Not entirely sure how or what to write on here. This is a huge gamble for me as I’ve never talked to anyone about how I truly feel everyday. I guess it’s my fear of constantly being judged and viewed as “weak”. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety from a young age; about 12 or so. Unfortunately society was a lot less educated on the subject and it was just chalked up to “hormones” and “puberty”. I’ve always been incredibly shy and quiet and I was consistently bullied throughout all my childhood. I’m of mixed race and grew up in a small predominately “white” town so I guess I always kind of stood out. At 16 my dad got a job transfer and we moved to the “big city”. So I was forced to leave the few childhood friends I had and start over. My crippling shyness didn’t make this transition easy at all and soon again I found myself being bullied and without any friends here for support, it made things that much harder. My parents worked days and I began to skip school or pretend I was going to school in the morning and then quickly leave before I was attacked by my tormentors. I dropped out with only 1 year left of school, telling my parents that “I’d rather die then go back for another day”. So naturally they never fought me on going back.
So now I was in a new city, no friends and nothing to look forward to. My family has always struggled financially and my parents were always worried about just making ends meet, so I never tried to talk to them about my depression as I didn’t want to burden them or give them another thing to worry about. I began going on chat sites because it’s always been hard for me to talk to people in everyday life and make new friends. I met a girl when I was 19, we were very like minded and 2 “tortured souls” so to speak. The relationship was very toxic but I always stuck it out because I believed that I could never do better or deserved better for myself and after 7 years of misery, I finally worked up the courage and broke up with her. I had met a new girl shortly after and we fell madly in love and I had finally known what true happiness was for the first time in my life. I felt like I had a reason to wake up everyday and even people at my work would joke about how love struck and happy I always seemed to be. Unfortunately it seemed like God was against us and threw every conceivable obstacle in our path and after 2 years of finally just trying to begin our lives together. Things just haven’t worked and we drifted apart more than ever. So now I am alone again, depressed and thinking everyday about suicide and how to finally just end my pain. I’m always told how I look so “together” and in control of everything when truth is, I still don’t have any friends and whenever I pretend to be on my phone and make it look like I’m talking to someone, the truth is there’s no one on the other end. I guess I’m really good at faking my confidence and happiness. I’m very close with my mom and know it would kill her if I was gone but the will for me to live grows weaker and weaker everyday and I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I miss the brief time I truly felt “alive” because it was amazing. I just don’t have the strength to do this anymore
3 comments
I don’t have much to say about your post. I think I’m too tired to offer any advice or much comfort. I just wanted to let you know that I read it, and about the first part, being scared of being judged, you don’t need to worry about that too much here. This is a safe outlet to say what ever is on your mind or to talk about whatever you’re going through.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find happiness.
Thank you EvilKitten for taking a few moments out of your day to write some kind words
I’ve never been shy and I have had friends, but in high school friends are fickle. Then I went to college. I was always confused by the world and people’s values. Like, who cares who wins the damn football game. Finally, at age 23, I met a the first man who appreciated me as a woman. We had an incredible passion that has endured as a friendship for 47 years. But when he left me, back then, the pain of loneliness and depression and alienation was so great that I finally tried to die. I failed. I’m still alive.
I know that happiness of sharing love. There is no greater gift in this world. I’m so sorry you lost it, but hope you can find it again in a more lasting form.
You are probably very sensitive, like most of us on this site. We feel more deeply, both the joy and the pain; whereas the ‘normal’ humans live on a level where they don’t notice as much.
You won’t be alone on the internet here. I know you’d rather have someone in person. Personally, I’ve had cats all my life. They are so loving. And I’ve had dogs. They are less sensitive than most cats, but such good friends. And, every now and then I am fortunate to meet a simpatico human.
Welcome to the place where you can share pain and depression with people who care and understand.