By the end of my junior year and beginning of my senior year of high school so many things were going through my head. Also at that time my high school ex had broken up with me. So much confusion because she was my first love, we cared about each other tremendously, and she was all i could think about. But when she told me that she didnt want to be together any more it shattered me a bit. I played it cool for a few months, but just seeing her hurt even more. A year has passed and she graduated already. I remember visiting her at her house since she lived on the same street. We always were happy to see each other. So we took our usual walks and we started talking. So i had to ask what was the reason be broke up and her answer shattered my heart even more. She told me “i was falling in love with you”. After hearing that sentence i was confused.
Months and months went by and we still hung out but i was still confused because of what she told me. In between those months i spent weekends alone just gaming and drinking while i was also thinking. As well i did cut myself into my legs and arms at times. That was only for a short time though.
So i kept gaming and thinking and even a few times i curled up into a ball crying, and telling my self “where is everyone? Why doesnt anyone care about me? Will anyone help me?”. Ive always felt that way after the first time i curled up on the floor.
So another year went by and it was early 2011 before i started college that i was alone at home still felt confused and it got to the breaking point where i cleared up my garage floor by sweeping, taking my time, i set up a chair in the middle and after got my dads rope in the garage. I hung it and then tied a not. Then after i finished i took a deep breath, took the rope around my neck and stood at the edge of the chair. I remember slowly walking off the edge and waking up on the floor. I was breathing heavily and then started to cry after i saw my suicide attempt and curled into a ball thinking about it. And was crying while telling myself “why didnt she love me, where are my friends to stop me or talk to me”. That point i realized i climbed out of this abyss alone.
After i cleaned up from my attempt i saw that the rope had loosened and was still thinking maybe i should try again. But i said no.
Years went by and i still think of her but not just her now. I think about life and ever since that day ive been wanting to finish it. Just having thoughts of suicide go through my head. At the same time though my own thoughts of suicide help me keep moving on.
Other factors went into play about my depression and what else has helped me but that shall be another story soon