I had my daughter when I was 21, and her dad left when she was three. From then on, it was just her and me. Over the years, as she got older, she and I became best friends, and I sort of just let my other relationships die. It was easier. I’m awkward, and relationships aren’t easy for me. With her, it was. I feel like I kind of grew up with her…well, as much as I’ve grown up. We had a lot of fun. She was this bright light in my otherwise very dark life.
Last summer, I met this guy. He was younger than me. I was 40. He was 27. My daughter was 18. We would go driving around late at night, and I always asked my daughter if she wanted to come…you know, to be nice. We didn’t have a vehicle at that time, and late-night drives were always one of our favorite things to do. Eventually, the guy stopped talking to me, and I would talk to my daughter about it…wondering what happened. It wasn’t a great love affair, by any means, but we were having a good time, so I didn’t get why he suddenly disappeared. She and I would run into him once in a while, and he would smile and say hi and seem very happy to see me. Me…or so I thought. Maybe you can see where this is going.
In the months after this relationship ended, my daughter’s and my relationship progressively got worse. We still hung out and had fun, but I could feel her becoming more and more disconnected. Right after New Year’s, a girl my daughter worked with messaged me and told me my daughter was bragging at work about how she was seeing this 27-year-old her mother used to date. As you can imagine, things blew up pretty badly after that. I was unbelievably angry, hurt and betrayed. After anger, though, my main concern was saving my daughter from this guy who I assumed was using her for sex. He ended up giving her an STD, and she agreed it was time to end it. Right. Again, so I thought.
Anyway, long, long story short…she’s living with him now, and it feels like so many kicks in the face…in the heart. I tried so hard with her. We lived in a pretty ghetto’y neighborhood, thanks to my inability to work, and I fought every day to make sure she stayed on the right path. She’s 19, has a job, goes to university, doesn’t smoke or do drugs…she bought a car, paid for her own braces…needless to say, I was a ridiculously proud mother. Now she’s living in a filthy, moldy basement with this sex-obsessed loser, and she thinks she’s madly in love. I won’t even get into the fact that she recently found a laptop in his closet with child pornography on it. That’s currently at the police station. He and his mother don’t know, and she’s living there. That’s not going to go well…and she refuses to come home.
So that’s that. My relationship with my daughter is over, and I now live alone for the first time in my life. Other than visits with my mother and occasional talks with my sister, both of whom I’m not very close with, I’m completely alone, and day after day the heaviness of this loneliness is becoming less and less bearable. Knowing no one is going to walk through the door…going to bed alone…waking up alone…I can’t take it. Just today, I finally had to close her bedroom door. I feel like my daughter died, and I’m mourning her alone. But she didn’t. She just decided I didn’t matter. I don’t know which is worse, but the feelings are all the same. It’s sort of like empty nest syndrome on speed.
A year ago, I was feeling good, dating, getting back into photography. And now, I spend my days crying and researching suicide methods. I’m completely broken. I always knew that the day would come when she would leave and start her life, and I always knew that if I was alone at that point, I’d have no choice but to kill myself. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not just her leaving. I’ve always been depressed. I’ve always felt this darkness around me and in me. She just lightened that for me. I loved being a mother and everything that went along with that. Having a bright and energetic girl in the house makes it a whole lot harder to retreat into the darkness.
tl;dr
I’m in a lot of pain, mentally, emotionally, physically, and I don’t have much fight left in me. I don’t want to hurt my mother. She’s already lost two kids and a husband. And I don’t know what will become of my cats. Yeah, I am a crazy cat lady. I’ve had them for nine and ten years, and I feel I owe them good final years. No one in the family would take them, and I can’t count on my daughter. She may do the right thing, but I don’t know. I can’t live for cats, though. Even I’m not that crazy.
10 comments
i’ve read your story. i’m sorry for your pain, but please hang on & dont give up. one day your daughter will come back to you, she’ll need you soon or later.
if you want someone to talk, just email me & i’ll reply gladly.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I think I can help with some resources (not suicide help, just ideas on the daughter front). E-mail me? RecoveringfromTHAT(at)gmail.com
You don’t have to be alone in this stuff.
DW
Watching your daughter depart from your house, especially in that fashion, can definitely bring some debilitating emotions. Listen, I know it may not bring you any consolation right now, but everyone makes mistakes, especially when they’re young. The best thing that you can do is to continue to be the great person that you are. I’m sure that somewhere deep down, your daughter sees you as a strong, stable and determined person; you’d have to be, otherwise you wouldnt’ve have been able to raise her by yourself. Young women usually see men in a spectacular light, mainly because they’re filling a void that they only now beginning to understand. Usually, later in life, they’ll realize just how common the concept of companionship is and will then make more sensible decisions on who to be with. Right now, and I know it’s hard, you need to set your sights on how to improve your own life. Get rid of the thoughts that tell you, ” You’ll always be alone, just learn to live with it after all, your daugher’s gone, she’s not coming back.” Instead, set your sights on reclaiming the happiness that you once had. It may not sound comforting, but you alone are responsible for your own happiness. You can’t depend on your daughter to be the ray of sunshine breathing life into your spirit everday. The same goes for your daughter; she can’t depend on you to make her happy. Give her some time, let her experience life and I’m sure that when she’s seen this guy for who he really is, she’ll be ready to come back into your life the way you want her to be. I believe in you.
I am so sorry about what has happened with your daughter. I can’t even begin to imagine how much pain you are in – I have never been a mom.
I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to tell you about the loss and eventual find of my brother.
My brother and I are both adopted, but not related to each other. His very rich biological mother showed up and lured him away from our family when he was about 20. He had nothing to do with my parents for 19 years. At first, my parents (and I) were exceptionally upset, as you could imagine. My dad, who is not a very emotional person at all, was devastated. After some time, we just kind of went on and had resigned ourselves to the fact he was never coming back.
One day my dad got a phone call. The guy on the other end of the line said “Dad?” and my dad (who did not recognize my brother’s voice) told that he thought he had the wrong number. But it turned out that it was my brother. After a short time, my parents went to see my brother, who lives quite some distance away, and got to meet his family. Last spring, my brother and his family came here. When they came down the hallway in the airport, it was almost surrealistic for me. I honestly thought our family would ever be together again. It took about 19 years, but it happened. .. and the wait was so worth it.
Please hold on. I strongly feel your daughter will come around, and I don’t think it will take 19 years. What is done in the darkness will always come to light, and I don’t think it will take her long to see that there is something exceptionally wrong with this man.
But beyond that, I agree with another comment made: you need to be your own light. I absolutely get the sadness and grief and the light being gone from life. Believe me, I get it, even if it is for a different reason. Find the light within you. It’s still very much there – I can see it in your writing. And you are never alone – I care, and I feel confident that so do others on the site.
Take care,
El
p.s. I am a crazy cat lady, too. I have 4 right now. People keep dumping them off at my property and I swear that I won’t take them in, but first I feed them… then they get to come in the garage when it rains… then sooner or later… well, you know. If nothing else, remember, you are a mom to all of your kitties.
Cat lady here too, lol.
OP, I can relate to your story. I’m somewhat estranged from my 18 year old son who is currently living with foster parents. I feel I failed him pretty badly, and despite that I have had to live with quite a severe form of bipolar disorder, it is my sense of failure as a mother that leaves me feeling more suicidal than ever before.
It sounds though as if you have done plenty of things right in your relationship with your daughter. You should be proud of yourself for that.
I wrestle with the question of whether I can be free to suicide or not. I am currently holding on for my elderly mother, but in the long term it will be my son who gives me pause I expect. He really has so few people in his life (no dad).
I have an ambivalent relationship with my son (he was not originally either planned or wanted), but the future always holds some kind of possibility, doesn’t it?
I can’t work either, have not worked since I was diagnosed with this horrible condition 22 years ago.
Bringing children into this world does raise questions for those who find themselves considering suicide. Sometimes I convince myself that he doesn’t want or need me, that he hates me etc. But there are an unending supply of ‘what ifs’. One day the chances are he will need me and I will have the chance to make it up to him at least somewhat for my failures in the past (mostly owing to my severe mental illness).
Thanks for sharing your story.
Wow-awful.You must be in so much pain.I begin to feel my kids-2 teens-pull away and I sometimes perceive they are becoming hardened towards me. Ive been completely
invested in them-I gave up men,alcohol,drugs(all of which I enjoyed immensely)and I do not have friends I go out with,or visit with here.We moved back to Cali 3 years ago,and I didn’t even try to make friends-I find it burdensome .I want to be free of the responsibility. My kids are my everything-I put my energy into making their lives good and full and fun.I am an activist for animal liberation and I do attend a lot of demonstrations with my kids(ive raised them vegan and they are hardcore activists-my daughter is studying veterinary medicine,just as I did.my son is just starting high school now.)but I dont involve myself in any of my associations lives-no socializing whatsoever. So,the kids are everything. Its going to kill me .I feel so dependent on them for companionship and fun and support,and the feeling of them being disdainful or irritated with me is SO horrible. Im already in pain to begin with.When theyre moving on from me, Im certain I will kill my pain the old fashioned way-booze,drugs,sex-and commit suicide that way.Ive got other reasons,obviously-not only the kids leaving,but ANYWAYYY- Iwant to point out to you-you met and dated the asshole last summer .Youre capable of dating and socializing.Get back out there.I feel as the others do-your relationship with your daughter will be be restored.She will need you.Even though she did betray you( im so sorry you had to experience that shit) you can forgive and move on-shes a foolish child,and made a treacherous stupid decision.She knows this.She will make amends. Your life still has potential and hope.I have to say this,too,and please dont be offended-its only the truth,and you should hear it. The cats deserve to be loved til they die and not discarded like trash because they’re inconvenient. Theyve been your faithful companions for so long,now….its a cruel betrayal to animals to be discarded by their families after a life devoted to them….Had to say it-its just so very sad and confusing for them. IVE said enough-im sorry if I overstepped. I hope you can find the spark of hope and desire and get well.
Believe me, I won’t leave them unless I’m left with no other option. I feel the same way you do about abandoning pets. If I didn’t, they wouldn’t even factor into the decision. What I meant was I need more to live for than just them.
That’s sad and I can understand that your close bond was broken by a sick man. I have heard when families bond with their children it’s like a spouse relationship then what happens is the child does pay back and can be quite rebellious. It sounds to me like co dependancy issues, I was very close to my father and it’s not healthy in families but it happens all the time. But they say that then the child acts out cause the child hadn’t learnt healthy dependancy issues . If I were you I’d be really worried about the guy and the porn stuff that sounds very sick. I think that it won’t last and she will come running back to you cause your her mum and she’s going to need you especially after this kind of man there could be other abusive sick stuff going on too. Like he could be controlling her, she needs you more than ever now but it would be hard to see that
I think it’s less that he controls her and more that she has become obsessed with him. I was hoping that living with him would take some of the shine off that, but she seems more into him than ever. The police have the laptop. The child pornography may or may not have been downloaded by him. We’ll have to wait and see what, if anything, the police investigation brings.
take care of you, to be there for her.