HELP!!! Please see the signs, i need help, support. I am sick, depression is killing me, slowly, surely. When I talk you ignore and pretend everything is fine. You judge and blame me for being weak. All those times I stopped crying and pretended I was fine, all those times I confused myself by not permitting myself to show emotion was because of you. I am afraid of sharing now. Most of the times I am numb I don’t know what I’m feeling or who i am. I have killed myself slowly emotionally, because when I needed help, understanding, sharing,love you didn’t give it to me. You didn’t love me mom, dad, sister, you loved the idea of me. I am broken now because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I let you down, damaged your idea of me. I have learn’t to create a blank image in my head to stop my tears, to let it go as you told me. You taught me that the only time I can get love from you is when I’m happy. the other times i don’t exist for you. the other times you hate me. I have created that blank page so many times now that i have learned to become that blank page, to lose myself. Now I love when I’m crying because being numb is worse. Being numb is erasing yourself and becoming nothing but the other’s perception of you. Being numb is admitting that you are only what other’s think of you, what other’s think you should be. All those times I thought I was being strong I was actually killing myself so you wouldn’t see me when I was hurting. But now Im breaking, now I’m screaming that I NEED HELP!!!!!
(I’m 17, and just got rejected from scholarships and got admitted to a really pricy college. nobody expected that, I was the brains of the family. But I couldn’t take it anymore last year. I broke apart)
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Dear numb:
We are here because we share the same problem as you do, so if im first to talk let me give you something that migth help you (i hope) i understand your grief and pain im putting a facade in front of me too, i wear the determined strong man mascarade, and i understand why it hurts and how deep are the wounds it create, but eve trough i readed your story i can’t seem to find the source of your original suffering, the one that forced you to wear that heavy smile, the one that forced you becoming someone please tellbme more take me further in you so i can help you.
Yours forever
Noir
Dont let problems decide your fate try and pull through if you want to talk to someone feel free to email me or chat on here if not thats fine sometimes it helps to vent to others who know the same pain.
Wow, you’ve figured it out at 17. You’re very intelligent. I’m almost 34, and it took me years to realize “conditional love”. I was practically Valedictorian. My parents were, and still are rigid.
It’s like, I’m not as good as my siblings because I haven’t succeeded like they have, therefor I don’t deserve my parents’ love. Is that what you are saying?
He’s the brain of hus family i think he’s more succesfull than the others, that’s what left to answer what leaded him to hi’s pain in the first moment im none to junge anyway i just want to help.
Sorry for repliying to you.
Noir
You’re exactly right.
It’s like the big pink elephant in the room my family never wanted to talk about. We never shared emotion in my family. It wasn’t really allowed. We studied and worked hard. That’s what was allowed. Heaven forbid we have emotion and need to get something off our chest.
You’re not numb, and you’re not broken.
My dad once told me immaturity is forgivable. I’m not quite sure what that means. But, I guess we’re not expected to know everything. I’m sorry, you are not in a more supportive environment. You’re obviously extremely intelligent.
You have us or at last me, i can help you if you contact me (idk if you can pm if not just answer to.my coments)
Noir
*loved*
JUst shows people do care and are here 🙂
Thanks everyone for your comments, it feels wonderful to finally get all of that from my chest. I am a female by the way. I guess what happened was that I was conditioned to be good at studying and nothing else mattered for them. And they do care about me but just like a parent who loves a baby. They just think about caring about the baby and not who that baby is. And when i grew up there was this really high expectations for me to be an A+ student and every time I got a bad grade (starting from the 1st grade) I had to explain my dad why I got it. To the point that I didn’t care about anything else. I didn’t have any friends either. I don’t like competing for popularity and attention and thats all the girls did. And the boys just sticked together so I didn’t have any friends. In 10th grade I was an exchange student in U.S for a full year, (scholarship) and I got to experience life, friends, and that being smart wasn’t everything and didn’t define you) but when I returned I was back at zero and now the kids were meaner. The last year is the most important one where you have to study hard to give exams and I became depressed because no one new the “new”, “happier” me who had friends. They just new me as this smart girl who is weird and went to U.S. I didn’t get a tutor because here tutors take 12-13 kids and I didn’t want to face anyone. So I decided to study alone and failed. I was depressed, could’t focus, was bullied, and at the same time everybody expected a lot from me. At first I was studying but then as the school got worse, with this girl ridiculing me and me not being able to defend myself I lost the illusion that somehow I had changed and was stronger. No I was the same girl in everybody’s eyes and I couldn’t take it. I still was an A student in U.S when life was exciting. But here where studying was the most important thing in my family I snapped. I stopped studying, and started breaking apart. Whenever I saw people I knew all they cared about was me being a “successful” person and not who I really was. The summer I returned I lost the meaning and my family pretended nothing was wrong. Even the doctor my mom took me ( as a simple check up) even the doctor told mom that I seemed to have lost all of my energy. But she acted like nothing was wrong and kept telling her friends about me, and how proud she was. I guess after that I could’t find myself again and became a really bad student. And when I gave the exam I got 460/700 and got in a university that’s very expensive. And now I can’t live with myself. I already cut the ties with everyone who “cared” about me, because I knew and still do that they are laughing at me. After today I don’t know how to go on. I have lost the meaning of myself, and who I am. As an A+ student I am at my worst nightmare and I seem to not care. Just feel numb because there is no one I care about right now, I feel like “everyone is out to get me”. Sadly its true. Im the biggest failure they probably have seen.
I just wish there was someone that I could talk to, explain things, that I could just cry and let it out and be comfortable being weak. That I could ask for help and get a hug. I know it sounds ridiculous but 11 years everyone has been expecting me to get into a good college and have been talking about me proudly. But now I have disappointed them all and it all seems so meaningless. I hated what I was studying and I know that I would be a great student if I stayed in U.S. But here I don’t know what Happened. Suddenly I just snapped and stopped doing anything. And I am at the point where I hate everything, I hate myself and everyone and I just want to cry but am too scared to let my guard down. Because then I’ll have to see the people’s real face
that they don’t care about you. Its all a game. When you are smart, popular or achieve something they are nice but when you snap and start breaking apart and bleeding they start judging you and laughing at you. And when you are taken away from the people that just care about how you are, and what you are feeling to a place where they are scrutinizing you, it destroys you
sounds like you need to start caring more about your own perception of yourself because you are a great person 🙂
Gosh numbandconfused, I really feel the pain coming through what you have written. It kind of makes me mad that your parents have pressured you so much academically while not paying attention to your emotional needs. I was a high achiever too, my mum would brag about me like yours, however I can’t say I was under the same scrutiny and high expectation that you seem to have been. Besides my mental illness didn’t really kick in properly until I was 19 and left home, I was pretty normal up to that point.
Please find a way to let your emotions out safely…it’s so damaging to keep so much locked up inside. Counselling/therapy has helped me a lot over the years (I’m 52 now). I don’t know if this is something you could have access to? (I know it’s kind of obvious advice). You need to let the doc and your family know that things are not OK. Conditional love. Yes, we’ve all been there. But they need a reality check, sorry. Their need to cherish the happy illusions should not be allowed to prevail over your need of support and help. You matter!