relapse

I can’t believe myself. 58 days I went without cutting. 58 days of suppressing the tears until i could lock myself in my room and cry myself to sleep. 58 days of resisting the urges with all my will. did I cut when my ex yelled at me and told me he wished I would just fucking die? Did I cut when my uncle killed himself? Did I cut on any of those days when life was just too much for me to get out of bed, but I had to force myself to because if I didn’t who would take care of my brothers? No. But one measly fight with my mom and it all became too much to handle. with all she’s done, why was she important enough for me to relapse? She doesn’t deserve that. With all the people telling me I’m worthless, why did hearing it from her kill me? I have no idea but I do know that I hate myself for this. I am so weak. And the worse part is, all I can keep thinking is how badly I want to do it again; that I had forgotten how much I love it. I was so proud of myself but now 58 days seems like such a bleak accomplishment. *sigh. the only reason I’m still here is because my brothers need me. If there’s anyone that wants to talk, my email is cinderlilah2@gmail.com [I made it when I was nine…]