I gave my heart to a man. Completely. Irreparably. For 10 years. He said he loved me. He said I was his best friend and soul mate. He promised to marry me. He promised a life together.
I sacrificed a lot to be with him. My best friend hated him so I distanced myself from her. I waited a long time for him to keep his promises.
I’m sick now, since June. Have missed so much work. Am in a lot of pain. I need stomach surgery. All my doctors suck. They’re in no hurry to fix me. They want tests and more tests. I’ve gained 60 lbs. I feel so ugly.
I needed him. I needed him to be with me now. I’ve waited 10 years. A decade of my life. I told him I am suffering. I’ve reached the limit of my ability to cope. I need you.
He didn’t come. Said he didn’t like ultimatums. I plead with him. I explained. I reasoned. I said everything I could think to say.
In the end, he said no. He’s not going to marry me. Or even live with me. He actually said that I was treating him badly because I wouldn’t keep waiting for him and because I told him if he wouldn’t commit to me, we were done.
I don’t think he ever loved me. I think he must have desired me, but that’s all.
I have lots of medication. It’s for my stomach issue and depression/anxiety. I’m taking too much of it and for the wrong reasons. I want to be numb. I’m in so much pain, physical and emotional.
I want to take it all. I want to never wake up. I just don’t think I can withstand the pain. It would be so easy. I could just go to sleep and fade away. Glorious everlasting peace. Oblivion. No more pain.
I’ve been posting on depression and relationship boards all weekend. I’ve only gotten 1 response to my posts. No one cares. I think that just being heartbroken over a man doesn’t evoke much sympathy from people. There’s no one I can talk to.
I sent an email to the Samaritans and they replied but it didn’t help much.
I’m sleepy now from the pain meds. I want to take them all or at least a few more. I don’t really know how many it would take to OD.
I know it’s lame. Ending my life over a man. I know it’s cowardly and whatever the opposite of feminism is. It just hurts so unbearably much. After all this time, after all his promises, he didn’t love me enough to choose me. I am such a fool. I am vile and wretched and loathsome and alone. Forever alone.
I don’t know if i am strong enough to make it thru this. Going to take a few more pills. Probably not enough to OD. but enough to ensure sweet oblivion. At least for awhile.
Thanks for listening.
12 comments
I read all your words. Wish I could say something to make it better. Just know someone heard you. If you need to talk I’m listening.
I hope you’ll feel better soon. Take care.
I care coz I was where you are.
My final call I made before I made a serious suicide attempt (and should be dead) was to my wife of 14+ years who never even called for help, she just called my mom and told her I was out there “somewhere going to die”.
Got sick afterwards too, she didn’t care, she had too many boyfriends to care.
Email me if you need a friend.
FLwaterguy (at) g m a i l (dot) c o m
FLwaterguy99 sorry
Squid, it’s me……..are you ok? Don’t mean to hijack this post but I would love to hear from you my friend!!!!! Write me soon ok? Take care!!!!
And to the OP I wish I could help you. I cannot understand how people can be so heartless at times and if he wasn’t serious he should have at least told you so that you could move on and likely find someone who would love you and care as much as you sound like you do towards him!!!! I wish the best for you and that you will get someone better. I know it is hard right now but I am hoping you do. You can look back and find that this was actually a good thing though right now it feels like that’s the last thing it is. I am truly sorry that things turned out this way and I pray you find peace………hopefully on this side of eternity though!!!!! Try to have a good night ok? Blessings to you friend!!!!
You can beat this. Get through your physical ailments and then move on. Show him he wasn’t good enough for YOU. Never throw your life away because of someone who doesn’t care about you. That just makes him win. Hold your chin up and move on. Make him regret using you the way that he did. You can do this.
Hi there brokenheart: i think it is your loving heart that has you in tears… Not this other person. I am only just recovering from a similar situation. Its been over for two years. It went on for 7 years. I know think she never really loved me. I never did figure out why she stayed. Cannot even consider the question anymore. All i can say is try to move on. It takes a lot of time. As for your health, consider jf you have metal tooth fillings? Nearly killed me. Sweet dreams…. When you no longer fear death, life is limitless….
Never kill yourself over a guy, you won’t see his reaction you won’t see if it hurts him you will just be dead and he will move on with his life. Best thing to do is get vengenge and get better lose weight be a hottie batottie move on with your life. Get back together with your best friend, have their support. Give yourself some time because when you want to end things for someone else…you really don’t want to end things you are just miserable being with out them. If you still want to off yourself after being without them for some time maybe there’s some deeper issues. He’s not worth ending your life though, especially if you have other things to live for.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your words and for listening. Reading all these posts makes me feel a lot less alone.
I made it through the night. Very groggy morning and ended up calling out of work, but I’m still here. It’s been about 24-hours since I asked him not to text or communicate with me anymore.
I know it’s right. Breaking up with him. But the silence of my phone is painful. I want him to call or text. Tell me he was wrong. He can’t live without me.
I know that won’t happen. It’s a dangerous delusion, so I’m doing my best to shove it out of my head.
One day down. Still here. Going for two.
Thanks, everyone. Your words are helping.
I’m so glad you’re fighting even if it’s hard to do. To have somone who you felt cared about you and to discover that it wasn’t so and to have put so much into the relationship as well but at least you know the truth and can move forward. Get your heath back and find someone who will care for you and will commit to you. I’m sorry about the pain you’re going through at the moment but I’m sure it’ll pass and you’ll have a future. Hope you don’t think I’m being too positive but you are at the lowest point and may not be able to think about your future right now.
Hi Everyone,
Feeling so much stronger today. Haven’t heard from him since Sunday, and I’m okay. Still here. The pain is just…less. I feel like maybe I can survive this.
I think I’m better off without him. Maybe all the longing and fretting about a future with him over all those years made me more unhappy than I would have been if I was just alone.
This morning I woke up and I feel free. I feel like I can breathe. Like maybe I have a future after all. He is not the end of my story. He was just a long chapter that I never want to read again.
If I can just get my damn stomach fixed, I can move on.
Thanks you guys, for caring. Sunday night was bad. Your responses and encouraging words helped me hang on, eased my pain.
You guys rock.
I wish you happiness and peace.
Hi again,
I am feeling so badly today….like I’m dying inside. Like I can’t breathe.
I felt better yesterday. I thought healing would be a steady upward progression. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a roller coaster.
I got a text earlier today. Not from him, but the person’s name is similar. When I glanced at my phone for a fraction of a second I thought it was him. I thought maybe he was sorry or worried about me. Maybe he can’t live without me. Maybe he loved me after all.
Stupid. Completely pathetic.
I see the surgeon tomorrow about my stomach. I’m in a lot of pain and am hoping he will schedule the surgery. My GI doc wants to wait, run more tests. I know that probably sounds wise before surgery. Without boring you with too many details, trust me. Not in my circumstances.
The information the tests will provide doesn’t change the only treatment option available at this point: surgery. No matter what the tests say, surgery is all they can do. So why do the tests? They are painful and scheduling the tests and waiting for the results will delay things by another 2-3 weeks.
I feel heartbroken and alone. I don’t want to hate him. I know the hate will just poison me, blacken my heart and my soul. But it’s hard. I hurt so much.
So far the only thing that has helped me is posting here and reading your kind words. I don’t have anyone I can talk to.
Thank you for listening.