Dead for a while now.

I’ve been dead for a while now. I have removed myself from friends and family, acquaintances, reality. I have sat in one room for 2 days now. No one has missed me or checked on me either. Not moving except to go to the bathroom. Well, longer than that if you want to be technical. For about a year and a half, I have gone through the motions of living. I have a steady job and income. But I realize that I’ve been dead for a long time. At least dead to who I used to be and maybe I never really was anyone to begin with.

I guess my body exists. I breathe. I wake up. But every moment is torture. I try to use distractions to get through. I put on a “happy face” or at least an indifferent face so that no one asks questions. It’s pretty easy since no one cares anyway.

I cry every night and day. I put on the face and don’t tell anyone the hell I live in. I sleep with roaches crawling on my face in a room full of trash and think nothing of it because I fit in there really well.

It’s funny because I desire to have more than this – but yet at the same time, I know that none of it matters. I am constantly beaten with no motivation. It’s overwhelming and any attempt I try to do anything fails within minutes.

If I don’t move, never venture out, never am in contact with anyone, isolate myself then that is my way of not existing to the world anymore. I haven’t bathed in a week. I ate a little food a couple of days ago. Starvation seems to be a great way to make it easier to not exist because I don’t have the energy to move around.

If you are only staying alive just to merely exist, is there really a point? Why bother trying to put on a face and go about life if it’s some fake reason of keeping your body here. I feel pathetic. I tried to talk to a couple of friends and they got angry at how I felt. Told me I was “listening to the wrong voices” and that “everything would be okay”. I have no other voices.

And, it’s foolish of me to think that anyone would actually reach out and just listen to me. I don’t really want anyone to listen to me but yet I do. If I saw myself and I was my friend, I would be worried that I have disappeared. But not one person has even noticed. Guess my quest to truly be alone has finally been accomplished – at least in my circle of family and friends. And, now they can live not having to deal with me anymore.

I suppose that it is selfish to feel how I feel and want to just not “be” anymore. Doesn’t change that I feel it. It would seem that everyone really is telling me to ignore myself. Just like they do.