I don’t know what i’m doing, i’m trying to find reasons not to die but its becoming exceedingly difficult each day. I don’t feel i’m worth anything to anyone, i know i’m not. I don’t make attachments or really feel anything towards anyone, but there is always this one person it all goes into. Every time i love i’m brought to a grinding halt, reminded why i shouldn’t go there.
I really wish i knew what the point to all this is, everything is just pointless bullshit. What’s the point of living when you’re brain dead? when nothing makes you happy, sad or excited?
I’m trying to cry out for help, but no one can help me and it’s so incredibly frustrating. How do you describe the absence of anything, complete numb nothingness to someone and except they have a life changing answer or solution?
i think i might just reseed back into my hole now. Try and figure out what i’m doing.
I think i need a cat.
6 comments
i feel the same. i always feel empty. i dont know what to do too 🙁
I was literally typing that you should try to find a sport, activity, or hobby to spend some of your “love” on that can’t love you back … then I saw the bit about the cat. Problem solved.
Maybe the problem is in trying to make life have a point. It’s like trying to look at a rock and wonder and worry how come it’s not an apple. If you think life doesn’t have a point, then that’s great. That’s the way it is. Stop try try trying so hard to be happy, sad or excited. Just accept your pointless empty existence then go from there.
Ya, you can get a cat. That’ll give you a few moments of “happy, sad or excited” then you’ll want something else…and then something else…and then something else…and on and on…until you come back to “what the hells the point?” Just be with “empty” and get used to it because no matter what you do you’ll always come back to Empty at some point. Anyway, that’s my take on it.
Get the cat anyway..regardless of the anticipated failure of it being very temporarily diverting as @Randall suggested.Having someone to love and care for-another living being-can in fact bring relief from the big empty …Hell-adopt several.. for lots of people, it is meaningful to be needed and your company desired by others..and vice versa. I see youre searching for answers and reasons…well, its fine to be searching,and theres lots to be found,but all that grasping,and not being able to hold anything that fulfills the need in you—that shit can make you crazy bro. I would suggest -the only belief system or philosophical teachings I would ever suggest,if ANYTHING-you read the Buddhist precepts.Zen too.Read some. I find pretty much that all others are divisive,and hate mongering or allegiance demanding shit disguised as love and salvation..I find im killing myself with my attachments,or desire for attachment(err-bad relationships,or desire for new bad relationship 🙂 and its been the thing that has driven me to stupid,ill conceived,actions. I have to let it go,and do other things now.Its very hard. I see very clearly how it has enslaved me though. IVe been so low and bitter from it all that I feel like this life is a complete waste if I carry on like this any longer.I feel that I dont want to live in this world if I dont start doing things that I think are worth my time and energy.Do only those things I feel are good and honest.For me thats plotting and carrying out acts of resistance ,possibly some vengeance,also,for the animals who suffer and who are abused ,used ,exploited and tormented from birth to the day of their murdeR. In your case, there must be something -anything-that strikes you as worth giving your time to. For me, I cant get with applying my outrage and my empathy to humans-theyre just so fucked up and horrid,so very often and I feel inclined to be a protector and advocate for animal libetation. Art is another possibility,too because many of us who suffer these feelings and despair and desire ,are very much inclined to create meaningful and beautiful,or tragically beautiful works of art-in writing and/or painting ,drawing ,photography-it can be very satisfying to create something that youve imagined,or conceptualized. The thing is…do you have energy enough to TRY? Not only that but also,to keep trying. I hope you do.Im afraid im pretty low on energy ,myself -but im pressing on…If you cannot find a way,my friend , theres always the option of drugs .To kill the existential pain …until its your time to die-by your hand or the hand of fate…i hope you feel better soon
Maybe you need meds. And a cat.
Deadman, you’re not alone in how you feel. I certainly relate. Why did you say, “I don’t make attachments or really feel anything towards anyone, but there is always this one person it all goes into. Every time i love i’m brought to a grinding halt, reminded why i shouldn’t go there”?