everyday

Everyday i wake up and think why am i still here? I don’t want this life. I don’t even know why i feel this way. I just don’t wanna continue on anymore. People say life is too short, but i think its too long. I’ve tried many times to kill myself self harm, drugs, overdosing on alcohol, attempted to jump out of my bedroom window, but nothing has killed me, i think im too scared to kill myself. Everytime i try i think about how much trouble im going to be causing everyone around me the devastation ill leave behind. I like my parents enough to spare then that. I dont want to complicate their lives more than i already do. I don’t know why Im like this, i think this to myself everyday. My sister is like the Golden child, shes the perfect child…..then theres me, the screw up. I know people in this world have far more troubles than i do , theres no doubt about that. im not complaining about my life, i just rather not be here. i never asked to be born and im pissed that God decided to put me here. Im angry and sad all the time. I smile and act like nothings wrong but i know deep down ive got some unresolved issues. Frankly, i dont know what to do about them, i might have depression im not yet sure. And i dont want to see a doctor, i dont want my parents to look at me like a freak. My dad also suffers from depression, i haven’t seen that side of him for a couple of years now that hes on some medications, may be  depression is genetic and thats why i feel so shitty all the time. I randomly stumbled upon this site and decided to use this as my diary, since my mom has found my personal diary more than once before.