on life choices

I am very happy (weird statement in a post about suicide, I know) and thankful that I came across this site. It’s a rare chance that one can, with total abandon, present one’s life in a self-pitying view and (hopefully) not be judged.

If there is anything I have learned is that in life, CHOICE DICTATES ALL. Jaded, disillusioned, trapped, confused, hugely embarrassed, angry, bitter, sad and tired, I am all these things, all because of my very poor and misguided life choices. If I could turn back time I most definitely would because I hate feeling how I feel right now.

My life started well enough. I belong to a middle class family. In my country’s culture, parents are always to be followed, and it was especially so in our household. Being the eldest, (I have a younger sis and bro)I always tried to be the daughter my parents can be proud of. I rarely went outside, barely had friends and I never really cared for them anyway since they weren’t into things that I enjoyed like reading. Anyway, I went to an okay school in elementary, where I was an honor student. I felt I had so much potential back then. This delusion continued during high school. I went to a very small high school, there were very few students so it was quite easy to stand out even if you were just average. I was still an honor student and I thought that I could do anything I wanted. And what I wanted was to become a doctor. That was not to be.

I was able to enter a supposedly “good” university, some say it even is the “best” in my country. I wanted to become a doctor so I applied for Nursing since that was a good pre-med course and my second choice was Biology since it was also a good pre-med course. However, the Nursing quota was full so I was left with my 2nd choice or I can choose a different degree that had slots available. I was at the university registrar alone so I called up my dad and told him the options, then he heard one degree and told me “Choose that course, so-and-so says that you can get a good job abroad etc etc, and if you ever change your mind regarding medschool then at least you’ll have a fallback, since you’ll have a professional license.” I knew my dad meant well and only wanted the best for me and  the whole “honor your parents” and “listen to them and follow what they say” attitude was deeply ingrained in me that I did what he said. I chose a college degree without knowing anything about it, except that it involved exercise and bones. So that was stupid decision # 1. Deciding my professional life over a phone call. That phone call was the start of 8 years of the sh*ttiest, most excruciating, depressing stage of my life. That was also a stupid decision because I made it without consulting my bestfriend/boyfriend since elementary. I don’t know what I the hell I was thinking, I WASN’T. Anyway so my college life was miserable, my degree was 5 frickin’ years and when you failed a subject you had to go and wait 1 WHOLE YEAR just to take that subject again. And it didn’t help that the college I was in didn’t really tolerate normal people like me who was lucky enough to be admitted to their university, they only wanted excellence. and since my high school educ was kind of a joke (not really kind of) I had a really hard time keeping up. I wasn’t interested in the course and it wasn’t interested in me. And this was not who I was when I was in elementary and high school. I was an achiever, I had ambition, drive. I was very confident in my abilities. This incompetent fool was someone I did not recognize, and yet it was me.

I already failed one subject so I was already delayed a year. I was able to take it. I was a fighter back then. I tried to take all the summer courses that I could so I can graduate on time. But then, I failed another subject and so I was now delayed for 2 years and that was the first time I attempted suicide. I bought sleeping pills and a huge bottle of vodka and downed everything. I laid down on my bed and it was just a few minutes before I started pucking my guts out. I was really depressed and was so scared of telling my parents because I thought they would disown me. I was sooooo embarrassed. Let’s just say that delayed isn’t what you would want to be known as to have dignity in my college.

So I had the choice to transfer schools or shift to another degree, but by then I was already in the 3rd year and I thought that I didn’t want all that hardwork to go to waste so I just stuck with it. Stupid decision # 2. I keep thinking what if I got out? What if I chose a course or transferred to a degree that I was good at and excelled at? Anyway, I graduated (finally) but still I had ahead of me the Licensure Exam. And the cruelest thing was that I had to relearn everything all over again and to be honest I learned more from the review center than my college. The best experience I had was during my internship but that was without its share of crying spells. It was so difficult for me, I felt so incompetent every damn day facing my patients, I wanted to give my best services to them (that’s one thing my college taught me is to really think of the patient’s welfare) and it’s hard when you don’t have the skills, I couldn’t live with myself, I hated feeling like that. Anyway, so when I graduated and passed my licensure exam, there was no sense of accomplishment or triumph, ONLY RELIEF THAT THE WHOLE GODFORSAKEN THING was FINALLY OVER.

So, after taking my licensure exam I have been in a rut. I have had no job since then and it’s been almost a year. I’m not applying for a job in my field because I have these high standards for myself that I know I cannot meet. And I sure as hell don’t want to repeat that feeling of incompetency of facing my patients with mediocre treatment.

Anyway, here I am the supposed high school honor student, who went to one of the country’s “best” universities and I have nothing to show for it. I’m not proud of myself and it’s so sad because I really want to start working since my dad has medical bills and my two siblings are in college now. My two siblings are also causes of my distress, just because they’re both talented and in the arts. My sis is in Fine Arts while my bro is a Guitar Major. And I have ZERO talent, I cant’ draw or play an instrument, I have no special abilities…and i’m the eldest they’re supposed to look to me as an example. They have a good-for-nothing bum for a role model, brilliant.

Not to mention, some relatives I have those who live locally and abroad are waiting for me to tell them what job I have now etc. etc. They are good people and they always try to help me and my family financially and they send us presents and well-wishes. They ask me how I’m doing etc and I can’t face them. I don’t know what to tell them. It just adds more pressure and humiliation. It reall makes me want to escape so bad.

Anyway, what hurts me the most is that all that hardwork was for nothing because I will never be able to pursue my dream of being a doctor now. We have no money, and it’s extremely expensive to go to medschool without a full or half-scholarship in my country. And what hurts even more is that my bestfriend/boyfriend of 12 years is now in 3rd year medschool. And I just can’t help but be really sad and bitter because every time he talks about his career all I can feel is my own incompetency, insecurity, inadequacy and hopelessness. And really it’s going to be inevitable being compared to him. I’m a bum and he’s going to be a cardiologist or some such. Sh*t, I don’t think I can take that on a daily basis. I’m happy for him, definitely, but I’m also deeply sad for myself. And ever since I have been thinking of just ending it. I keep on researching about it, imagining it. Because I can’t see any other way. I can’t leave him because during my dark days he was always there for me but I just can’t bear to stay as well. I am so confused and torn, I just am at a loss.

I apologize for the very long post. I’m sorry if it seems like I whine or whatever but this is just how I feel. If there are grammatical or spelling errors, I’m sorry and if pointed out I’ll gladly correct them. Anyway, I hope someone, with a different perspective on all this may be able to share what they think so that I’ll be able to make some good choices regarding my career path, relationships etc so that I can fix my life. Whatever’s left of it anyway…Thank you so much for reading.