I hope no one takes offense to the “Nuts” line.
Humor’s my go to when I’m trying to cover up my true feelings.
This is my first post.
Actually, I didn’t even know this site existed until about an hour ago.
Well, here it goes…
I’m 28 years old. I’ve struggled with depression & anxiety since I was a child. When I was a teenager I cut my wrists (not deep). I don’t think I wanted to die. I just wanted the the mental/emotional pain to STOP and to feel some sort of relief from the agony inside. Things at home were bad. My dad has bi-polar disorder & stopped working for like two years, parents fought non-stop (sometimes physical on my mom’s part), my dad told me he was gay in the midst of one of their brawls, then shortly after he moved out, there was a messy divorce, and after he was gone I became the target of my mom’s rage (& her punching bag).
I should probably mention that I’ve been chronically ill the majority of my life (defective immune system…lol) and was declared disabled a few years ago. I’m mostly homebound. Not gonna lie, it gets extremely lonely. I live with my dad whom I love dearly, & I don’t know what I’d do without him. It took a long time and years of not speaking, but things are finally getting better between my mom and me.
So that’s my back story.
Here’s what brought me here today:
Those old feelings of hopelessness and invisibility have been popping up again.
I feel like a useless waste of space.
My dad’s in a manic state right now and he’s saying some hurtful things. He told me that my cousin said to him, “I don’t know how you stand it” in reference to having to help take care of me because of my illness. He also compared living with me to “living with your mother” because I was concerned about him taking his meds properly. His niece who also has bi-polar is off her meds right now and is saying terrible things to everyone. I tried to politely reason with him that the best thing to do is not engage the negative behavior, & he told me to shut up, drop it, and stop lecturing him. The worst though was a couple days ago when I talked to him about his behavior lately and he told me, “You have to stop being so sensitive. This world’s a tough place and you’re never going to make it.”
I know it is his illness and he would never purposely hurt me, but he’s the only person that I truly have to talk to or rely on. It’s just really difficult because nearly all of my extended family members suffer from some sort of mental or physical illness, and the harder I try to pull us together the more backlash and venom I get thrown in my face.
I feel like I love people more than they love me. Most days I like that about myself (the fact that I’m not scared to LOVE freely), but then there’s days like today where I don’t know… I just feel like I’m missing something.
I feel completely alone, voiceless, invisible.
I don’t know what I’m doing here.
I feel like a burden.
I wish I could disappear…
8 comments
Don’t worry about people “taking offense.” If they didn’t want offense, they wouldn’t take any.
“You have to stop being so sensitive. This world’s a tough place and you’re never going to make it.”
This is actually not quite false. I would clarify it to say that you have to learn to shield your sensitivities effectively, and then selectively allow them to become engaged at appropriate moments. Not easy if it doesn’t come naturally or through training.
Remember “people say things.” Many misspeak, and many do not articulate as precisely or communicate as efficaciously as they should, or could if they’d just try harder. With so many words and variations and nuanced complexity, and so much pressure in the midst of a spoken exchange, even i have often miscommunicated (which is part of the source of my verbosity; in order to give others the best possible chance to understand exactly what i wish to convey, i must convey it as precisely as possible; if they don’t do their part to interpret it correctly, or are simply unwilling to consider an alternate perspective from their own, i can’t really take responsibility for that. Words are only as powerful as their audience allows).
I think we all feel like we’re missing something: the good worth enduring the bad.
That made me cry. You’re very brave and have every right to feel that way.
You’ve been through worse hun and you made it out. It’ll be okay 🙂
Thank you for the support scared_confused. I myself was bawling while writing it, so sorry if the thoughts are a bit jumbled…
Thanks clevername. Appreciate your thoughts. I was very upset whilst typing this, & thoughts were a bit scattered. Let me clarify…
My struggle with depression/anxiety as well as chronic illness & coming from an abusive home with a parent who had, at the time, undiagnosed bipolar have taught me to be strong & to rely on myself. It also taught me, after years of therapy and self analysis, that people’s words can’t have power over you unless you allow them to.
I’ve always been very empathetic to others. My parents said as a toddler I would cry if someone died or got hurt in a Disney movie. I used to think this was a bad thing…being “sensitive” to feelings, emotions, etc. I thought it made me weak, but the older I get the more I realize it’s a blessing especially in a family full of mental illness. Being able to recognize that a person’s attitude or demeanor is a symptom not a disease (medical metaphor). When my dad said: “You have to stop being so sensitive. This world’s a tough place and you’re never going to make it,” I replied: “I had to be tough growing up in a house with you and Mom. And I’m not going to close my heart off to the world.”
With that being said…I think I just needed to vent and throw myself a bit of a pity party. Things have just been difficult. Due to my declining health in the past seven years I’ve been forced to leave college, work, stop driving, and it’s all very overwhelming – especially because I’ve always been a very independent, self-relient person. It’s this weird dichotomy…my mind has all these dreams and goals that my body can’t fulfill. I’m struggling to find…ok, I know this is so clichéd….my purpose. I feel stuck inside myself and alone and invisible and useless. I feel like when people look at me they just see weakness and sickness, and it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs I’M STILL HERE! I AM A HUMAN BEING! MY THOUGHTS, OPINIONS, & FEELINGS MATTER JUST AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE!
It feels good just to be able to get that out. I’m really glad I found this forum. It’s important to be able to discuss the not so pretty thoughts…
Right on. I can identify with most of what you said, actually, though my circumstances have been quite different. I certainly understand, first hand, the sensitivity and bizarre dichotomy part. I feel like i’ve finally found an assortment of things i can refer to as “my purpose,” but now i have to figure out how, or even if, i can recover enough of my physical health, and reconfigure enough of my material world, to actually make all the effort worthwhile… and it’s often overwhelmingly stressful and debilitating. I don’t personally have a problem with being suicidal anymore; i have a problem with being miserable and trapped. I want to live, but i’m not sure i even can now. I suppose i intend to stick around long enough to find the real answer to that… perhaps even engineer the answer i want to receive, at least for now.
In my 28 years I’ve never had the right answer at the right time for anything. Lol. You are worthwhile, and the effort to do to the things that make you happy is worthwhile.
I found to my cost that it’s no good to keep emotions inside, I’m glad you’ve came here and found you can speak freely, it’s a great forum for that as you say. I know you’re had it tough and losing your independence must be hard to take, being alone is the hardest thing I cope with so I just can’t imagine the things you have to deal with, take care and try and be strong, you are an important person.
Thanks nias. It’s comforting to hear such kind words from complete strangers. The loss of independence has been the hardest part to be quite honest. I still find the happiness in my life, but I have days like today where everything’s going wrong and I wonder if it will get better. Then I feel selfish and guilty for complaining because there are literally millions of people living with worse conditions.
I hope your loneliness subsides as well. Best wishes…