I guess I should start off with saying that I am a 17 year old Female.
I’ve delt with depression basically my whole life, I can’t really do much about it except try my best to be positive. Life has been pretty hard, I’m not gonna lie. When I was 15 I experienced my first real serious relationship, he was a douchebag (so I’ve come to realize) but at the time I was pretty naive and didn’t see it. He constantly flirted with other girls while we were dating, he cheated on me and then dumped me for my best friend. We only really dated for 4 months, but I was fifteen so you can imagine that it was a pretty big deal to me. I feel like around four months you finally become comfortable and used to a person. Anyway, that break up hit me pretty hard and I was upset over it for awhile. I finally got over it this past December (the break up happened in April). I was good, I was finally enjoying being single and enjoying my life. Then I started talking to this other guy. I knew he recently had a break up and I know how those go, so I messaged him telling him that I thought he deserved to be happy and that I wish that he would be happy all the time. He started talking to me a lot after that, we talked 3 days straight, we only stopped to sleep. He didn’t go two hours without calling me, it was wonderful. I find out that he actually had started dating the girl again, like before I started talking to him. He felt bad and he broke the news to me, because he was interested in me at this point. He ended up leaving her and we waited like a week to make things official. Yeah, at this point I sensed the relationship wouldn’t end smoothly and that I might be a rebound, but I wanted to see where it would go anyway. I ended up giving him my virginity, he lived 6 hours away so I spent a lot of money visiting him. I fell really hard for this guy. Well, then I ended up driving all the way down there for his prom and I spent all this money on it because I knew it meant a lot to him and I wanted him to be happy. Everything went well, we just had some nagging here and there but I always kinda secretly liked our bickering, I thought it was cute. Anyway, he ends up dumping me and he didn’t really give me a reason except that he “needs space”. I gave him the space but I was also pretty upset. I vented to anyone that would let me, I just wanted all the feelings to leave my system. I texted him so many times asking for him to call me, to give me another chance, asking why he did it, begging. When he would call I broke down crying. My suicidal thoughts came back, my depression got really bad again. I didn’t really hurt myself or anything, I knew it was dumb to do that over some stupid boy. I’ve recently came to the conclusion that I’ve done all I can do, and that maybe I don’t want someone that feels that they need space from me. I want someone that looks at me and someone can physically see how much they love me. Someone that notices the small things like how my voice gets faster and gets a little higher pitched when I get excited about something, and finds that adorable. and other little things too. Someone that calls me just to tell me they were thinking about me. and I know that person is out there, I just wish I wasn’t so alone right now.
So basically, I’m at the point where I can shrug and say, well that sucks. But there’s nothing I can do. The only thing is that he ignores me all the time, and he’s still using my Netflix because I left it logged in on his computer. I told him countless times to stop using it if he’s not going to talk to me. I would just change the password but it’s my friends Netflix and she doesn’t know he’s using it too. He’s still using it though and he still wont talk to me. I just found out that he blocked me on instagram and I’m not quite sure why, I made the mistake of texting him asking him why but I doubt he’ll reply. I’m sure he’ll just get irritated with me.
But right now my depression is getting really bad and I’m feeling really suicidal. Not just because of my ex, but also because my friends. I guess when I was venting to them they didn’t really want to be vented to. One of them said that I was using all of my “friends” to feed my obsession with my ex. He broke up with me over a month ago, I mean I have a right to be upset about it for a bit.. I think. But so far I’ve been blocked once, deleted on facebook, like at least 5 other of my friends are just flat out ignoring me, another one isn’t talking to me because he says “I’m sorry, I just feel terrible when I talk to you.”
The whole thing is just really frustrating because I have gotten better! A lot of them don’t want to talk to me because I used to talk about my ex a lot like 2 or 3 weeks ago, but they wont give me a chance to even prove that I’ve gotten better. Me asking them to talk to me and stop ignoring me and be my friend again isn’t working though, I feel like its just dis-proving the “I’ve gotten better” portion. I don’t talk about him like at all anymore! I find it tedious at this point. There’s literally nothing else to say about it. I just feel really alone right now and I feel like I’m just this huge fuck up that can’t do anything right. I just keep pushing all of those friends farther away, I have no one to talk to. I’m trying to get a therapist again, I know I need it. Also, all this stuff happening has been making my anxiety act up too and I have been actually throwing up because I make my stomach too upset with all of this. At this point I’m just wondering what the point to living is because I only seem to be bringing everyone down, everyone seems like they don’t want anything to do with me even though I’ve been nothing but nice to them and caring for as long as I’ve known them.
I feel like I’m just one big inconvenience, even with my family. I’m just another thing people have to spend money and time on. I apparently just bring peoples moods down. I just hate feeling this way. My stomach is constantly upset now, I keep getting adrenaline rushes whenever someone actually talks to me, and i get scared to death every time someone talks to me because I don’t want to fuck it up like I keep doing lately. My depression just keeps telling me I’m worthless and just an inconvenience and I feel like it would just be easier for everyone if I just killed myself.
All I ever wanted was to make other people happy, to love someone and be loved, and to be happy. I never wanted anything more than that but no matter what I do I just get walked all over and treated like shit. These people KNOW that I’m this upset about it too, and they don’t really seem to care. I’ve explained myself numerous times and they don’t seem to want to hear me out, they just want to go on not liking me.
Sorry, I’ve just been talking in circles but as I’ve said before, I really don’t have anyone to talk to about it anymore.
And apparently no one really cares anyway, they would rather not be brought down.
It’s fucking stupid though, I’m ALWAYS here for them when THEY’RE upset but as soon as I get upset they book it. What the fuck is that.
I feel like I’m just a piece of shit. I feel worthless and unloved. I feel broken and unwanted. I feel like I will never be happy, and that scares me.
I don’t know what to do to get out of this place that I’m at, I don’t know how to fix these friendships. I dont have any sort of guide book to this.
I hate that I have to wake up every day feeling this way because no one gives two shits about me. I feel like an old used up doll that’s been thrown away because they got bored with me and I got a little dirty.
I feel worthless, and I dont see the point to live anymore if I’m just an inconvenience to everyone around me. I don’t see the point in building up friendships or relationships only to have this happen all over again. I get close to people, and then everything just gets fucked up like this. I don’t know if I want to go through this pain again. I just want ONE person that won’t leave… one.
Why should I go on living? What’s the point? I don’t see any place for me in this world. I have no one, and no one wants me.
10 comments
I’m here for you.
There’s always a point in living, trust me. Even if it doesn’t seem like it. Even if all the lights in the world go out.
People can be cruel, you’ve got to learn to concentrate on the good ones. The bad can sometimes outway the good, but that doesn’t erase the good or make it any less important π
I’m here. That’s one person.
Those people who left you alone are not your friends. It doesn’t matter how persistent or sad you are, real friends are there for the bad times and for any other time when you need them.
Alot of similar things happened to me as well. But I got through it somehow. I thought I would have ended it dozens of times, and hell, I wanted to. But there is always a beam of light somewhere, there’s always something happy and good.
Im here if you want to talk to someone.
And when I said Im here I literally mean it
Keep your head up Γ°ΕΈβ’Ε
I’m here as well. That makes two people who care for you.
Thank you both. It really means a lot.
I know I shouldn’t even consider them being my friends, you’re right. It just sucks because I miss hanging out with them :\ the memories.
Hey. You obviously have a lot on weighing on your mind right now, considering the sheer amount of words in this post, and the almost frantic way they seem to have been typed. Then again, I guess some people just have a tendency to type that way. Anyways, I agree with knightofone about your friends. If someone refuses to talk to you in a time of need because you “bring them down”, that’s not a very good friend. Still, as I’ve said before on this site, a shitty friend can be preferable to complete loneliness.
The Netflix mooching thing reminds me of something that happened to a friend of mine… and the stomach issues remind me of me. Mine are not bad enough to cause me to throw up, luckily, but I definitely have a history there. So I feel for you.
Ah, the old “I need space”. Ain’t that a *****? I think most people get this line at least a couple of times in their lives. Ugh. Anyways, I’m here as well if you ever need to talk. I wouldn’t at all mind it, if your friends are too stuck up, and you need someone to listen.
The “i need space” thing isn’t always an excuse or a way to do things behind someone’s back (which is what most people associate with it). I’ve honestly used it when i do need space, as in too many responsabilities to fulfill, lack of time due to studies, work, etc. I’ve never seen it as a full disconnect from the person either, but seems to me like most do. Still, i refuse to believe i’m the only human being that is honest regarding the meaning of that line! lol.
Thanks TheRiver, I just now got around to seeing your comment. Yeah, I did have a lot weighing on my mind that is why I typed so frantically. I’m doing a bit better now, I’m just trying to keep my mind off of it all and I remind myself that no one actually cares how I feel or what I have to say and my friendships seemed to have come back full forced. I just have to act happy all the time and they’re fine, they don’t even question it. I have to try really hard to not think about stuff that upsets me, I can actually feel my chest start to fall when I’m thinking about it.
So basically I’ve learned to be fake, no one notices or cares, actually they prefer it.
But overall I haven’t thought too much about suicide since this post I’ve just been constantly hanging out with friends and smoking to get my mind off it, which is working for now.
I’ll keep in mind that you guys are here for me, thank you so much. <3
I just figured I would give an update.
I think a mask is what people want to see. They don’t want to see the rot and decay under the veneer because it makes them have to acknowledge it. It’s hard being fake around people but that seems to be what a lot of people prefer – and it’s hard to find the really good ones who actually care and are willing to look beyong the veil and actually deal with you instead of just your public portrayal.
Exactly, and I really hate that people are like that. I prefer to know the real in people, not the mask.
I think most people want that, but due to conditioning, are too afraid to show it. They won’t give what they’re asking to receive, because they are afraid they will be judged just as harshly as they have judged others.
“Give a man a mask, and he will reveal his truth; take that mask away, and he will conceal it.”