whats my purpose…

This feeling of, ‘wanting to just die’ has last for about 4 years now.  I’ve tried hanging myself multiple times, but I always fail…  I use to walk down the road hoping a car would hit me.  I’ve had close near death experiences from drugs and alcohol, but wonder why I hadn’t died?  That raises the question to what is my purpose on this planet.  Nowadays, I have no urge to kill myself, but just hopes that something would just end me instantly. So now I try to hope everyday, that a miracle (that I think in the back of my mind won’t happen) would happen, to fix all my problems and end my misery or depression. But I also  I feel like I’m slowly dying now from the damage the drugs and alcohol has done to my body.  I TRY my hardest to keep on living, meditating to pretend that theirs no problems.  But now and then my thoughts about my existence in society bring me down to the question as, why am I still here, and how long do I have till death takes me? Everyday I wait hoping it’s the last. I know The fear of death is obsured.  How can you fear death when theirs no more problems, no pain.. Theirs nothing. No mind. No sensations. No existence.