So this is my letter… I don’t know when exactly I’m going to do it, but hopefully by next spring. PLEASE help me proofread this! I want to make sure my relatives understand my decision and can go on without me. I’m 21.
Dear mom,
I know this will hurt you for as long as you live. I don’t know what to say to ease the pain I’m going to cause, but I know that ‘sorry’ changes little. Though I will tell you why I did this, I know you’ll still be overwhelmed, confused, and hurt. Everything that was going through my head before I did this can be found in the Notes and Momento apps on my iPod if you’re interested. Everyone will probably think that this was an irrational decision done on impulse, but it wasn’t. There was a lot of thought put behind it, and there are hundreds of things I’m going to miss and not experience. But just so you know upfront, college, social anxiety, depression, and lack of self-esteem and meaning are the primary reasons why I did it.
The saddest part about dying, besides leaving everyone you love, is that people forget you. After some number of years, my name will be forgotten and I’ll be nothing. Being that I hate my life here, I actually look forward to oblivion. It’s one of the few things I know is going to happen to me and most people. I also see no point in sustaining a body I don’t like and didn’t ask for only to be forgotten.
I’m not going to lie: I have a ton a problems, including being terrified of death. I’m especially terrified of the moment I start to kill myself. But I’m also kind of happy that the misery I endured to this point will soon come to an end, at least I hope.
I’ve had enough of life. It’s not for everyone, and nor is college if that’s somehow relevant. I also regret wasting your and dad’s time and money. I have tried my best to live for you and held out as long as I could, but I’m tired. I give up trying to fix myself and my life. They’re both lost causes. If you’re wondering why I isolated myself from everyone, it’s because I knew I would end up committing suicide and didn’t want to hurt any more people than I had to. No matter what, I probably still would have done this within 10 years. I hate how oppressing it is here. Please take care of my piano and put the guitar in the case when I’m gone. I really loved music, especially piano…They gave my life meaning and happiness, and I regret leaving them behind.
Also, if by some chance I wind up alive in some undesirable condition remember that I’ve had enough of life. I just want to make it clear that I no longer want to live. Please pull the plug if by some stupid chance I survive unable to function like normal. I don’t care what you do with my body after it is dead. Donate it to science if you want, cremate it, but understand that if I survive I will not be convinced to live, and I am sorry if that makes me a selfish coward, but I cannot do this anymore. I am done; I lack the strength to continue. When people ask why I killed myself, you can just say I was sad.
Again I really hate myself for hurting you like this, but there was no other way. Sometimes giving up is the only solution to a problem. I can’t accept my body, my poor luck, the insults (i.e being an innocent, good person who’s suffered injustice after injustice his entire life), the bleak future, and not knowing why I exist anymore. Also no one wants me I think. I’m sorry you gave birth to me, I’m sorry I kept quiet about all this, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be more strong, but I won’t continue to torture my soul by living anymore. I beg you to forgive me, but more importantly, to understand.
Bye mom, dad, B, J. L. All of you were a huge part of my life. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.
Love,
A.
PS. Buy a pet.
13 comments
Hi.
I am both a mother and one who has also been suicidal in my lifetime. I hope you can for, a moment, forget all else, and hear my thoughts.
I respect your desire to live and end your life in whatever manner you choose. That said, there is no way your Mother can forget the choice you are making. That sounds bad to me — as if I am quilting you into making an alternate decision. I’m not; I am just letting you know the woman who shared your first breath will not accept your last — be it by others’ choice or your own.
I am sorry you are hurting and I hope you will stay with us and discuss your options.
By the way: Your Mother is a lucky woman to be loved in the way you have expressed your love here. She must be special.
That’s a very good letter…initially I thought you were a girl. I think you covered all the key points. Interestingly after reading what you wrote, I felt a little less scared of ending my life. It made me think back to the time I had two brushes with death, both involved asphyxiation. I didn’t black out but didn’t really panic either as I thought I would-but I was out of air for what felt like a couple of minutes. I guess if I was in a serious bind and wanted to die fast, that wouldn’t be a bad way to go…choking on something that got stuck in my throat.
I also thought of writing my own suicide note as well. I had pinned my hopes on this girl I really like to turn things around and make me love again, live for something but she was just fooling around and isn’t really interested in me. I got very little sleep over the weekend because of her but also re-evaluating my life. In fact she kept me going for a while…but I am glad to know her interest in me was not genuine, she was kind of using me as well. Now I’m actually playing her-she doesn’t know it.
Anyways…when you start out life, you have a great desire to advance, to get rich, to achieve a lot. But I’m “over the hill” now in more ways than one. I don’t care for all the trappings of life, such a sham. Women especially have really disappointed me-I was genuine, I showed them love but they didn’t really care and eventually would lose interest. Except when I was younger and looked better.
At this point I’m going to give myself another year, try to find a better job, get fit, get a house and a girlfriend. If all that works out fine, I’ll keep living…if I’m stuck in the same rut then I will seriously considering ending it. Truthfully I don’t really want to go on anymore like you in your letter but it’s not like I have any mental or physically disease that I cannot live with so I’ll give it one last try at life. Then I will do as some people have here and disappear for good.
It is a really big thing though in one’s life to end that life. It’s the end of everything we’ve known and done. I really despise my parents for putting me here but then I’ve also made bad decisions in my life to end up where I am today so I take some blame as well. We’ll see what next year brings for me.
Sorry @DF_Whisper….but cant pass this up…Dont you think if I COULD quilt my way into an alternate state of emotional being, I WOULDVE JUST MADE AN AWESOME QUILT!!? Fuuuuuucckkkk,DFW…….I want to make th quilt….SHOW ME HOW TO MAKE THE QIULT,PLEASE!
Sorry,I just needed to say that.
Your right-they’re not going to be okay,ever again. The mother,I mean,in particular. This is a horror that will haunt her til she dies.
LOL…I totally realized my GUILT message came out as Quilt on autocorrect. Leave it to an SP follower to make it into a craft! LOL..and thanks for the laugh. Still, I want this writer to debate his/ her choice a bit..no harm in a little intellectual debate. (PS…if we;re quilting, I am into golds and purple these days)!
Anyways…when you start out life, you have a great desire to advance, to get rich, to achieve a lot. But I’m “over the hill” now in more ways than one. I don’t care for all the trappings of life, such a sham. Women especially have really disappointed me-I was genuine, I showed them love but they didn’t really care and eventually would lose interest. Except when I was younger and looked better.
I am a woman and have also been disappointed by women. Why do so many of us think the other sex has such different goals from us? I think we all spend too much time dancing around one another to no avail. It is a sad state of affairs. I’m sorry you feel you lost something.
Hmm, I must’ve misread something then to think you were a guy later on. Thanks for the support. I don’t think women have very different goals than myself, just that I don’t happen to end up being one of their goals (to attain). Though things were very different when I was younger. Life has slipped away from me very quickly. In a way I’m happy I didn’t end up having kids and make them suffer through life as I have. There was a time the 40s seemed a long way away, now here I am-just when I had life all figured out too.
Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Some of the things you said hit the nail on the head in your letter…like “sustaining a body you don’t like.” Very well put, ditto. It’s amazing how radically one’s life can change, one moment I was loving being alive (when I was in my 20s) and now all I want is to be dead. I don’t care for the struggle anymore and the rewards are not worth the effort.
Part of that last message was supposed to be a quote from a previous post. Man, I SUCK at multi-tasking. Note to self: hire a personal assistant!
Seemed fine to me. 🙂
I think this is a wonderful note. It explains everything and I can read the love in it. Hopefully, your family will recognize that. I like the last bit about buying a pet. Animals are a wonderful healing tool. Best wishes to you.
he is gone.. i hope you are in a better place now.
I just wish there was another way to quit my life. Like I said, I don’t want to hurt anyone, myself included. The holiday season is approaching, and I’m trying not to do anything dangerous before Christmas. I just want to be prepared and not writing this at the last minute. Who knows, maybe my outlook will change and I’ll live some more…Or maybe I’ll finally get the guts to go through with it. I don’t know.
I loved your letter. How would your mom react if you gave her the letter to read today? Would you be able to have a real 1-on-1 conversation where you talk through your issues, or would she think you’re being dramatic? The reasons you gave for suicide will kill her (figuratively). She’ll blame herself for pushing you too hard into college and not being more sensitive to your emotional state. Have you ever had a date go horribly wrong and you spent more time than you should have dwelling on what you could have done differently? That’s probably how your mom will feel for the rest of her life. I’m not trying to talk you out of it, but you should be aware of the actual effect suicide will have on your family because it sounds like you love them. I really don’t condone suicide for anyone so young because so much can happen in the next 5-8 years. Please give it some time, give yourself some time to grow a little more and understand a bit more about the world around you. Like I said, it sounds like you love your family, and I find it hard to imagine that anyone with love in their heart could kill themselves. You wrote this beautiful letter and expressed how guilty you feel; maybe that’s cause suicide is the last thing you should be thinking about. Suicide is relief from the pains of guilt and rejection and what not. If you feel more guilty when you think about suicide, then I suggest thinking of something else. Don’t give up just yet. There’s a lot you can do with the support of a family that cares.
Knowing you’re dealing with so much the same as me and a ton of other people here makes me sad. It is a good letter, yes.
I’m here as a potential friend if you’re ever interested, ha. Seriously though, you’re not alone