Feel As If I Can’t Do This Anymore

I am so very lonely..and tired. I lost the love of my life seven years ago….we had been married for nine years. He died suddenly of a heart attack and I was the one who found him dead. I can’t explain how much I loved this man and how him dying at 39 yrs old almost killed me too. I had been disabled a few years before he died, I have spinal and brain tumors, and the surgeries not only disabled me, but caused me so much pain in the aftermath, that I lost my job as a trauma nurse because I could no longer do twelve hour shifts.
What made it so hard was the crippling depression after all of this. After about eight months after losing my love, I was out with friends at dinner. Afterwards, I was walking to my car when two young men grabbed me, pulled me behind the restaurant, and both raped me. I really felt like I couldn’t go on. They were finally convicted of eight rapes of different women…but their fathers were rich and somehow used enough money to bribe parole boards, judges and such, that they were released after two years in prison. They immediately started harassing and terrifying me, but were finally caught, their father was disbarred, and they were to serve twenty years without possibility of parole. During this time, I lost my father to a hospital error that was covered up by the hospital so that my mother couldn’t sue. It has all been so devastating, and my depression has gotten worse and worse. On top of all that, the rape caused my anxiety to be so high that I started not leaving the house unless I absolutely had to…and this caused me to be even more alone. I am so very tired of being scared, lonely, in so much physical as well as mental pain…that I tried twice to kill myself. I failed both times…once because a friend called and I was just screwed up enough on all the pills I took, that I answered the phone…and she immediately could tell something was wrong. She was on duty that night on the ambulance and came over immediately and took me to hospital…where after the pills were out of my system they committed me involuntarily for five days. So I even fail at suicide. Now my boys have both moved out and if it weren’t for my two dogs I would already have been gone. But the pain is unrelenting and I’m on so much pain medicine that I can’t seem to function for much, and secondly…I have no friends anymore and my family doesn’t give a shit about me unless they need something. And now that I’ve finally spent all the insurance money on them…they pretty much could give a shit whether I’m alive or dead…so I’m thinking dead would be better. And when I think of how to do it so that someone doesn’t have to clean up after me…I’m gone…left this world for forefoot a better place…back to my sweet sweet man who loved me so very much and who I loved with all my heart. All I want is to be with him again. Sorry I ranted…i haven’t had anyone to talk to in a very long time. C.