It took me a long time to get to this place. Don’t we all want to be clean? I know i did. I didn’t want to live with the hidden cuts, the physical heaviness of my chest, a head so foggy i could barely grasp my own thoughts. I didn’t want to look after every one around me just to make sure no one tried to look after me. I wanted to be my own person. Look after myself. Fix myself. Be a normal person. Live happy. happy. happy. happy.It was infuriating. Cut to be happy. Cut because i’m not happy. Could i please die now? But don’t kill yourself, people NEED you!
Anyway, i got to this place. This place where i’ve been cut free for about 5 months, with no nightmares plauging me and begging me to start again. This place where i can think. I can sleep. I can plan for my future.
And now that im in this place, i’ve realised something beautifully tragic. There is nothing here.
Being suicidal but wanting a reason to live, that was ideal. Every single day i would have to tell myself one thing just one thing PLEASE that would make me survive that day. Whether it be because i didnt want my dog to be alone, i was going to a concert, i promised my bestfriend, i’d go to the beach tomorrow…whatever it was. Anything could be a possible reason for me to live the next 24..12..3 hours.
Now these thoughts of self harm and suicide do not bother me daily. I wake up and just get on with my day.
But when you’re not searching for a reason to live, there is no reason to live.
Now im stuck. No reason to live. Not wanting to die.
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2 comments
Find something that you can be passionate about.
Sometimes we search too hard for reasons to want to live, when all along those reasons are right In front of us. We just dont realize it.
Give yourself some credit for not letting the thoughts of harming yourself bother you. It sounds like you are coping with your issues better then you think you are. I hope things improve for you.