current mood: undefined

I just don’t even care anymore. The passion to pursue my old dreams are gone. I’m just defeated by this feeling of emptiness. Like I have no self worth or purpose to serve. By no means, do I have it the worst. I have a loving, supporting, fully functional family.I have nice tangible things and have never been sexually abused. None of this matters, though, and each day I wish that I wouldn’t have all of these things and that my fifteen years on this earth would end. I guess I’m frustrated at myself,I wish that there was more to this life of mine. There’s no one to blame but myself. All of this anger and frustration has built up inside, and I can’t figure out how to get rid of it all and start over. I’m scared to let my family know, and don’t have any friends close enough to tell or who would understand. I can’t bare to let this feeling defeat me on the outside as much as it already had on the inside. I refuse to let anyone close and allow myself to become attached, and at times I wish that was different. As much as I try to stay strong, it’s getting harder by the day. All I want is something to do, some sort of purpose to serve. Without a purpose, I’m just a grain of sand on a beach, and that gain can just as easily be taken away without affecting the beach.

As much as I tell myself this,I know it isn’t true. I can’t disappear without hurting my family, friends, and others. I just wish I didn’t have anything. The best thing that could happen would be to be deserted and left alone. If I’m alone, then no one could be hurt if/when I kill myself. This dream will never happen though, and I’m stuck here trying to find a way to cope with my self hate and frustration. It’s eating away at me slowly, trying to get me to take action wether I want to or not. I’ve tried so hard to ignore it and push on, but it’s been giving me more and more ideas in these recent years. I’m not sure how much motivation I have left to push past it.