I hate living by the hospital. My apartment just happens to be in between two firehouses, as well. At the bottom of the hill sits the police station. I hate this location.
I thought I would enjoy it, being walking distance to work and the train line. I figured I’d be safer in this part of the community, so close to all emergency services. I assumed it would give me peace of mind. It’s an inevitable contradiction in my soul.
I hear sirens daily, hourly at times, for minutes on end. Where are they going? My roommates and coworkers go about their day, it’s unknown if they even acknowledged the sound or if it’s in the back of their mind by now. I hear it again. Engine two, racing down the avenue. I hope they’re safe. I hope no one is dying. I hope no one is being me.
When you hear sirens, do you wonder if they’re heading to a suicide call? That’s always my first thought. My brother used to be a volunteer firefighter and EMT. He was the one who saved me, took me to the hospital last year. He said that he had been on too many calls and knew better, knew that I was trying to let go, and he wasn’t willing to go on the call that brought him to his little sister too late. He refused to allow one of his friends and colleagues find me. Without him working at the firehouse, no one else would’ve known what to look for. No one would have seen.
Every siren I hear, is it going to someone like me? Can I save them before there is a call? Will you hold on for my brother? I don’t want him to find you, either. Not like that. Not this way. I want to find you one day, and I can’t if you go. I want to let you know you will smile again, even if you don’t ever believe it. Don’t go. Just don’t let go.
The sirens are still passing by, flying by. Please don’t let it be you. I beg the Heavens it’s just a house fire, or a car wreck, or any other accident of any kind. That sounds pretty messed up, and it is. But, what’s more messed up is having to beg that whatever trouble there is, that it’s not a suicide or attempt. I shouldn’t have to beg for that. That’s no accident, it’s a call for help that never was called.
I’m sorry I never called the firehouse or the police station on myself. I could’ve gotten some help. Instead, I waited until someone else found me. I’m just glad he didn’t have to find me too late.
Please don’t let me find you too late.
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4 comments
You are certainly a very caring person. It is truly a shame that more people in my life and around me are not the same. You also have a very good brother. My hat goes off to the both of you.
It is certainly hard to believe in that smile that you can’t see…daily I want to let go. I hold on and have held on. I to was in a hospital. At the beginning of this year. I put myself there. For just over 2 weeks. It helped me past the moment of right then and there…..but the struggle and the build continues. It was like a haven while there. A controlled situation where nothing mattered. All along though, I knew nothing was changing outside and dreading the day I would have to leave. Afraid even. So I spent most my time there trying to prepare myself just for the day I left so I did not end up dead or right back in there. That was almost five months ago. Obviously not dead and have not ended up back in the hospital, though i haven’t seen or felt the smiles return yet either. And daily I still walk the line in my mind. I struggle to hold on. I struggle to keep going. But I have nothing left to hold onto. I have no reason to struggle. And that just makes day to day even harder. So now I am scrambling for a reason or a purpose. Something substantial to grab onto. And though I am inspired through hopes and dreams and others to continue to frantically grab out….it’s just like grabbing at the mist. I use to never cry. Now I always cry. And sometimes I don’t even know specifically why. It’s not my heart that was broke as much as my will had been broke I guess. I don’t really know. But when I think of it, that is the best I can come to describe it. This all isn’t very positive, I am sorry for polluting your post. Thank you for sharing your joy in the last post and now your love in this one. It is inspiring.
Please, do not apologize for what you feel or for sharing with others. As awful as it sounds, I am relieved to hear of your struggle and pain. It lets me know I’m not crazy and someone else can understand me. I, too, cry for unknown reasons at times, and that bugs me the most because I should have a reason to, but I simply don’t. I guess our reason to cry could be that we cry for no reason and it’s frustrating. That will at least justify it for us from here on out.
Whatever you do, just do not let go. I will be here always fighting with you to not end up back in the hospital either. And now each day, I’ll be fighting for you. Just so you will have someone in the battle with you, but now you gotta fight back for me as well.
Your words and kindness mean so much to me. It inspires me and encourages me to keep it up so that I can hear more from amazing, sweet people like yourself. Thank you. If you need anything ever, just post to me! <3
You are certainly not crazy lol. And no, we are not alone in our pain. Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s nice to have someone fighting with and for you. And I will certainly do the same for you. Im here if you ever need to talk vent or whatever. Shoot it to me in email if you rather.
Thank you lots. You’re a wonderful soul who I am happy to know is still here fighting at my side too. <3