Thoughts

i am a type 1 diabetic who has scoliosis of the spine. I am actually allergic to insulin and it is extremely painful to take also i have my back condition which causes me severe pain. I am 16 years old but i have suicidal thoughts everyday i have attempted to commit suicide numerous times but stopped at the last minute the only thing that stops me is the pain i feel in that moment. I self harm alot as it stops the thoughts for just a second, i break my bones now.I used to abuse my diabetes as its the easiest way to cause serious harm i stopped this as i would be admitted to hospital and i was in a coma and have caused organ damage,this never actually bothered me but it hurt my mum and everyone noticed what i was doing. they all think its because i cant accept im diabetic, i accept that but i do not accept that i feel this way and the only thing that keeps me alive is to abuse myself. my family doesnt know that i break my bones and cut myself because i dont let them know, i go to the hospital because i want to know how much damage i can do to myself. ive had these thoughts and acted on them for a very long time almost 9 years. My nan died a year ago she committed suicide and she done it through starvation i watched for 3 years while she did this as we would admit her to hospital or make her eat but i wanted to die with her she was so brave and a severe pain sufferer as she could not walk because her spine was crumbling, she was the only one that understood what i was feeling and i blame myself for letting her do it but i am so envious that she had the courage but now i cant leave my mum who does not understand any of this, she only died because of me she hates me and always will now because of my suicidal thoughts and all i want is for her to come back so i could be the one to die not her. i was suicidal before she died but its just something else to make everything worse.