Not for anything but I’m so sick of feeling lonely and insecure and useless and inadequate. For once in my life I’d love to have a friend or a significant other stick with me and tell me that it’s going to be ok, that I have a life worth living. Sometimes I just have to be reminded, because the self pep talks are useless.
It’s probably extremely pathetic on my behalf, but I’ve recently started talking with my ex again. It’s stupid but I miss him. He’s married to an absolute ***** who’s driving everyone away from him, and I’ve warned him numerous times to get out if the marriage before it’s too late….but that won’t happen. I’m so sick of being used for selfish reasons. I’m so sick of giving pep talks and giving advice that I myself should be following, yet on the inside no one truly knows the immense pain I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’d love to start over again, where my body was still sacred, clean and not violated by men I trusted (granted I let them do it and went along for the ride because at that point I just didn’t care anymore, and craved a male’s attention so badly due to a lack of a father figure…stupid I know)
I wish the urges to take my blade and slice my leg and arm would subside. I wish I could talk to a stranger without having immense anxiety. I wish I could do simple tasks without the imagery of me hanging from the ceiling constantly showing itself. I just want to be normal. I want to stop feeling so damn useless and pathetic and broken. And if I say any of this in greater detail to my therapist or ***** of a psychiatrist, I’ll be sent back into the looney bin. If anything that shit hole made me feel worse.
2 comments
You don’t seem inadequate to me. It sounds like you just want someone to reassure you once in a while that you’re valuable. From what I’ve read, you seem like a very level headed and intelligent person. Don’t see yourself as sub-par because you’ve made a few mistakes. Listen, I don’t know what pain you’re enduring on the inside. I’m going to go on a limb here and say that no one truly knows except you. Now that wound, that pain, can only be sutured when you let go of what didn’t work out. Let people around you in. Move past what could’ve been, or what should’ve been, and dwell on the new things that are in your life. Not having a solid father figure in your life is tough. You may have made some bad decisions, but dwell on the fact that you’ve also made a lot of good ones.
Thanks rocko. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to let people in only to use me or be weirded out by my mental state, and just leave…so….now what? I continue to fight to see the value of life.