Feeling like giving up on life

Well i dont know life has just been so off putting for me since a child i was treated like trash and forgotten by “friends” mostly or atleast id like to think because i was fat so i got in shape about 3-4 years ago but my life still felt pointless i couldnt seem to be happy after suffering so long i still felt alone i still felt hated and i hated myself for being to much of a coward to actually just get over with it and off with myself. And now my current situation begins this year i met a girl that well she made me feel like something wiped those horrible memories from my mind made me feel a happiness i hadnt felt since i was 5… but the catch is she cant date and after almost 9 months of being together her mother found out and is so devoted to keeping us apart even going as far as putting a restraining order on me if i ever get near her daughter again. So now I don’t know what to do all I can do is wait and wait a year 1 and half until we are both 18 . And I just don’t know if I can make it that long dark thoughts keep invading my mind just wanting to die so badly ;-;. She was literally all I have she understood how I felt we both helped eachother with our depressive thoughts….i have no way of talking to her either so our connections are all cut and I’m willing to wait for her but I’m scared she’ll just forget about me and leave like anyone I ever considered special to me at some point. Her mom told me to forget about her and just find someone who could date but its not that simple I don’t want any relationship I want her in my life the light in my neverending darkness my ray of sunshine
I’m just tired of this fucking life that keeps putting me down just when things started to look better for me…I thought I could finally be happy. But now I’m feeling even more tempted to end it all I just wish I wasn’t such a coward I just wish I could actually work up the courage to kill myself…I had never really self harmed my self before in my life but these events thet just made me give in. Maybe like self harming maybe this agony will give me courage to do kill myself someday. So I can stop living in fear of anymore pain so I can atleast be forgotten and not care…if only I had her in my life….;-; well comment if you’d like if anyone has had a similar situation or something cuz idk I just idk what to do I’m bursting in tears as I write ;n; I wanna die but I don’t cuz. I want to see the one I love so much someday but im just loosing my strength to life and I just need some help any cuz I don’t wanna die before knowing if she’s happy ;n: I just don’t know…..sorry for this longish post any comments are appreciated…. ;n;