart but thanks. I know everything you’re saying is right. I can always make something from what I got. I would like to study, but I’m not allowd/recommended to put that kind of pressure on me. My disease gets worse when I stress or push myself. It’s just not the life for me.
I use to do some extra work as a golftrainer white studies, I’ve played golf since I was 4, I will nerver be able to do that again. My friends is also going all in on sports, travels etc. I can’t accept that I’ll nerver be able to follow them. I think the person I am is gone. But hey, thanks for making me smile, you got me to think of antother side.
I checked that site before, it seems legit. But they also say that my height probably isn’t enough. But still, a 10-12 meter fall on the head does seem fatal to me. But I’m no expert.
Who says you have to study, or that study has to be stressful? if its something you enjoy doing, and you study it recreationally whos to say what it would do, it would certainly help your mental health, theres also motivation speaking, all you need is a message and a voice, raise awareness and funding into research into your diseasse, help people apreciate their lifes, theres so much good to be done, if you want to do it. Well man if the sight says its not fatal, would you rather look into a more fatal hight or chance the one u have and possibly end up worse than you are now? killing ones self is suprisingly hard compared to what most people think
Yea I know, the thing is what I ‘ve studied hard for before was a education line that makes you a civil engineer and economist, it’s studies from 8-22 every day, atleast that’s what my friends are doing there atm. It may sound horrible, but I love it. Altough my boy cant handla it, tried it in high school which is 10 times easier 🙁 and yea, I coolt read others things, but I can’t eventuellt hold a book.
Yea… I’m really scared of failing. Yet I don’t want to switch positions. This way no random will discover me and pictures will not be taken. I just have to wait 2 week until my she comes home from her abroad vacation. I don’t want to ruin it for her, se really deserves to relax. Se still texts me sometimes just to see if I’m okay. I must make sure she realises that it’s not her fault.
Wow… I’m really good at talking, gotta stop here before I’ve written Bible 2
Thanks for everything
You are obviously a very nice person, and your parents love you. I do understand your situation and your suffering, but I think that you still have many options in life. I also don’t think you would really like to do this to your parents because they would truly be devastated. And 10-12 meters is not enough anyway…. Hang around here where you can talk about your situation. Talk to your parents too. You can still have a bright future.
All IM saying is that you always have an option, you always have something that you can do, but you have to find it for yourself, i understand that the life you had planned out is no longer practicle but that dosnt automatically mean everything else will go the same way, i understand what it is to have a life planned only to have it all go to shit. And when it did fall apart for me i wanted it over with but people here made me realise there’s always a way. Its not over untill we give up man.
Thank you for your responses. I do see your point and i do agree with them… but I don’t want to continue anymore.
If anyone enters this thread feel free to write.
Just read it tooyoung, what’s happened to you is tragic, I don’t know that I could survive it, and you definitely have so much going for you in other ways. Makes me mad at life that someone who had everything to live for has all they hold dear stripped away like this. I’m physically healthy but most of the time don’t appreciate it as it’s my mind that’s broken. However your story is very moving and humbling, thanks for sharing it.