I wont say names and I wont say ages, it’s difficult enough to even type this sort of stuff.
Within a span of 4 months my life changed dramatically. My father passed away and I was assaulted by peers older than me.
I wasn’t sure how to communicate what happened. My father dying, people I thought I was safe around. How can you tell your family or your friends about any of that and have them understand how you’re feeling?
Sure they could have been through something similar or close to your experience, but every experience is different. You don’t get assaulted by the same person/people. You wont always have the same relationship with your parent as the next person. How do you communicate those feelings?
I was angry, I was upset, I was at a loss of worth. I didn’t want to be around, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. I would get people telling me “You have issues” if I got angry at them over little things like accidentally pulling my hair or bringing up issues they have with their parents. I would be scolded by my friends for not “getting over it” or “moving on”.
So I had decided. “People would be better off without me”.
“No one needs me here anyway.”
Many nights I would spend planning how I would execute my death. How I would do it as quickly and painless as possible. But when it came down to it I only ended up in a psych ward. It wasn’t the quick and painless death I was searching for and it made me feel even more pathetic, I couldn’t even end my own life.
It was all for nothing. And now here I am, sitting in my bed, still feeling pathetic. Without a dad or trust in my peers.
5 comments
Awful-truly awful,my dear. It wasn’t your time yet,and its ok to get treatment for emotional distress and/or mental illness. Do not be ashamed please. We-many of us here on S.P.-have undergone hospitalization,voluntarily and involuntarily due to going batshit crazy in one way or the other.Theres many unsuccessful attempts at suicide here . Some of us recover and learn how to live. People dont need to experience all the exact circumstances of your pain in order to comfort you or listen to you .I guess people are really striking a big raw nerve when they claim to understand. Any friend though,could be supportive .If youre just unable to find a person you trust and that you know really cares for you,I would find some grief counseling,and start there.The trauma of the assault is compounding the greif and creating anger and frustration within you.By th way-anyone who suggests you should get over it and move on is an insensitive asshole,and therefore should be immediately disregarded.Try not to tell them much about your feelings-theyll probably make you feel worse with their bullshit-its not worth it. A counselor is confidential and you can be dead honest about what youre going through. I wanted to say-its not too late to go to the police on this assault. Consider it-it could potentially give you relief and strength to report it..victims say its empowering.Also even if your report doesnt get them arrested and charged , in the future others may very well report being assaulted and the history of your report can strengthen the prosecution of these bastards. Again,let me say that you can share your issues with someone in your family or friends whether they have had a similar experience or not. Its not necessary-only their regard and love for you is necessary. I strongly suggest professional greif and victim counseling,also. Keep sharing here-let it out. All at once or incrementally-no matter-do it th way you want to.But start letting it out ..you can recover. I hope you feel better soon.Stop beating yourself up!Instead,be kind to yourself-like youd treat someone you love very much if they were suffering like you:)
The negative self talk -theyll be better off without me,and no one needs me-these are lies coming from your insecurity and fragile emotional state.You can sabotage yourself and beat yourself down with lies like those-catch yourself when you begin to think these thoughts,and remind yourself that these are grandiose ideas and you need to break up the thought pattern by interrupting it with a task that requires your attention. Then make contact with a friend or family member. Keep posting or reading on S.P. -it helps
I don’t really know how to respond, but I know I should say thank you.
Keep on writing about it-it can help. If you can’t go on,and can no longer try,I understand -we understand.I wish you painless passage,and I wish you peace.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve lost someone dear too, and everyone acted as like they were robots. “why r u crying when you can’t change anything?”. but i understood they wanted me to get over, they were seeing me low and wanted me to feel better. we are humans, don’t know exactly what to do or say to help someone in grief. misanthrope gave the best piece of advice.