So, my mother posted an image on my facebook wall that went along the lines of, “We need to teach our daughters the difference between a man that controls you, and a man that looks out for her best interests, etc. etc.” It went on for several lines of teaching daughters the difference between this and that. Aside from the multitude of social issues the image presents, my response to the image was, “How about I just focus on my career and not put my self-worth into another human being. How about I measure my life and worth in accomplishments? Problem solved.”
She retorted with how much I hurt her and that I need to stop being so negative. I’m apparently such a controlling and abusive daughter by saying that and that I need to go to counseling. Now, if my statement was, in fact, what she says, please feel free to point it out. I don’t think it was but I’m willing to accept that I could be wrong. As I sat there rereading the image and rereading the argument, I realized. All of the things that are fucked up with me, both mentally and physically, …all of those issues originate from her. All the times I’ve ever considered killing myself as a child, were from, predominantly her, and my father. And as i’m having this revelation, I delete the photo from my timeline because I found it inappropriate and hurtful. I identify as demi-sexual so the odds of me actually finding someone to settle down with are slim to none, anyway. Problem solved again. My mother messaged me with the same argument of how I was hurting her by taking the image down when she was just trying to teach me a lesson and blah blah blah. My repeated response, at least mentally, is, “What in the actual fuck?” Excuse my language. Where I once felt sympathy for all of the shit my father put her through, turned to anger at all of the manipulation she put on my father to make him act like an asshole. I was just too young to understand and see it.
Not that it really matters or will solve anything, I’m sitting here crying and grieving over a childhood lost…and I wonder what my hopes and dreams would have been if I hadn’t been manipulated into what I am now. I wonder who I would have been if I had different, not mentally unstable parents. I often described myself as being a shell without a driver. I’ve always felt like my soul had died and was ready to move on since toddler years but my body just never received the message. I’ve always just felt..dead and now it feels like it more, now, than ever. I’ve never wanted children and that feeling is so much stronger now than it ever was. Because, though I can understand, see and reflect how my mother manipulated me and keep myself from making those mistakes, I never want to treat a child like my mother treated me. Parents always damage their kids to some extent, but my mother murdered me and got away with keeping the body.
12 comments
Oh gosh, this was an outstanding read.
Like you, I was robbed of my childhood as well, with a non-existent home life and tumultuous teenage years. I think I was around 7 when I started making plans on where I wanted to be in life and concurrently realising that I couldn’t depend on anyone else to get me there. 13 years later and I’m happy with what I’ve achieved and where I am now (well, sort of okay with that last part).
I made a promise to my mother that I would end her if she ever tried to re-enter my life. I don’t need her anymore, not since she did a shit job raising me and my sister and letting child services remove us from her care. I will acknowledge that I love your stance on this matter – you definitely have your priorities in check. You don’t need a man, and I don’t need a woman. But a friendly face is always a welcome sight I s’pose.
I beg to differ with the last part however. I’ve always wanted a child, to the point of considering adoption. There’s a story behind that, but that’s for another time. All in all, thanks for sharing this. You know what the score is and I’m guessing you have an effective strategy to see out the rest of this game. Best of luck with that. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear you had a similar experience. Though, I would think that even with all of the issues with being removed from a home, it would be better than the abusive nature coming from biological parents. That is just how I imagine it and maybe i’m romanticizing it a bit.
I’ve never threatened to “end” my mother though maybe I should. I fall apart every time after interacting with her. Even now, she continues to try to control me, being 200+ miles away. She has this idea of me settling down with a man, owning a home with a white picket fence, and having 2.5 children. It’s her dream she never had, not mine. While a friendly face is always nice, marriage never seemed ideal to me. My most coveted values includes freedom and independence and marriage always seem to take those away. I figure, those are the two things no one could ever take from me.
I’ve never felt a motherly connection to anyone or anything so I suppose that is another factor in children. No child deserves to have me as a mother. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.
“My most coveted values includes freedom and independence… I figure, those are the two things no one could ever take from me”.
That’s awesome and I think anyone would resonate with that. It’s never good being completely tied down and having to invest in two people simultaneously. Although that’s touted as a staple of being in a relationship, it does get exhausting and I s’pose if you can live yourself, you should be fine going for’d regardless.
Okay, I acknowledge that last part and won’t delve into it any further. I do like to think that we, as people who have survived relatively harsh times, would have a lot to teach and instil upon a new generation.
Blah. Now I’m ranting. My apologies.
I don’t mind your ranting. You are a pretty cool cat to talk to. I always appreciate your responses. 🙂 I also appreciate the fact that you’re not trying to change my mind on marriage and children. Anymore it seems like, “If you have a functioning womb, you should use it but don’t get pregnant outside of marriage because that’s wrong.” Any dissenting ideas are bonkers. I really do appreciate that. Thank you.
I would only consider marriage if I found someone with whom I could be myself, wholly, and they could be themselves, wholly, but come together and mesh well. Unfortunately, at least in this society, it seems that most people want to find someone to complete themselves. I’m not looking for that. Ideally, I would want someone to spend my life with, enjoying being together and creating experiences…I don’t need someone to complete me…merely support me and to have a journey with.
I can only add to this saying something that you already know, your statement in no way was out of line or ofensive towards her.
I can see her feeling rejected or attacked by you just because you didn’t agree with her or “validated” her, and that’s only her own insecurities as a mother playing tricks. You know her better to know if my guess is right in some degree, but my mom tends to do the same, blame me because i’m negative and say i hurt her when i don’t agree with her. In the end it’s just a way of coping with all the mistakes they know they’ve made along the years, but will they ever admit it? not likely.
Other than that, i don’t think your argument is far off, you don’t need anyone to “give you” value or define you, and that’s how it should be (even if at times it’s hard to do for some of us). Someone told me once “people are going to share your life with you, but they are not your life” and i kinda agree with that.
I don’t think you being demisexual should get in the way of finding someone in the long run tho. The definition (looked it up) just made sense to me. It’s way better to get to know a person better and form a real bond before getting involved than just going on attraction alone (the times i’ve chosen to ignore that life has proven me that it’s for the worse) so it might even be seen as an advantage.
@Shephard: The ending your mother threat thing might sound extreme to some, but i understand it completely. Honestly, after reading your comment, i’m wondering why i never did that years ago. So many bad situations (for me) could have been avoided if she wasn’t part of my life that it’s not even funny.
Acknowledged.
At the time, it was the only way I knew I could escape her and my life up until then. In a way, I killed her right then and there – the little bundle of joy she kept tucked in her puffer jacket as a baby, turned would-be murderer.
I needed to say that. I needed to let my feelings be known so I could become a man in my own right. As hardline as it was, I don’t regret it at all. I think I might have to attempt reconciliation with her in time, but we’ll see how that pans out.
I teeter between what some would say as demi and what some would say as asexual. Someone has to be really freakin’ special in order for me to get involved but I can see what you’re saying.
My mother has always been controlling from afar. She gives you the illusion that you have control over your life but as soon as you go too far from her, she plays some type of con.
Thank you for your response. I really do appreciate it when people respond to my rantings. It helps me work through issues. Thank you.
Who am I to question your very well thought out stance on the matter? If it’s one thing I appreciate more than a woman who knows what she wants, it’s a woman who does exactly what she needs to do. That probably sounds rich coming from a guy such as myself, but it’s true. Hehe. You’re pretty cool to talk with as well 🙂
That second part…my gosh, you sound like me! I’ve always been the adventurous type (not in that way, although I guess I used to, hah) and I think that’s something that will prove to be a major selling point with any future relationships I dare embark upon. It’s truly a rare thing to step down from Defcon 1 and be yourself around anyone these days thanks to society’s expectations and mass media fostering a sense that you have a duty to this world to blah blah etc.
I think I’d love that; to be able to be my melancholic, often incomprehensible self around a potential love interest. But my past dictates that’d be a bad idea. “I don’t need someone to complete me…merely support me and to have a journey with”. – Words to live by. The act of embarking upon any endeavour is in itself a way of achieving completeness. But I suspect most of the word didn’t get that memo.
Ay carumba.
I agree with you. I’m the youngest of three children. I was never close with my brother or sister and when I wanted my mother she would push me towards my dad because she said I gave her a headache when I fought with my siblings.even when I was with my father he never paid attention to me and I always wondered even as a child why it always felt like my mom hated me. I felt like a disgrace even more when she told me that she wanted to have an abortion when she was pregnant from me and my grandmother convinced her to keep me. My sister always rubbed it in my face. I know this may seem off topic and I’m not trying to rant either but I know how you feel but my situation is opposite. When I’m in front of my mother she tells people how smart and talented I am. But behind my back she rants about me not having a job and how I’m ungrateful and all I do is play video games. I was a child who needed her mother, and when I needed her most she would shut me down and use me when she needed someone to cry to. And it hurts that I feel like I’m not even human. I don’t smile. I don’t really find things funny anymore. I laugh at other people’s pain more then I would at a stand up or even a comedy movie out in theaters. I feel like a doll. The lights are always on but I’m not even there. You defended yourself and I envy your courage to stand up for yourself even if you felt it was wrong. I don’t have courage to even talk back.
Defending yourself comes with consequences, so if you ever decide to take that leap of faith, be prepared. For example, I just learned that my mother messaged my best friend and told her not to believe anything I say because I’m lying and mad that she called me out for being abusive.
Not to belittle your post, I applaud you for surviving that. I lived through that as a child, as well, and with everything my mother had decided to pull tonight, I pulled a knife and was ready to go. If I hadn’t gotten a call from my best friend, I can assure you, I would not be here to type this post.
I wonder how many of us here share the common ground of being raised by a manipulative mother…
I would be more surprised if there were a lessor number than those who did.