My name is Randall Edwards and I am here because when I was 17 I google searched the words “I want to disappear” and found this site. I am now nineteen and I am suicidal because I am alone. I am away from my friends so much now that a part of me feels like I’m meeting them again for the first time when I see them. Tomorrow I’ll be seeing my best friend tomorrow for the first time in roughly a month and part of me doesn’t even want to see her due to how long it’s been that I’m actually shy. I’ve been working at a steel mill this past 3 weeks. 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. So I am working or sleeping far too often to see anyone. I act like it’s all going to end but it won’t. Not until I go back to college, and after that? Work again. These things don’t get better, friends are leaving and it seem inevitable. No one wants to make time for me when I DO have the time. I get one day off a week (SOMETIMES) and people will still say “Sorry, I’m busy today.” I never get to see anyone and I’m not even worth it to them. So here’s the thing, if I’m all alone, and people are vanishing from my life, why stay? No one’s going to get hurt if I leave. Maybe my family, and here’s the other thing, it’s selfish, yes, but if I’m gone, why would I care what happens to anyone else afterwards? i won’t be able to see it or do anything about it. Why’s it matter?
13 comments
It all depends on you and if you believe inside yourself to see this through the end. To meet new people and perhaps someone who will be your friend for a long time. Even if you were gone people will care and miss you even if you don’t think so.
I’m aware there’s going to be people who’ll miss me. But hey, I miss people now and they don’t care. And when they are missing me, I won’t be around to see it all.
I know how you feel but if they don’t care then you should move on what’s the point of caring for them if they don’t care or perhaps they do care just you don’t know.
HEY THAT’S HOW I FOUND IT! I Googled the exact same thing! Twinzies!
*HIGH FIVE*
*High fives you back* Fucking awesome, I searched it due to the Marilyn Manson song though haha
And I know they care, but they just don’t care to show it a lot of the time. But this is so much more than that. it’s about how everything comes to an end. I work, I die. I’m living a life that was set in stone for me by millions of people who did the same thing. my life was predetermined years ago and there’s no reason to suspect I’m anything special.
Hmm nihilist, totally get where you’re coming from about slaving away pointlessly only to die at the end of it all.
You would be turning your back on your own humanity by dying ‘because you’ll be dead so won’t see your grieving loved ones’ though. How can you be so sure, and in any case you know perfectly well they’d be hurt. Hey, sounds like I’m scolding or lecturing you, didn’t mean to do that…personally I’m scared that I’ll be tortured in the afterlife by seeing my elderly mother’s anguished face, that, more than anything, gives me pause.
I know what you mean and how you feel in a way… I love spending time together with people I love and talking with them, sharing things about life and all, it’s how I feel loved (apparently it’s one of the 5 love languages) My best friend… we’ve been friends for about 3 1/2yrs and in those what, over 1000 days, I’ve seen her about 30 times and we hardly talk about anything–or rather, I talk, but she didn’t talk much at all about anything for the last 3yrs… I feel like I want to hate her most of the time because it hurts so deeply feeling so unloved that she will not MAKE the time to see me when I know for a fact she’s doing things for other people and telling me she doesn’t have the time, doesn’t feel good, etc… because in my mind, you will always make times for what you want to do, for people you want to see… but I guess that’s because the way I feel loved is by spending time with people… Because only 1 person I know also feels the same about quality time… the rest feel loved in other ways… and I try my best to always make them feel loved, they say they feel loved. But I never feel loved. I feel like I go through life, I’m 30yrs now just 10 days ago, and all I do is work and … feel empty inside when everyone else seems to be happy. I always felt shy with my bestie after the long periods of time apart (pff, like 3 blocks away and I never got to hang out, wtf?).
Anyhow…It sounds like you feel how I do and it hurts like hell and I’ve cried so many times that now…mostly I feel nothing, sometimes I do… it’s gotten a tiny bit better because I talked to my best friend and told her how empty I feel… I asked her “what if I never shared the random happenings of the day and what I was doing, would we even be friends? wouldn’t you miss me?”, there was silence on the other end of the phone, I knew for the first time she started to understand when I said that I missed her, even when I was with her… she’s been a little better about at least texting, kinda calling a few times over the last month.. and it’s pathetic, she says she’ll try more, and now we live 1200 miles apart.
Lol, anyhow, sorry about the long rant there… I feel your pain, I wanted to cry when I read your post. You’re not alone…. 🙂
Hey Nihilist,
As a self-professed nihilist myself, I can relate to much of what you’re feeling. The thing of it is that if you do go to college and get a degree, you will (hopefully) be able to get some kind of employment that pays better than the your current job and affords you more time to spend with the people that are important to you.
So, while it’s true that once you get out of school, it’ll just mean more work, at least you will have the opportunity for more enjoyable work that offers more flexible hours. So there’s that.
Also, given your stage in life, it’s normal to have longtime, possibly lifelong, friends part ways. It sucks, there’s no denying that. But if you go to college, you might make some friends that are even better than your old ones. At the very least, you have a good chance of meeting some people who are just as good as the ones you seem to be losing. And the friends you make in college could last your whole life. One is much more likely to form those kind of bonds in college than at any other time in life; or so I’ve been told. It sounds like you’re feeling lonely, so that possibly right there is something you might be able to realistically look forward to.
Is there anything you want to do in life? Either professionally or personally? Are there any long-term dreams or goals you haven’t yet accomplished? If there are, those things are yet more reasons to stick around.
You’ve made it this far, and aside from the sense of loss and isolation, seem to be doing okay (as far as I can tell). Why not stay the course and see what college is like before opting for the quick exit?
I failed out of college.
Doh! I only even mentioned college, because you did, so I thought that was something you were working towards. That sucks, man.
You could try again, maybe start out with community college before moving on to a university? There is also trade school.
The best advice I ever heard regarding one’s decision (or lack thereof) to engage in higher education – or, really, any form of advanced training – is to consider what you want to do. I don’t mean in terms of what you want to do for a living, I mean in terms of specific concrete things you want to learn or accomplish, or specific skills you want to acquire.
For example, if you didn’t know how to cook, you could take some basic cooking classes and proceed from there. Maybe if you approach advanced training (whether it be college or something else) the same way, you might find something(s) that sticks?
I’m sure I’m not helping at all, and you’ve probably considered all of the above already.
I can offer nothing other than my sympathy and (to a lesser extent) my empathy.
R
You are still young, Nihilist. You are very depressed, I can tell. I was even way worse than you in my high school years. About the college, I didn’t have the money to attend so I went to work instead… Anyway, after many years I’ve started becoming insecure again–and very scared & depressed–and that is why I’m visiting this page today. Don’t you think you are way too young to die? I mean, you could always kill yourself in later years. 😉 If you need friends, you could get friends. Today, times have changed, and one can make pretty good friends, even online–from pen buddies to real friendships. You seem like a very caring person, and you can be worth it to someone else.
I have thoughts in disappearing in this world..I actually wanted to disappear soon however I dont want to become selfish..I know that my family needs me and I still need to work to earn money so I can send my siblings to college ..Most of the time I wish to disappear..I dont want to stay in this world anymore..I feel lost and empty..I dont want to die..I just want to disappear..to erase my existence in this world.