Just like everyone else i guess i have a heartbreaking terrible life story that everyone should feel bad for me for. There’s always someone who will have it worse, who will have it better, who will be poorer, who will be richer, who will be worse off, who will be prettier, uglier, smarter, dumber, funnier, the list that goes on and on. were all different but one of the few things we all have in common are that we want to be heard, to be noticed, and to be loved. thats why most of us are on here. so here it goes:
as far as things COULDVE been for me, i have it pretty good. i could be mentally retarted, i could never walk, i could be dead right now. but i am alive. i have both parents which not as many people arent as fortunate as me to have. i have a home. i am aware and tankful for all that i have but thhat doesnt stop from “my tragic life story” from happening.
i have two older siblings, both adopted from Asia, then there came me, the “surprise”. i was (and currently) ALWAYS picked on andbullied in my own house. i got shoved a lot and screaming fights constantly broke out. then there came a time of uneasy calm and that is when my brother got the nerve to finally start sexually harassing me and touching me. i was only 11 at the time so i didnt understand anything then. it continued for about two years until he started doing it to my older sister as well. and that is when she told my parents and then all hell broke loose. they took him to counseling, they couldnt help. and my parents still dont trust us alone (my mom took the summer off work) and i dont even trust him alone, i lock the door everytime i got to the bathroom and i cant wear tank tops or short shorts around my house when he is home.
along with my brother, my sister and i got more into verbal arguments. she would always steal my things, everything from my toothbrush, to my mirror, to my underwear. whenever i would catch her with my things or spreading rumors about me to her friends, she would always call my a ***** and slam doors and threaten me with the nearest thing to her. so you can say sibling love much?
but after i quit gymnastics after12 years and got my “bad boy’ boyfriend did things start going down hill. i felt sad ALWAYS i retreated into my room. i felt that i wasnt good at anything expect gymnastic but i can never go back. im a failure at everything including school, relationships, and i am extremely socially awkward (ever since ive been little) but my boyriend got me into cutting and drugs, lots of drugs. he always talked about suicide and i never knew if i would wake up to find him dead in the morning. we smoked weed together. and he got me into cigarettes. we were in a pretty serious relationship so we were always sneaking arounnd doing sexual things because he was harcore addicted to porn, i wasnt into that but it was like my brother, so i went along with it. after 9 months we finally broke up right after a mission trip with my church because i was in a group of friends and we were all talking about weed and drugs and partying and we got in trouble. so YAY our parents got called and now im not allowed to be with my one and closest friend anymore becuase of her strict parents. we talked about everything and she was my literaly BEST friend, and now we can only see eachother at church once a week. now my ex has a new “friends with benefits” and shoves it in my face cosntantly and i blocked his number and im still sorry to say that i might still love him. but so ive been chilling it at home alone usually. trying not to die. trying to make old and new friends again.
everything is calemer currently that it is summer and i am trying to feel better but i feel that the depression is starting to set back in and when school starts again at my white kid preppy ass shit school on top of the hill, everything is gonna be back to “normal” and i mean deep depression. im going to counseling currently and i havent cut in over three months and im going to the psychatrist tomorrow morning for my antidepressants. but i hope it will be better. depression is the worst thing that can happen to a person. its not a battle you can win easily because its against your own mind and if you get fully over it, you are the strongest person i know.
now that i am hated by most of the adults in my church and my hair is purple and im considered “rebellious” i lost the support from my youth group and i consider suicide everyday. i shouldnt becuase i should just get over it right? now another boy just told me he likes me and he doesnt even know me. what do you think? he would totally still like me if i told him everything that has defined me, right? well this is my tragic life story. if you read it to this part i applaud you.
9 comments
Man, why do all the horror stories pour in at 2:30 A.M.? It makes me feel like I’m working the late night shift.
Oh yeah, just a casual piece of advice, YOU COULD PROBABLY DO WITHOUT THE ANTIDEPRESSANTS.
UUUUGGGGHHHH… I’M SO OUT OF ENERGY FOR THIS. DON’T FUCKING DO IT MAN, IT’S NOT WORTH IT.
GAAAAGGGGGHHHHH, YOU’RE GOING TO WALK IN THERE, AND TAKE YOUR BOTTLE OF DRUGS LIKE A “GOOD DOG” AREN’T YOU? NEXT TIME YOU’LL BE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MEDICATION.
..don’t do it, please.
… anything but that, seriously, fuck. …this shit kills me, every day… What if I could stop you?
“What if I could *have* stopped you?”
Btw, I do know you’re a girl, man.
im actually surprised that i got any comments at all. i dont know how this website works so i just went for it. so thank you for the comment. i really dont want antidepressants either, seriously… theyre expensive, takes a while to get the medication right, will make it worse sometimes, and its extremely hard to get off of. id rather not take it but i dont see a way out of it, sorry if i inconvienced you at all.
You do not have to be defined by your mistakes,or your familys mistakes.You are not obligated to remain the rebellious hellraiser in youth group.You have the power to transcend these things by doin something different.My daughter at 13 went through a very similar experience in youthgroup -identical in fact,down to the group of girls she had been friends with turning their backs ,instead of helping her to recover from the pain and embarrassment.Lousy friends.She reestablished herself there-minus the bitches,of course.She talked about it with her youth minister,and openly in discussions about sex,drugs,etc that are frequently addressed by youth ministry.She reached out to girls that she had previously ignored or marginalized,and she kept on living. It is ok to be open about the mess you are going through,from the choices made.If these kids are all assholes and clique-ish and ostracize you,then the group is a bunch of hypocrites and defeat the entire point and purpose of practicing Christianity.(forgiveness..redemption..salvation..this church is very questionable if they dont practice the basic principles of forgiveness and guidance to a better way of living)You have the option of changing the way you live your life at any time-AND you have the right to be better than you were before,morally.The thing about that is,some people are not willing to allow a friend who made mistakes,to BE better in their eyes.They are the kind of person who likes condemnation,becuse it makes them feel better about themselves-fuck those people:) your whole life,you may make mistakes,and LEARN from them what to do,and what not to do.Its ok! Some people just do as they are told according to what is accepted as right-they are not willing to risk the consequences of drugs,alcohol ,sex.. or interested in it. Then theres people who make choices that hurt themselves or others,and learn the hard way -sometimes over and over!I did this.Many people do this.Its painful,and upsetting,but it is survivable.It does not have to be what defines you. You are a girl with freewill,and at any time you may choose to stop doing something and start doing something else.If you like purple hair-wear it.You are more than the color of your hair-its just a detail of your physical self.you asked in the last paragraph-so I should just get over it ,right? Well,it stings and it may feel humiliating that these people have judged and found you guilty,but this will pass.It will pass if you dont keep feeding the fire by partying openly.I would reach out to someone new,there must be girls at youthgroup who are not in the clique that turned their back on you..try to b a friend to someone new,and to be the kind of person you want to be.Your depression and despair may simply be products of the events you have been through,and may improve with positive things in your life..I hope so,but also-you have been sexually abused by a family member from a young age and this can cause a lifetime of pain and suffering. I think counseling isvery,very important for victims of sexual abuse .You can talk openly in counseling about all of it. Meds….may help you,or may sicken or enslave you-its important to be very aware of how its making you feel and report it immediately to the Dr. if things get worse..Your bro -I dont blame your mom staying home to protect yall from him.He needs treatment asap.He needs to go to a doctor,and counseling,and maybe to leave your house,to be frank.Its an unsafe environment as long as he is there and not being treated.His problems are serious.He may be capable of violent sexual assault-who knows until hes been evaluated…your sister …well if shes been abusive your entire life,I would interact with her as little as possible.She seems to be an asshole:) Remember,though-like you ,she shas th right to be a better person,and to change.Remember this,and consider being the person who can accept and allow someone to be better than they had previously been…forgiveness is powerful,and can heal your pain and resentment-its freeing and relieving when youve lived in resentment for so long. I hope you get well.Keep talking about it-on here or in counseling,..wherever.Its poisonous to hold it in…So sorry to blather on so long-one more thought-a different church and youthgroup is probably not far away from you,and you could consider switching if the behavior of yours continues to be so low and unkind..what a pathetic and contradictory example of Christians.
thank you i seriously appreciate your comment. it means a lot to me that you would take the time to write such a long paragraph. although a new youth group wouldnt be possible. im working with my counslor with everything. ill take everything that you said to heart
Congrats on staying sober from cutting – I mean that. Even if you are staying the course from shear brute force it is progress that keeps you safer. Although I know it makes you have to face pain in other ways, sometimes is worse ways.
TWNS summed it up in their first sentence. We do not have to be defined by the bullshit that surrounds us. Or the mistakes/bad choices we have made. I sense you are pretty well in touch with why you do things you know have negative consequences and that is a hugely positive dynamic. After all the crap you have been put through, most people would just be stuck in the “Why-me pipeline” and remain clueless until they jump off a cliff somewhere.
Just please don’t jump into the arms of the first potential relationship you stumble across because you are really vulnerable right now and the last thing you need is to be in a situation where you are expending emotional energy trying to hold someone’s attention or “earn” their affection. It’s sort of like wild animals – the “wolves” can sniff out your vulnerability and are drawn to take advantage of it.
What you need are relationships with people that can truly love, respect and support you for who you are and what they can give not what they can take or get away with. And I feel you can sense the difference. I hope you can build on the strength you have and keep reaching out in healthy ways. Keep on doing that and you can grow away from the abuse and stand firm on your own.
“Don’t let the bastards get you down”…
thank you so much for everything you said. it really made a difference. ive thought about what you said before and i dont want a relationship right now. its exhausting and i need to get over this without someone else that i can possibly drag down with me… and with the difference with the relationship, yes i do understand that… ive gone through 9 months of someone trying to get things from me the whole time, i got a pretty good idea of the difference between the leeches and the caring people. thank you for all your advice
Hey. I actually took my time to read this.. & to be honest im shocked at what you’ve gone through. But lemme tell you something… Dont harm yourself. Your story has really touched me. I dont know if you believe in God but i do. I encourage you to pray.. God has something in store for you! Dont give up. Dont let anything get to you abymore! You’re worth more than gold even if you cant see it. There is power in Jesus name & i know that He WILL brake the chains that are tying you up! I will be praying for you in hopes that you get better. Your story is amazing & touching. Im going to be praying for you. Dont give up yet! I believe in you. Dont let anything get in your way. You’re strong!
that was really encouraging. i do believe in God and lately, ive been falling away from him and i thank you for your support and its really amazing to hear that a complete stranger could care that much.