So I’ve been fighting with depression through high school and so on, due to relationship troubles (or the lack thereof). But after graduation and freshman year of college was where it nearly killed me. (Twice.)
Winter quarter, I met the love of my life. Everything about her was perfect, except for her abusive family. She would cry in my arms each night, telling me horror stories of her childhood and adulthood. Months passed, and we helped each other through the days. Around Valentine’s Day, she hadn’t spoken with me for three days, so being the idiot like I was, I thought nothing of it.
Until I got the call.
I had never received such crippling news in my life. I remember literally falling to the ground on my knees. Her funeral was the worst part. I delivered her eulogy in its entirety, through oceans of tears and falling to my knees. It was the worst day of my life.
I guess the shock stopped after a couple months. I had unbelievable depression, lost my faith, and used myself as a canvas every other week. I have some of the scars today. Fast forward a year and a half and here I am. A ghost of myself: hollow and empty. I feel like when she died, she took my heart with her. I rarely smile anymore, though I force myself to. My parents show me ZERO support, even criticizing me for letting this happen. To be fair, I’ve been contemplating it for about a year now, but never got up the confidence and courage to. I just don’t find life fun anymore. My favorite childhood activities mean literally nothing to me now. I feel like I’m burned out: like I’m already dead inside. I miss her so much, but I know there’s nothing I can do to bring her back.
Nowadays, I find women completely revolting and unbearable to be around and I still use myself as a canvas of my own design. I don’t believe in love or religion. I want nothing to do with this life if when I try to improve myself, I end up with this. Things just aren’t fun anymore.
My only regret is that I couldn’t stop her. I should have been there…..
The only thing keeping me alive is knowing that she wouldn’t want me to do this. But the pain is unbearable, even years later.
Is there something wrong with me?
What did I do wrong??
Someone please help me..
3 comments
You did nothing wrong. You loved her, and were there for her. In the end, I would put money down that she remembered your love and caring above anything else. But she has a lot of pain. Pain she didn’t know how to cope with. She chose what she felt was the best to stop that pain, but it was nothing you did. You are getting a double dose of grief, losing your love and survivors guilt. It can’t be easy for you, and no one can blame you for how you feel, but continue that love you had for her in love in your heart and never forget her. That way you can keep her memory alive and she will never be truly gone.
Thank you so much for the reply. Means a lot that I’m not alone. And you’re right. I do think about here, everyday. I wear a necklace she gave to me for my birthday. I wear it; everday, no matter what. I guess that’s what’s keeping me alive. Her memory.
Nope, you’re not alone, believe that. Let her memory serve to get you through this tough time, but honor that memory by making a good life for yourself.