Ive been suffering from depression and suicidal ideation for roughly two years now, though I can remember my first time saying I want to die was in the 3rd grade. Two years ago I lost what I had believed as to be everything I had wanted. A house, nice car, a fiancee, I was happy and full of confidence.
Unfortunately I had the pleasure of losing all of that Plus more within 6 months time. Fiancee crashed my car, insurance wouldn’t pay for it, fiancee broke up with me, realized she had been cheating, kicked me out, and stopped paying the mortgage. House is in foreclosure.
Over the last two years ive been trying to pull myself up, with continued suicidal ideation and extreme lack of self-esteem. I now have an apartment I share with my sister. Have a girlfriend, though, honestly, ive done nothing but make train wrecks of all relationships since. I have all I want to work for in my sight, including going back to college, and yet, it all seems pointless, and I still want to end everything. I have everything to gain and barely anything to lose. Why is this so damned hard? I want to be happy again, I just..can’t. Sometimes ending things feels like the only choice, no more worries, failed relationships, heartbreak, it all stops. Not to mention I feel pointless anyways, as if something thats just there to merely exist.
I thought by now I’d be “better”. Logically looking at it I feel as if theres two options, fix myself or kill myself. Instead of either I’m just sitting here feeling empty.
1 comment
Don’t give up! I felt like that also for the past few years. I hated my life when I compared it to other people’s lives, I hated feeling like I had failed.
From your post, it sounds like you are genuinely trying to pull yourself out of your situation, and that is very respectable, I can sense that you are a hard worker and someone who cares deeply for others. It just seems like life has dealt you some rough blows lately, but I know and can sense that you have the strength and will to pull yourself out of it.
I used to measure my life against what I had accomplished, like my grades, my finances, and how perfect my relationships were. However, I messed up a few of my assignments and my grades dropped, my finances also became less than ideal during that time, and no relationship is perfect, so I felt like a failure. When I became depressed and suicidal, I knew it was time to let up on my self.
Honestly, I can say that there are days where I am so happy that I chose to stay alive. Some days, not so much, but it has gotten better recently. But on most days, I have a coherent thought telling myself that I am glad I chose to stay alive. : )
I’m not an expert or anything, but what helped me was to take small steps to improve my situation, and to stop judging myself against what other people have.
For you, I would recommend that you start by choosing one area to improve at a time. Take small steps (like, waking up and choosing to take action, and researching opportunities is always a big win for the day in my book) and slowly start to build confidence through the action and work you put in to making your life better.
Also, I started to measure my life and how much self-esteem I had by things that can’t be easily taken away, such as how I treat other people. I started to measure myself by how I lived by the moral which were important to me: kindness, honesty, compassion, hard work, and humor to name a few. I would literally measure my day by if I was kind to others, or made someone’s day by making them smile.
I have total faith in you and your ability to create an amazing life for yourself. Life has temporarily set you back, but you will grow stronger from it and come out happy and successful. Once you start taking action to improve your situation, the feelings will slowly start to disappear, trust me.
Your friend,
Still-hanging-on