Just wondering if anyone here has ever been diagnosed with this. I was recently, and I wish I would have gotten help sooner for it, now it may be too late to try to change my life in a meaningful way. Over a year ago I went on some nonsensical manic rant on youtube and got the attention of all kinds of people, then I kept at it via ranting into search engines knowing my system was compromised and anything I wrote was being seen and pissed like the whole world off, not to mention the people i pissed off fanned the flames further. At the time I wanted oblivion and wanted to die, now I’m just wanting to get some kind of help, though I still have days I want to end it. I had one of those 2 days ago and was thinking of hanging myself. Now I was told I was hit listed and people are going to do whatever they can to ruin my life. I’ve been trying to figure out why I kept ranting like I did and what is wrong with me. I honestly hate being like this and have always wanted to live a normal life but seem unable to. I’ve never kept a job long.
I keep going into these periods where I don’t want to do anything and get real depressed and want to just end it. I’ve isolated myself most of my life never had many friends or any kind of relationship despite wanting to. I am anxious around large groups of people and am very withdrawn. I’m angry at myself for being unable to break this cycle of self destruction and for some reason seek out self destructive behavior and try to self medicate with drugs and alcohol since it seems the only way to numb myself. Does anyone here have any ideas, or have they ever been through similar things. I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t do it by myself, and I’d rather at least try one time instead of just offing myself.
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I’ve been diagnosed with psychosis and I did something similar in one of my manic episodes. Anti-psychotics helped me to get rid of the voices and hallucinations. Also, I advice against the drugs and booze, they are triggers. Did that for ten years. Made it worse.
I’m scared that my manic episode might have destroyed my life. When some youtube troll hacker, hacked me I in my mania assumed it was something much bigger than it was, then I broke down and gave the troll all the ammo they would need to make it go viral. I don’t understand people who get a thrill out of such activities.
I mean how often do you find a manic dude ranting into search engines. That’s the thing when you went manic no one was actually listening, in my case some hacker was and made it go viral in a bad way. Then a bunch of people got pissed off at me. Now I was told I’m going to get locked up for a very long time ect and don’t know what to think I’m no lawyer. I have no prior criminal record and no past history of violence.
That’s the thing trolling and messing with a scitso dude is easy since i read into things a lot, but some of what I said is true, I just don’t know how much is true and how much is fiction. I’ve been living for over a year with this sense of impending doom on top of all my other issues, so I barely function.
I do know a certain community I did piss off real bad because from what I gather all of my rants were being seen by this community somehow. My situation is strange a very real thing happened to someone who is suffering from a mental illness, and I don’t know how much is fact or fiction. It’s a curse being born like this, I’ve suffered horribly my whole life because of this and most people assume the worst about me because I am so different and anti social.
Forget about the trolls they are not worth your time. Just try to stay off social media, especially when you feel an episode coming on. When i crashed and burned, a lot of people noticed. I was getting drunk and going to people’s houses, lying under police cars, posting conspiracy theories on Facebook, and thought the government was after me because I knew too much information. I was lucky I didn’t get locked up. You can’t get locked up against your will, there is a law that says that unless you are actively threatening suicide, or are exhibiting signs of violence against yourself or others, they can’t do anything to you. If you are just going manic and ranting then you are safe except maybe for some stupid trolls which shouldn’t mean anything to you. You can learn to develop a thicker skin against them with time. I know about the curse. I’ve suffered too and i can’t say I’m better now, but at least the anti-psychotics are keeping me stable. I’m still insane but in a quiet way… for now.