I’m probably not your typical person on here. I am 27, good looking, smart, funny, outgoing, have a wonderful family who I know care deeply for me and who have and would continue to give the world to me. My parents are still together, I was never abused or neglected. I have 2 sisters who at the drop of a hat would stop whatever they were doing to be by my side. I have a good job. My co-workers turn to me for everything. I am an aspiring musician and have had songs on the radio. Yet I feel so empty. So lonely. I delt with depression when I was younger, got on meds and pushed through it. Or so I thought. I recently have lost the love of my life and her beautiful little girl who ment the world to me. I pushed her away without even realizing I was doing it. We were together for 6 years. All she wanted was for me to marry her and start our family together. I was too young and dumb to realize how lucky I was to have them in my life. She moved out 3 months ago and we have been on and off since then. We started going to counseling together to try and work though everything. She says she loves me and cares about me but continues to go back and forth. One week she wants me and wants to try, the next she wants nothing to do with me. I sit alone every night in a big house that we were going to start our family in. I cry myself to sleep every night. I recently started cutting again. Without them, even though I know I do, I feel like I have nothing left to live for. I cant get past this hole I feel inside that only she can fill. I have tried to talk to her. When she is in a good swing, its wonderful. When she is in her down swing, I feel like my heart has been tossed on the freeway and every few minutes, a car hits it again. No one ever calls me. My only friend, who is my best friend, is caught in the middle of all of this since his wife is her best friend also. He rarely calls me anymore. My family only seems to call me to plan dinner or some help at their house even though I know that they are there anytime I need them. I am on the brink of just letting go of everything. The only thing that has stopped me is seeing my dads face when he were to find out. I am his only son and I know it would absolutely devastate him. I know it would crush my mom also. I want to but I feel like I cant talk to them and have them understand. I know that this feeling is much deeper than just losing my girls but I could handle it when I had them to turn to. When I had them to lean on. Without them, its unbearable. I wish I could just let it all go without hurting my parents. Ive thought about getting into an “accidental” car crash but that is not a for sure way. I just dont want to deal with this pain anymore. Please help me figure this out.
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I understand how we can isolate ourselves when life seemingly falls apart. Is there any chance you can hang out at one of the sisters homes for a week or two? Heck, even the parents’, since you seem to love them too?
Sometimes, just being in the presence of daily routines we recognize can help — even if we absolutely want to crawl under a rock.
Can I ask why you cut? Is it to relieve pain, as I’ve seen others say here? Any way you can quit letting the girl break your heart repeatedly? I’m not sure I’m understanding: If you pushed her away and she wanted to be together and start a family, why aren’t you reuniting since now regret pushing her away? Has one of you changed. Your mind about coming together as a family?
I know: I ask a lot of friggin’ questions!
Sorry about punctuation….mobile device!
One more thing: You’re not completely atypical here, either. Mental health issues don’t discriminate. I can think of many here who would surprise you. Unfortunately, we have also lost many of the brightest of us. Off the top of my head I have corresponded with both a nationally known scientist and a man your age with *all* the advantages in life – from a nationally known family – who are no longer alive. We run the spectrum from young to old, depressed to deep mental illness….but we all fight similar battles against a common enemy.
While I respect the inherent right for people to choose life or death for themselves, I am also saddened by the thought of those we lose.
@dragonfly_whisper
Well my younger sister recently moved to Seattle to be with her fiancé so I cant just up and go there. My older sister has 7 kids at home. I also lived with her for a while in the past and I don’t want to put that burden on her again. My family loves me but they don’t deserve to have to deal with my burden. They keep telling me it will get better. I know that’s all they can say. They cant give me the answers. They tell me I am stronger than this. To not let one person have this much control over me. I just don’t think they understand that it is more than just this. That its something inside me that I have no control over and that this is just what is pushing me over the top.
I cut because yes, it takes away the pain inside for a few moments. The physical pain, the feeling of closing my eyes as I feel the cool blood run down my arm, the shiver I get when I feel my skin opening is like taking a huge breath and then letting it out right before your about to burst. For someone who doesn’t cut, its a hard thing to understand how causing yourself more pain can actually release the pain. The problem is, its just a temporary fix and after the rush is gone, you regret it because you skin ends up looking horrible but no matter how much you regret it, you cant seem to stop yourself from doing it again.
She says she has changed. Back in October, I asked her to leave for a few months. I was confused, I had reached that point where I needed to ask myself if this is what I really wanted for the rest of my life. I had met someone at my new job that gave me that fuzzy feeling again and I was confused about what it all ment. She moved in with her parents and after a couple weeks, I realized that I had that love with her and that she really was who I wanted to spend my life with so I asked her to come back. She did but it wasn’t the same. I had pushed her away and she had started moving forward without me and I guess I was just never able to catch back up and get back on the same level with her even though I had finally realized I wanted the same thing she had wanted for 5 years from me. She ended up cheating on me after she moved back but I forgave her for it. I know she was/is in a state of mind that she isn’t sure what she wanted and she was trying to figure out where to go and what to do. She moved out in April and I think it was just to late. She had changed to the point that she doesn’t think this is what she wants anymore. I would give anything to be able to start a family with her and start our lives together.
I hope that clarifies some things.
It does. I had already answered your other post before searching for this one, so I apologize if I came across as being like others by telling you there are ways to figure this out. That wasn’t my intention.
The cutting thing? I actually can relate a bit. I’ve never cut, but we all have release valves/ go-to addictions in our lives.
You did clarify a number of things, thanks. I can see where trust began to break down for both of you and how it may be hard for her to now leave the safety of her parents’ home (If that’s where she still is) for a relationship where you’ve both broken trust. Especially with a kid. What a mess, huh? Things have changed awful fast for you guys. You keep mentioning weeks and months for all these major relationship changes. Again: you have got to slow this down to evaluate it.
Gosh, I hope I am helping, not hurting, with all this talking. Feels like I am giving too much “advice,” which isn’t something I particularly believe in doing. I’m more into sharing what has worked for me and letting the other person choose for themselves what makes sense.