Let’s just say, the last six years of my life haven’t been easy.. and now I’m at a point in life where I’m starting to struggle. When I was fourteen, I lost my mum to cancer, and that was when my world started to come crashing down. I went off the rails.. I spent all of my time drinking, taking drugs, trying to shut everything out and for a while it worked. That was until my brother got ill, since we’d lost mum, he was severely depressed and wouldn’t leave the house. He started to act strange and had a few episodes in which he was soon diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic. He was sectioned and made to stay at a mental health clinic, where he got better, until the next episode. It was a continuing cycle. I found it hard to deal with as I didn’t understand what had happened to my brother, he was no longer himself. Eventually he was better again, but we didn’t hear from him for a while coming up to the 5th anniversary of our mum’s death. We started to get worried and drove to his flat, his flat mates told us they’d not seen him in a couple of days. That was it, me and my sister had a hunch that something wasn’t right. We reported him missing and for a week spent every minute of every day searching for him. He had left behind any form of I.d, his phone, wallet, bank cards etc and we just knew that something was not right. The next day we had a knock on the door that every family dreads. He’d been found at the bottom of beachy head in Eastbourne by a passer by, and formally identified as my brother, with a note addressed to us.. a suicide note. I don’t think I had ever experienced such pain in my life, guilt, anger, grief, despair and so many other emotions. Five months on and I’ve been diagnosed with depression and major anxiety. My thoughts are of which I wouldn’t wish on anybody, and even though I know the pain my brother has caused my family, I can’t help but think what if I did the same, I would get to be with him and my mum. I wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore, I would be free. I just can’t see myself ever being anything but that sad girl who’s lost half her immediate family. I feel so alone and scared to carry on, I just want my life back. I feel abandoned in this world and have no idea how to just move on and get over it, I can’t. But I have to somehow.
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Paige,
It’s truly unfortunate to hear about your brother. Listen, I know that this may not be what you’d like to hear right now, but you cannot continue to dwell on the darkness behind you. It may be hard. The voices that say, “You’ll never get well. You’ve seen your best days, it’s all downhill from here,” are all lies that we tell ourselves to make sense of the dread around us. You’ve been through a tough time–I’m not making light of that, but you cannot let a season of mourning, become a lifetime of mourning. We’ve all wasted time, whether that’d be academically, professionally, or even personally on things that don’t matter. The important thing is to identify, deep down, just what you would like to become and take small steps to get there. Everytime you feel guilty/angry/depressed over the suicide of your brother, say to yourself, “He’s in a better place, watching over me, cheering me on.” When you feel abandoned by the world, say to yourself, “My mother’s watching over me, happy, proud and overjoyed at how much I’ve grown.” Forget about the past six years–doing so will get you nowhere. Instead, dwell on the upcoming six years and how rest of your life, will be the best of your life. I believe in you.
You’ve got no idea how much your words have helped me, don’t get me wrong I know exactly what I want to do with my life, I recently got a new job in care, working with people who suffer from dementia which is a small step towards my dream career of being a mental health support worker. I’ve got the rest of my family for support, friends and a boyfriend. But with my anxiety I just feel so detached from the world sometimes, I get awful paranoia and panic attacks for no reason, sometimes I walk around the house screaming because I feel like I’m dying, but I always end up okay I’m the end. And comments like these help me so much, just knowing there’s people out there who understand and a high percentage of the time it’s easier to talk to someone who doesn’t expect you to just ”get over it.”
Gosh, I’m so sorry Paige, for what you’ve been going through. That is a desperately sad story. I’m often humbled on this site by the depths of the human suffering I witness. I wonder how I could ever think my own pain to be significant.
However my life too has been devastated by a severe mental illness – my own. But I still have my mum. Losing yours at such an early age was devastating to both you and your brother. I feel so sad for you both.
I’m at a loss for what to say to in any way comfort you. Words just don’t feel adequate. If it helps you to write about your feelings and story I hope you will continue to do so. I am in the UK too, so your story seems closer to me somehow. Sorry I can’t come up with any advice Paige. Just know you’re in my thoughts, and try to reach out to whoever remains in your life that you can trust.
That’s a heart wrenching story. We hold out grief tight between our shoulders. We hold our grief deep inside us. Whether we have lost love ones, lost parts of our lives, lost ourselves some where and we just can’t seem to get it back. It’s holding our grief so deep inside . Grief is not something to deny but society tends to not talk about the impacts it has on our health , emotional inner worlds and even our spirituality. I have experienced grief lately and it’s all loss but I never let it out so one day it all came flooding out. I had never felt pain like this ever. I sobbed for days and I don’t cry. I can only imagine your grief , I have a friend that lost her brother to suicide and get other brother to an overdose. She too holds that grief in and its so nice to hear you share yours with us thank you