Fuck it all.
I tried to make my friends understand what I go through,and the harsh reality hit me:I had no true friends.They were only using me while I was still usable and now that I am going through a hard time,all of them,absolutely all of them,dumped me.
I miss the days when I was together with my ex-girlfriend.We were both struggling with extreme suicidal thoughts and depression,among many other mental illnesses,and we were supporting each-other through this shit.I guess now that she got better she doesn’t give a fuck about me anymore.That’s good…It’s good…It’s all fucking good…Wish you fucking luck with that German guy you are with now…Fucking *****…I still love you but I fucking hate you at the same time…Whatever.I hope that one day you will realize you were my only reason to keep going.
I tried to make my parents understand.I started by hinting them about my feelings,they acted like there was no hint.I’ve gone forward to outright describe my feelings in detail for them,and they just told me that ”life will get harder than this.You can’t give up now.It will keep getting harder but you must continue because God has a plan for you.You don’t even have any real problems.It’s all in your head.Stop listening to that music and pray more and it will all go away”.Yeah sure,you fucking fanatics…That’s the primary reason I’m not a christian anymore.It didn’t fucking help me at all…Then I’ve gone all the way to do a very risky suicidal gesture as a final attempt to make them understand.I’ve slashed my wrist and cut,cut,cut and cut until I hit the fucking bone.When they discovered me half-awake in the bathtub my father hit me two times across the head and told he he’d fucking kill me if I do this again.
In the end,we’re all fucking alone.Even you guys reading this,if you really knew me,you’d either avoid me or make fun of me because of who I am.
I am a fucking former drug addict.I used to take prescription medication and combine them to get high.Nobody except me and a few ”close friends” know that.
I rarely ever do anything else than sit in my room and cut while listening to depressive music…but that somehow calms me down.
I’ve attempted suicide around 10 times so far,and plan on continuing to do so until I finally hit the fucking jackpot one day and I succeed.
I don’t got a fucking social life.People rarely talk to me,and that’s only when they REALLY need to.
When I left Romania to move to Germany,I thought I’d get a new chance to start everything all over again.A chance to finally live a normal life.But no,the curse had to follow me even here.The ”friends” I’ve made here have only talked to me for the first 2 months since I live here,after which they got to know me and decided to avoid me.And if that wasn’t enough,I’m forced to put up with verbal abuse from random idiots on the streets since my ”friends” spread rumors about me all over the fucking place.And Germany also has wonderful fucking laws.They’re allowed to fucking insult me in every way possible,but if I fucking go and want to rip their throats apart,it’s me who gets to be called ”psychopathic maniac” and get thrown into the police station’s basement overnight…Plus the embarrassment of the next morning from my parents,calling me a disappointment and telling me I am not normal in the head…
They don’t fucking know me…
Nobody fucking knows me…
So just fucking stop talking about me and start worrying about your own lives,you retarded motherfuckers.
You don’t know who the fuck you’re messing with…I almost got in juvenile prison for attempted murder back in Romania because I jumped some guy who continuously insulted me with a knife,so you should fucking watch it,since I got nothing to fucking lose.I don’t ask you to be fucking nice to me,I only ask that you ignore my existence completely and never talk to or about me again in any way.
I don’t mean to threaten anyone…All I want is to be left alone…I know,I’m a violent semi-psychopath with no fucking future,but that isn’t your motherfucking problem,so please,just leave me the fuck alone,all of you.I don’t want your ”empathy”,you hypocrites…You only talk to me and pretend you care to get new information about me which you can spread around to mock me even more…
I’ll be gone soon enough,and my only wish is that all of you who hurt me in anyway end up a hundred times worse than me.Cheers,bastards…
13 comments
“They’re allowed to fucking insult me in every way possible,but if I fucking go and want to rip their throats apart,it’s me who gets to be called ”psychopathic maniac” and get thrown into the police station’s basement overnight”
Am I glad to live In Germany.
What I meant to say is that it’s not their fucking business what I do with my fucked up life.Spreading rumors and talking about me behind my back,or even insulting me face to face,is not what I want.I want them to at least leave me the fuck alone if they don’t like me.
Yes I agree. Verbal abuse is an offense and if you’re not able to cope with it I would consider telling the police about it. Or just learn to ignore what someone says about you who you don’t want anything to do with. Anyways, violence should never be an option.
you sound like a grumbling old bastard
lol, if you don’t want empathy, objective opinion can be provided
further perpetuating your second to last paragraph
Everyone needs empathy,but it’s just that it’s become extremely hard to believe someone to be honest about this empathy after all the betrayals I’ve gone through.
“they don’t know me” etc;
what is there to know?
…with that attitude, maybe you just lack character. You seem very angry. If you tried expressing yourself in a more productive manner, you wouldn’t be so frustrated. This is just kind of angry escapism to me.
See?
I already wrote it up in my post that I already tried expressing myself to ”friends” in a healthy manner,but nobody gave a fuck.And I believe I got the right to be angry after all this daily crap I go through.
I told you in the post that if you got to know me you’d either avoid me or mock me for what I have become,and here you are.What attitude?You mean the attitude of a person who’s lost the meaning that his life once had?Then you’re right,I got a fucked up attitude.
The good thing is you realize that you’re attitude is fucked up. That may sound stupid, but realizing your mistakes is the first and necessary step to improving yourself.
‘further perpetuating your second to last paragraph’
howmmuchndo you expect people to hear after psycho this, fuck this, fuck that…
this is just *coming across as* angry escapism
Germany is a big place. How can you keep running into them
I don’t live all over Germany…I live in a damn city in Germany
I twice attempted to respond here, but i ended up dissatisfied with the result both times, so didn’t submit it.
From what you’ve written, i’d say your anger is justified.
However… you’re going to have to learn to ignore “just words.” You can’t just flip out and attack people for mocking or insulting you. Perhaps there are certain phrases that just really push your buttons… and while i have no idea about Germany’s laws, i would guess, or at least hope, that they would have some sort of self-defense clause, so that you won’t get in trouble for kicking the shit out of someone who throws the first strike, after verbally provoking you.
Also:
“I hope that one day you will realize you were my only reason to keep going.”
Dude, that is way too much pressure to put on anyone. No one wants to feel like they have to stay to stop you from destroying yourself. I’m not saying she’s right, but putting that type and amount of pressure and responsibility upon a woman’s shoulders, almost never works out. It sort of makes them feel like you need them to be your mother, and almost none of them like that. There is so much more to say about this particular aspect… but honestly, it’s irrelevant now because she’s gone… and by her own choice. She already decided, and quickly, and because no girl wants to feel trapped by the responsibility of you maybe killing yourself if she decides not to be with you. So, boom, she jets before that can have a chance to happen; and if you do it, she wants to be far away from that event, when it happens.
But again, not defending her, because it’s fucked up to go around pretending to love people and then just ditching them as soon as something difficult happens. Lots of women do that (i really don’t know whether men do that, but i’m sure men do plenty of fucked up shit too… just not this man). I’ve had it done to me, and i don’t like it any more than you do.
It seems to work like this:
If you believe they will leave you, they will.
But believing they will stay, doesn’t make them stay (though they are far more likely to stay if you believe they will… which is you risking a huge, potentially devastating vulnerability, for someone who might not stay, no matter what you believe).
Focus on yourself: heal up, stabilize your life, then never stop improving. Maybe the next one will respect you. Maybe the one after that.