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I’m gunna be straight forward and say I’ve never attempted suicide. I’ve thought about it many times, but never tried. The main reason I haven’t is because I’m scared. Everything in my life has been determined through safety. I’m scared of almost everything. I scared to let people in, to talk to people, to do something wrong, to look stupid, or to let people down (just to name a few). My parents constantly fight and I go most days without having a real conversation with anyone. My friends and family all have this expectation of how they feel I should be. Which is smiling, happy, quiet, unopinionated, and a good listener. They come to me when they are having problems or are feeling depressed, but as soon as I try to tell someone how I feel they tell me that I’m not trying to be happy or that I’m not trying to improve my life. Whats even worse though is when they change the subject and just act like I didn’t even say anything at all. To feel like I’m utterly worthless.

When I was in high school, I always dreamed of getting out. To leave my small hometown and go see the world. What I didn’t realize was that it’s hard to make money and I needed to go to college. College has put me $15,000 in debt and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I got kicked out of my first university, for failing almost every class. I became more and more depressed as my freshmen year went on. I was so upset with myself that I went from one of the top 10 in my graduating high school class to being a complete failure in college. I stayed in my room all day and I’d refuse to eat. I did lots of stupid things to try and null the pain, but nothing was working and my best friend/roommate knew nothing about it.

To this day I still get really, really sad. Even to the point where I cut my sides multiple time to just feel something other than a complete failure. I also cut to punish myself because I can’t even imagine hurting those around me and when I get mad the only person left is myself. After I cut I get this feeling of euphoria.

I am 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I have never attracted anyone except creepy dudes. I was 18 went I had my first kiss, and because I’m awkward and no one in my family believes in showing affection or telling people how you feel, I ran away. Literally ran. No guy ever tells me I’m beautiful or even looks at me when I’m walking through a store or at a party. I just want someone to hold me, to tell me that I’m important to them and that they’ll never let me go. But seeing as this has never happened, I’ve given up on love. I truly believe that it’s a lie. I’m more in love with the idea of love, but I don’t believe that there is someone on this earth that is my “perfect match”. That I will find that “perfect guy” that will love me for all that I am because I constantly see couples who fight and/or trying to change or conform their partner. That’s not love if you ask me. Therefore, I’ve given it up.

Lately, things have been getting worse. Even to the point where I think more and more about what I’d do if I committed suicide. I cut more and I try other ways to numb the loneliness I feel. I would love someone to show me that there really is love and that I won’t end up alone or dying without knowing what it’s like to actually have someone who can’t imagine living without me. Because right now, I feel completely replaceable and unworthy of people’s time. I don’t know…