My life

I guess I realized I was different from the other kids around grade 4. I had big glasses, blonde hair, Scrawny, and a little bit on the short side. I grew up in a small town in a poor area in Vermont, pretty much in spitting distance of the Canadian border. My father is a city boy who grew up in Hartford Connecticut, My mother is a country girl from Brownington Vermont. Who I am is a direct result of their differences. My dialect is pure Vermonter, Until I get upset, Once that happens that Connecticut accent initiates full swing. Vermont is a strange place, Go to any parking lot and you will see a jacked up pickup next a riced out civic next to a BMW. 90 degrees in the summer, -30 in the winter. There is no middle around here, you are one way or the other, and then there is Me. The white kid blasting Vinnie Paz delivering pizzas in a 25 year old Crown Vic that still wears whitewalls. When I was in 5th grade I Befriended another classmate, We both had filthy mouths, and a knack for drawing cars on our notebooks in class, He would grow up to be an artist while I would become a mechanic in my free time. 6th grade another kid showed up, He had a rat tail and a relationship with this girl from another school. He would later grow up to go to UVM for engineering. A couple years passed and we became infamous for our sarcastic remarks and ironic detachment. And then the last piece to the puzzle stumbled in one day in 8th grade. Some ginger from the Newport school. First glance at us and he passed us off as losers. Little did he know that we were the only genuine people he would meet in that backass school. In about 2 weeks time he would become just another one of us. As for him, He would grow up to drop out of autobody repair school. (I know, a lot of mechanics around here). This was around the time I got my first ever girlfriend. Remember the rat tail kid’s girl? It was her, her name was Jessica and she was Beautiful. She would grow up to join the Navy someday. My friend never said anything, but I could tell it bothered him at first. Mark the start of highschool. The four of us were still best friends and holy shit we were stoners. But this was when my life started to change. I began to manufacture this personality for myself. Some people thought I was strange, others thought I was awesome, personally, I didn’t really care about you either way. I held onto the sarcasm and the ironic detachment like grim death. I was on top of the world and I made sure the school knew who i was, After all, I was following In my brothers footsteps and had a name to preserve. And then it happened. I was in a car accident, 85 MPH rollover. I should have died, But I walked away without even so much as a bruise. This should have opened my eyes, but it did the opposite. I became complacent, irritable, and I started to take things for granted. I started to push away those that were close and triggered a long line of fighting with Jessica. And then Jessi walked into my life from nowhere. She was shy, and a little awkward, but I loved her. We began spending time together and Jessica noticed, and was unhappy. Jessi was going through a pretty hard breakup at the time and was having trouble coping. I remember standing outside the lunchroom, Pushing her hair behind her ear and gazing into her eyes. She wanted me to kiss her, and I wanted to so bad, but I couldn’t do it, I was still with Jessica. Jessi and I because good friends and things went on as usual. That is until Jessica decided she was sick of my shit and dumped me in my sophomore year. I took at really hard and began to withdraw myself from reality. The next couple years were uneventful. Still best friends with my group, but that was about it. Besides Jessi I really didn’t have any other friends. Que senior year. There was something magical about that year. I came back bigger and better then ever. It was like a switch flipped, and all of a sudden people loved me again. I was funny, outgoing, and had just switched to contact lenses. And my car, my god my car. A souped up 79 Chevy Malibu. I could smoke my tires for a mile in that thing. And then, Jessi. I hadn’t really been involved with anybody after Jessica left me, But then Jessi showed up and made it clear she wanted us to pickup were we left off when we were freshmen. We were inseparable, the teachers didn’t even bother to try to keep us apart. We were polar opposites, And knew that were were terrible together, but we didn’t care. We fought like cats and dogs but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We became very well known around the school as very often we would anchor the schools 3rd block news and announcements. And me? Say goodbye to the scrawny blonde kid. My hair had darkened over the years, and I now held the school record for most consecutive pull ups. 79. And all the while I was still best friends with the 3 others, still stoners. I was a lifeguard at the local ski resort, My formerly rat tailed friend was a lead, and my ginger friend was there as well. School and work during the week, alcohol and sex on the weekends. I graduated feeling like life was my *****. Jessi and I moved into an apartment with my brother and his girlfriend. I put my Malibu away to be restored and bought my Crown Vic. Jessi and I were happy and couldn’t wait to live our lives together. But after months of not a single fight, I quit my job, and the fighting started up again. And once I was out of money Jessi decided it was enough, she packed a bag and dissapeared. She ignored me for a few days and came back for the rest of her stuff. I found out a few days later she was living with a coworker. I was devastated, I lost all motivation and felt like a sophomore again. I was trapped in my apartment day in and day out with little food during the harshest wither in 100 years. My apartment was falling apart, I rarely ever had hot water, and then to top it all off, it got infested with bedbugs from my dirty new neighbors. With kids screaming 24/7 and the terrible smell of burning crack, I made the decision to move back in with my parents. A few weeks later I started working for a local veneer manufacturer, I hated it. I felt like I had lost all control over my life. This was round the time I started paying more attention to world events. I began to learn about all the evil in the world, and how helpless I was to stop it. With my love gone, and my friends moved away, I realized I was truly alone in this world, and it’s a cold place. I know now that I needed to experience the pain of loosing her for me to be able to properly love another woman. But that realization has done nothing to end the depression that has swallowed me. Thoughts of suicide creep into my head daily now. My mind was once filled with beautiful thoughts and ideas, it has since turned dark. My outlook was once optimistic, it has since turned grim. And my heart was once filled with love, but has since turned to sadness. I know of a place where the road just sort of ends in a cliff. More and more each day I want to get behind the wheel of that big ass Vic, and launch it off. I just want to close my eyes, and lose myself in the crunching metal. I don’t know if I believe in god, I find it hard to believe an almighty god could let such an evil place exist. Unless he was a truly evil god. I don’t think I could ever put my family through the pain of watching me end my life, though. It just seems like such a selfish thing to do. I’m not the only person who has problems. I’m not the only person who lost a loved one. I’m not the only person who struggles with evil. I just don’t know what to do next. I guess I will light up another cigarette, and die slowly.