20. Female.
Do you know the pain of living every single day with nothing to look forward to or any plans? Its my life on a daily basis. A life of an invisible person.
Every day I live my life in isolation when I know there isn’t anyone in this world that cares. In the past I thought that I had “friends”. Truth is, they were acquaintances, not real friends. You know the type of relationship where you give a lot but you get minimum in return? Ive had too many of these.
I have no family so I never grew up with a family experience. I only have my mother.
As a teenager I went through a lot of bullying. To the point I completely lost my self esteem and I stopped talking, I was completely invisible, nobody in my year talked to me/ignored me because there were rumours going round plus I was “boring“ since I lost my sense of speech. When I went to college were I began to think I had “friends” and I actually opened up again. But unfortunately they weren’t really genuine, especially now that I have left and ive been ignored by all of them leaving me alone again.
When Im in the house I get depressed. My mother has gone though a lot and always talks very negative and says things about how worried she is about me because I have no one here to support me if she happens to move on and how I have “problems,” anti-social, irresponsible etc. etc.
When I go out the feelings get worse. I realise im one of the few who walk out alone surrounded by groups of friends, couples, families etc ALL THE TIME. I know its total bitchy of me but I cant help but feel hurt inside. Everyone is happy, but I cant find some happiness for myself because im simply just not good enough. When Im out I sometimes get negative comments (usually because of my appearance).
Apart from my mother who is very emotionally hurt. Ive never had experience of having a father, siblings and other family. So I have to rely on other people to make relations with. Also its more complicated with my mum since she is strict muslim so when it comes to social stuff its hard for me to find people who have similar background to me, or events and people my mum would agree with.
Ive been alone for too long, I keep hurting when I think of people my age that have such good social lives, families, other halves etc. I want to end this pain. Ive been hurting and I want it to go away so…
Ive wanted to commit suicide, but exam results in august that determine if I will go to uni are holding me back. If I don’t get in, Im going to end it all. Im just thinking about the most easiest painless way to die. What are the options?
Sorry for my selfish vent
6 comments
Im sorry you feel so shitty . I hate to say it but i feel a lot of the same way. And your right its self esteem. And the longer it goes on the worse it is. Im so sorry and i wish there was a magical wand you could wave and make everything right but ya cant. Ya gotta do what will make you happy be selfish like that
I know the pain all too well. I haven’t had a real friend in a few years now. I also feel invisible. Sometimes i’ll even pass an acquaintance in public and i’ll say “hey!” and smile, while they stare off into space like they don’t know me. Ouch. Burn.
Why do people make negative comments about your appearance? That’s extremely rude of them.
It’s good to vent. You aren’t being selfish.
I feel the exact same way when I’m in a group of “friends” and when I’m alone. I can be around other people and drown out my feelings of loneliness (and feeling lonely when you’re surrounded by people is even more painful so indefinitely understand) with the noise of the outside world but once I get home and alone again I cry. I think more than find “people” you need just one person. If your looks are making you feel like you’re less than everyone else, spend some time on yourself and pluck them brows, and do those nails and give yourself a facial. Work out or take some weight loss supplements if that’s your problem. Cosmetic problems have simple cosmetic answers. What you need is a cure to your loneliness and all I can say is good luck. Men are pieces of shit where I am and I know there’s some where you are, but there is someone out there and they will care. They’ll be looking for you, they just don’t know what you look like yet. Go to university regardless. Whether the one you want accepts you or not, go to anyone that you can afford or will take you. Some people bloom later in life. I hope I’m one of those people too because my life is all fuckered up. But still, don’t lose hope. Lose your problems.
Bad thing is that in order to find people who are like you or share common interests you do have to go through a lot of crap for a long time. Most of the people you see around you when you go out are surrounded by acquaintances, so don’t think it’s only you. The difference is that most people comes to terms with the fact that they might gave billions of acquaintances yet only a couple of good friends (or even non at all) and that makes them more reliant to it and they keep trying. I’ve known (and in most cases been friends with) all kinds of people (extroverted, introverted, antisocials, narcisists, religious, non-religious, different races, different sexual orientation, you name it!), and at least in my experience they all go through the same process you mentioned.
As for the pain of having no plans or nothing to look forward to maybe you could consider trying to find something you like doing, or just try different random things/activities (even if you think you won’t like them). Maybe it will help or maybe not, but you lose nothing by trying 🙂
If/when people criticize my aesthetics, i either blow it off or counter-criticize their values/character/personality.
People look how they look. If you don’t like it, don’t look!
People who go out of their way to make others feel bad about things they can’t change, are not my type of people, and i tend to place little value on their invalid opinions (an opinion is only valid, IMO, if it is derived from appropriate assessment criteria… e.g. “don’t knock it ’til you try it,” or “walk a mile in those shoes, then get back to me.”).
And, i wouldn’t call it “bitchy.” It hurts to constantly have something you want, thrown in your face, while it’s not really available to you, and perhaps never was or will be. I tend to identify that trait in people as soon as possible, and then distance myself from them. No use torturing yourself by allowing exposure to that type of thing.
hey if you want someone to randomly e-mail or chat with…feel free to contact me at sander.jansen89@gmail.com or skype or something…
ive been through about the same…ive isolated myself most of the time…i do have a few “friends” that onely have time for me when thy need something of me…also i know how it is not to be loved…i still live at home but i see my parents about 15 minutes a day and havent had a relation for like years/forever