Well hello everyone

So its been nearly a year since I tried to kill myself. I did it at the end of last summer, swallowed three bottles of anti-depressants. I did it because I wanted to die, and I was outraged when I woke up still quite alive. However I became even more upset upon learning the level of my injuries. Apparently comitting suicide after leaving home with nowhere to go is a worse idea, particularly in northern Minneapolis. After overdosing and passing out, apparently somebody found me and proceeded to mug me, stealing my few valuables and kicking the shit out of my body.

Not only was I covered in heavy bruises, my nose, the one physical feature of mine I’ve ever seen as at least somewhat handsome, was heavily broken. I have a unusually tricky and sever bleeding disorder, leading to a host of health problems in my life. The short list includes months of hospitalizations and one genuine but temporary death, topped off with severe arthritis and other pain causing dysfunctions. But when my nose was broken last summer a fissure opened in my sinus cavity. While normally this would heal, due to my bleeding disorder it may never, and certainly hasn’t yet. Also what little beauty my face ever possessed is now gone.

My family was apparently concerned to the best of their abilities, but didn’t hesitate to seize the opportunity to blame themselves. Each of them in turn were repulsed by my less than joyous reaction to learning I survived. While coming closer together as the massive blended family we are was discussed, I was skeptical from the outset. I didn’t want to be closer, I wanted them a safe distance away before I tried again.

I was put on lithium to treat my depression. Then the county placed me on GRH funding and gave me an apartment to live in, albeit distanced from anyone I might know. I am now a burden to the economy and every tax paying citizen in Minnesota. I am the same horrid gelatinous beast I always was, though my newly marred face adds to the horror my monstrous obesity and grotesque nature already had granted me. About six months ago I was no longer able to refill my lithium because I needed to see an actual psychiatrist to have it managed. And seeing as I am the no good jobless that I am, I have no car, thus no way go to any such appointment.

Now it has been nearly a year, and I feel that this wretched existence has gone on long enough. My failure to both find a job or secure any type of funding for the college I have always been so desperate to attend, is a sign to me. I am not needed here, I am indeed not needed anywhere, and I could not even begin to believe I am wanted. While all of my peers and loved ones go on with their schooling, careers, and relationships; I reamain here, jobless, uneducated swine, never kissed by a man. I don’t care if anyone else thinks less of me for this.

Two weeks from now I will finish the job I started last year. I’m not sorry, I’ve never been sorry for anything, and I certainly won’t be for this.