I want to cry, I keep going from feeling pain and hurt to feeling numb. I get really annoyed with certain people and I don’t know why, just them txting me will just annoy me. It sucks all of it the whole concept of life, of living. No matter how hard I try to care to want things for myself I can’t. I’m working and going to school and putting in all my time and efforts to being the best I can be, but at the end of the day I don’t care it doesn’t mean anything to me. My life is empty and I can try to fill it with all these things but they don’t mean anything to me so my life still remains empty. At this point i don’t even think the things that once meant something to me could make my life feel whole. Deep down I’m a good person, a loving and caring person, a self sacrificing person, but not anymore. It’s like that person died and small pieces of who they were still linger around. I love and care about people that I shouldn’t people that can’t be in my life. Just because I know that it’s wrong, that I shouldn’t, that it won’t ever work doesn’t mean that I can stop feeling that way. I think that’s what truly hurts to love people that you aren’t ever meant to be with or work well with. I let myself feel love I poured my heart and soul into it, believing that I could have the dream a caring family and a husband that I could start my own family with. I catch myself sometimes wishing that the ability for me to have kids will be taken away like everything else. That way even if I wanted it or believed I could have it, I wouldn’t be able to. I spend my days hoping that I won’t have to live so long that maybe just maybe the cancer can fully develop and take me away. I’m quitting my job in August because I am under paid and constantly being mistreated. I’m not sure if I will be able to find another job or how I will be paying my bills. But I am getting rid of something that is depressing me and I guess that is the bright side right? I’m stressed out with this summer chemistry class and worried if I can manage to pass this exam tomorrow I’ve studied quit a bit but I don’t feel like I even know anything. So I guess after I study another 5 hrs I’ll go home lay down and cry and maybe have a few drinks.
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Wow! Reading this, I feel as if it was me that wrote this. May sound cliche, but I know how you feel well at least I do. It’s as if two different worlds have come to a mix and everything just feels so wrong. Like something is lacking, or just destroying every possible feeling there is. It sucks, it really does & you wish that it could just all come to an end. To be honest, sometimes I think studying makes the situation worse (I study too). But you know what, studying and putting all the effort into it will produce great marks. Once you receive those great marks, then nothing can stop you and you will feel better about yourself. I believe you are a strong person, if you’ve come this far, you’re doing something right! Yes it ain’t easy, but shit its worth it in the end when you produce the right fruit. Don’t give up yet, keep your head up high & keep moving forward. Fake a smile if you have too. Know that everyone on here is up for a talk (: We’re all going through the same thing or we’ve been there.
Sorry bout the NOVEL haha goodluck on the exam too (: ACE THAT ISSSH!!
I’m sorry you’re so sad. Two things cuz I’ve been there. Exactly there. I actually pictured myself in your words. Back when I was in college. No bf. Studying. Working ft. No real friends. I had a cat. I would drink a lot. To help me fall asleep or so I said. It starts that way. Drinking is not the answer. Cuz it eventually becomes a habit. I’m not an alcoholic. But I did get a dui and going to jail sucks. And never wuit a job unless you have another one lined up or someone supporting you. And getting married isn’t a cure all. And don’t have kids unless you’re healthy mentally. I mean it. Don’t be cruel and put them through anything you wouldn’t want to go thru yourself.
The drinks might help you relax a bit so maybe it’s a good idea. Other than that i must say i relate completely to what you wrote. Changing from numb, to pain, to hurt, crying and then being numb again in a never ending cycle is something i don’t desire to anyone, yet some of us experience it on an almost daily basis. That alone is enough to take all the drive and enjoyment you might have found in life at some point, and it makes you lose track of who you are. In that sense at least you remember who you used to be and can still function in part (studying + working), don’t let go of that, because it’s a long way back (i’m at that point). Do not wish for things you really don’t want tho… life has a tendency to fulfill those and leave you wondering why you had to wish it in the first place.
I can only wish you luck and hope you can be strong enough to fully become yourself again. Maybe then you’ll be able to fulfill those dreams you still have with someone who really is there for you.