Too much to take and no way out

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I came across this site while looking for advice and read previous posts. I’m in such a bad situation I cannot see a way forward and I have  no one to turn to.  I’m trying to condense the whole story because without the back story it’s hard to get the full picture across. I apologise in advance for the length of the post.

I’m from the UK and I’m 26. I’ve had a lot of things happen throughout my life. I was brought up by my grandparents and have a mother who would come in and out my life as she pleased. She was very abusive both physically and mentally and I am still trying to repair the impact she has had on my state of mind. I was tormented at school because I wasn’t like the other kids there, most of whom were in gangs. I was provoked on a daily basis and on occasion attacked. I was followed on several occasions and had bricks or eggs thrown at me. On one occasion I was beaten round the head with bricks and glass bottles which left me suffering terrible migraines for years.

I have had bad relationships including a very prolonged relationship with someone violent. I have been raped by two people, both former boyfriends. One of them was my boyfriend at the time. I was 15 years old. The other was when I was 20. I had broken up with him but we were still in the same house until he found another place to go. He came into my room while I was sleeping and I woke up with him raping me. When I tried to speak to my mother about it years later, she belittled me in front of my boyfriend at the time and my best friend.

My gran died 6 days after my 15th birthday. She had cancer and I looked after her. She was 80 and my grandad was 81 and unable to lift her to take her to the bathroom or change her. Losing my gran was like losing my mother. Although she was a very volatile person, similar to my mother,  she had consistently been there for me and fed and clothed me. My first memory as a child is lying in the hall outside my mother’s bedroom crying because I was so hungry while she ignored me.

I looked after my grandad until he had a stroke when he was 88. He was in hospital for 11 months and then he died aged 89. That was 3 years ago. He left me his house, the house I have always lived in. His children,  including my mother were enraged because they wanted to sell my house and get money from it. Several family members broke into my house to steal things they wanted while my grandad was in hospital. I planned and paid for his funeral and they picked a fight at the service. They were threatening me with physical violence and was told the funeral would not go ahead if they did not stop. I have not spoken to any of these people since that day.

I got sick just over a year later and I did not know why. I was contacted my mother as I needed help and had no one else. I went to stay in her house with her and her boyfriend. She has been with him on and off since I was 2. My father ran off when I was a baby. I saw him a few times until I was 9. He then cut off contact until he showed up on my 21st birthday. After that I saw him once more. My physical condition deteriorated. I was working 65 hours a week with 5 hours travel per day in order to pay my mortgage. Although my grandad left me the house, he had an interest only mortgage and had never actually paid any of the outstanding balance. After being sick for 3 months I began fainting in the street. The doctor had no idea what was wrong. I asked for time off work but was told there was no one to cover me. A few days later I woke up in intensive care. My body had shut down and my mother found me in a pool of vomit having a seizure. My oxygen saturation was very low and I was too weak to speak. I woke up involuntarily screaming because my body was in so much pain. I had to be given morphine for the first time in my life and it didn’t even take the edge off. The hospital waived my visiting hours and asked me if there’s anyone I would like to see. They didn’t know if I was going to pull through. My mother told my father I was ill and he came nearly every day to visit me. I think he was trying to make himself feel less guilty about never being there.

After many tests and scans I was diagnosed with pneumonia. They said I must have had it for months and that’s why it was so bad. I was a very healthy person and very sporty so it made no sense. I was in hospital for couple of weeks and then let out. I had pleurisy and had lost 2 and a half stone. I was a bag of bones, weighing just under five and a half stone. I saw my father the day after I came out of hospital when he said he would ‘lend’ me £20 to buy food as I hadn’t been receiving a wage while in hospital.

There was someone I had been seeing for a year before I went into hospital but we weren’t official. After what happened he said he realised he really wanted to be with me and we told our families about each other.

My work made me redundant and I hadn’t been there long enough to qualify for a package. I went onto statutory sick pay of £280 per month and I was unable to pay my mortgage and other bills including my home insurance. I had been regularly checking my house for mail and I found out a few weeks later the apparent cause of my pneumonia. Water was leaking through the bedroom ceiling. When someone looked at it he said there was a hole in my roof that had been leaking into my loft for a long time before it came through the bedroom ceiling. The wooden beams that support my house were covered in mould. I had no money to fix the roof. Also, due to all the dampness, my house needed rewired. It isn’t safe to turn on any of the sockets as they started short circuiting and giving me electric shocks.

My mother took the opportunity of my physical weakness to torment me more. She knew if she tried to attack me I would not be able to run.  Around three months after I came out of hospital, while I was still very weak, she attacked me and tried to strangle me. When it wasn’t working fast enough she gave up. She had my phone and I couldn’t call the police.  I went to put shoes on to leave and her boyfriend came home. After speaking to her he came into the room I was in and threatened me. He had my phone and told me to call a taxi and leave.  I said I was going to call the police.  He grabbed my hand as I tried to get shoes on and said he was going to break my fingers. I managed to call my boyfriend using speed dial and asked him to come urgently. My mother’s boyfriend left the room and they locked themselves in their bedroom with my two pet cats.

My boyfriend called and said he couldn’t leave work immediately and said I should try to find someone to help me grab a few things, my cats and go. I called my father who said he was busy spending time with his girlfriend. I hadn’t seen him or heard from him since he lent me £20. I called a friend and the violent ex I had been with for years and was no longer even speaking to. I didn’t know what else to do.

They arrived while I was trying to pack a bag with some necessities and my cats’ things. As they were coming up the stairs my mother’s boyfriend returned and told me to get out and that he wasn’t letting me take my things. He grabbed me and physically threw me out of the door and onto the concrete landing. I knew if I left my mother would  not let me have my cats. They both have medical conditions and I wasn’t going to leave them with her. She has two cats of her own and a dog, which she doesn’t even take out and just lets do the toilet in the hall and puts down newspaper.

I called the police and told them I’d just been assaulted and that I needed help to get my animals out of the property. When they arrived,  my mother’s boyfriend was charged on the spot for pushing me to the ground as my two friends had witnessed it. I told them my mother had tried to strangle me and despite marks on my neck and scratches and cuts they said it was my word against hers so unless she admitted it, they couldn’t do anything. I had finally stood up to her and no one was going to do anything about her abuse. They told me when they went to get my cats she was having a bath. I’m sure she was trying to wash off any physical evidence. She denied that anything happened at all and tried to tell the police the cats were hers. I had their insurance documents in the half-packed bag so I managed to get them out the house.

My boyfriend came and took me and the cats to stay with him and his parents. He said he would help me with my house and we could move in there. A week later, he dropped me off at my house with the cats. My father said he was coming round to check the house. He works in the building trade and said he could help make it liveable. He didn’t show up and I haven’t heard from him since. My boyfriend  said he’d be back when he finished work. He never came back and he changed his phone number. I couldn’t stay in the damp house with no electricity and pleurisy. I was at such a low point. I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else the whole time and sleeping with other women. The violent ex boyfriend said I could stay at his for the time being. I had no other option so I agreed.

I managed to find a new job. Although I was still signed of with pleurisy I had to pay my mortgage. I hadn’t paid for 6 months by the time I got my first wage. I narrowly avoided having my house repossessed and I’m still in arrears.

I stayed with my ex for short time. He reminded me every day that he was doing me a favour and he said very hurtful things. I was upset about everything that had happened with my boyfriend leaving me and being unable to pay my mortgage. I began to seriously consider suicide. When I cried, my ex would shout at me and call me pathetic. He would say, ‘why don’t you just kill yourself?’ Not long later, he got mad about the girl he was seeing cheating on him and beat me up in a fit of rage. I pressed charges. I had never pressed charges on him  before but I was fed up being beaten and letting people get away with it. I thought he was going to kill me. Even though it was my word against his, the police charged him. It shows the inequality of the law. A man isn’t allowed to strangle me and beat me but my mother is. I was told I’d have to face him in court unless he admitted it. He denied everything.

By this stage I was seriously running out of options. I asked round all my ‘friends’ but no one was interested. Most of them didn’t even visit me in hospital when they knew I might die. Obviously they are not my friends.  I only knew of one person who would take me in. The ex boyfriend who raped me in my sleep had come to the hospital every day, twice a day. I have food allergies and the hospital said I’d need food brought in as they didn’t have a kitchen and the microwavable food they had as I was allergic to ingredients in it. My mother only came a few times to see me and my ex began bringing me in food. The hospital would only keep it for 24 hours which meant he had to come every day. I didn’t want to go to his house but I had no choice.

The police took me there with the cats. He lived in squalor with empty food packets, bottles, rubbish etc. knee deep on the floor and mouldy plates all over the kitchen. He didn’t have a working bath or shower and I had to go to the gym to have a shower. He would make inappropriate comments at me and try to touch me. When I wouldn’t let him he would say nasty things, even sometimes trying to pick physical fights with me. He had never done that before.

I met someone who works a few doors down from me. We hit it off straight away and he wanted us to get together. I told him I was in a very complicated situation. I was completely honest from the word go. He used to get me to stay overnight with him at his parents and the person I was staying with would get very angry I wasn’t there. He threatened to take my cats to the cat and dog home unless I spent time with him. He’d even call when I was at work, telling me to go and see him or I’d come back and my cats would be gone.

After too short a time my new boyfriend said I could move in with him. He moved into his parents after breaking up with an ex and he’d been planning on getting his own place again anyway. He offered to take out a loan to fix up my place said we could stay there as that would be cheaper than paying for another house. I refused at first but eventually I agreed to stay with him. His brother owns a house that became empty so after a few months we moved in there. He said again he wanted to fix my house so we could live there and finally I agreed as it was better than paying two houses worth of rent/mortgage and council tax. He makes a lot more than I do and he said he was happy to help so we could make a fresh start together.

All of a sudden he changed. He became distant and wouldn’t speak to me. He began staying out late and avoiding coming home. He wouldn’t touch me. He made horrible comments. I have no idea to this day why. Nothing had happened between us to cause it. Around this time, the ex who ran away and changed his number came back on the scene. He told me about lots of problems he had and made me feel guilty for not being there, even though it was him who left me. He told me he wanted to be with me but when he realised how bad my situation was he didn’t want to deal with it and ran away. I realised that may be what my boyfriend is feeling.  He started saying he wanted me to move in with him. He was really messing with my head. I saw him a few times and things happened that shouldn’t have. I was just so lonely and confused. We argued and he made me feel to blame for everything that had happened to him while he was gone. I felt awful. I was also terrified my boyfriend was going to leave me and I would have nowhere to go. I knew if he knew what I’d done he would kick me out instantly, even though he probably didn’t care if I did something with someone else. It saved him having to come near me. I didn’t want to be without him. I felt as though my boyfriend would be happier if I wasn’t around any more to trouble him. I didn’t see a way out of it and I waited until he was away for the weekend and I tried to kill myself. I left him a note telling him not to come in the room so he didn’t have to find me and I left him a letter. I also texted the ex who I’d just been speaking to. He didn’t even reply to me.

My boyfriend came home early and I ended up in hospital. I told him everything there and then. He told me I was being stupid and we could sort things out. He said he wouldn’t just leave me. Everyone: the police, paramedics, doctors, nurses etc. told me I was being unfair and I should think of him. That I had upset him. That was 3 months ago. I have been off work since then. Two weeks later I got pneumonia again and once again I have pleurisy. My lung was already damaged from the first time and I am in constant pain. I don’t even want to be here any more. I went to the doctor as instructed, took medication and went to a psychiatric nurse. I am still in the same state of mind.

Last week, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me his brother is selling the house we live in and he is moving back to his parents and I’ve to leave. I couldn’t believe he would do this to me after all that has happened. I am on statutory sick pay again and once again I can’t even pay my bills, never mind somehow save up to fix my house or rent another place. I have tried everything: I called many charities, council branches and government numbers. I am not entitled to any help or housing because I own a house. I am not even allowed to stay in a homeless shelter. I have written to my local MP. I contacted my mortgage company and asked to borrow more money to make my house liveable. They declined my application. I do not want to sell my house but I looked into it as a last resort. I was told it is negative equity and would not sell.

I have asked him to stay with me until I can find a solution but he has refused. He knows I already want to die and that I have no one else in the world to give me support. I struggle just to get through one day and he expects me to be able to do that completely alone and homeless.  The cats will be homeless too.

This is Wednesday and I have to leave by Friday. If I try to speak to him or get upset he threatens to leave the house and not come back. He has family on his side telling him to leave me. He is making this situation all about him. He knows I’ve nowhere to go and he doesn’t care. I never told him I was suicidal, I just did something about it. Now he knows and if I mention how I feel he says I’m trying to manipulate him. I don’t even know if he will come home today.

I feel like I have 48 hours until the end of the world.